11/08/2026
🚨🏆🌸 STOP EVERYTHING. SOUND THE TRUMPETS. RING THE BELLS. RELEASE THE DOVES. FIRE UP THE HALLELUJAH CHORUS AND SOMEBODY FETCH BRUCE A STRONG CUP OF TEA OR A TOT of RUM… 🌸🏆🚨
BECAUSE WE’VE ONLY GONE AND WON THE WHOLE BLOOMIN’ THING!!!
🏆🌿 SOMER VALLEY HOUSE IS OFFICIALLY THE OVERALL SOUTH WEST WINNER OF CRYSTAL IN BLOOM!!! 🌿🏆
Yes. OVERALL WINNER.
Not a “well done for taking part”.
Not a “lovely effort”.
Not even a “highly commended”.
We have apparently been judged, inspected and independently verified as being THE BLOOMIN’ BEST IN THE SOUTH WEST. 😂🌺🏆
We were going to ask Emma and Bruce to say a few words about their victory, but after consulting the rota, checking everyone’s annual leave allowance and establishing that nobody had packed an overnight bag, we decided against it.
Those two can TALK.
We’d have needed refreshments, sleeping bags and an interval. 😂
It all began several weeks ago when Emma walked into the office and uttered four words that now make Bruce visibly twitch:
“I’ve had an idea…”
Bruce immediately knew two things.
1. It would not be cheap.
2. Somehow, it would become his problem.
😂😂😂
Emma had decided that what Somer Valley House desperately needed was a beautiful, tranquil, spiritual ZEN GARDEN.
A peaceful oasis.
A sanctuary of calm.
A place for quiet reflection and mindfulness.
Which is ironic considering its construction caused absolutely NO PEACE, CALM OR TRANQUILLITY WHATSOEVER. 😂😂
Bruce was reportedly heard muttering:
“Oh God… not another one of her crazy ideas that I somehow have to make work.”
And thus began what can only be described as several weeks of horticultural warfare.
Emma would disappear for twenty minutes and return carrying a solar lantern, three Buddha statues, six wind chime, six artificial butterflies, a water feature, something she’d found reduced in a garden centre and an object nobody could actually identify.
She would then dump the lot in front of Bruce and announce confidently:
“You’ll make it work. I’ve got every faith in you.”
Which Bruce quickly discovered was Emma-language for:
“I’ve already bought it, I’ve lost the receipt, I have absolutely no idea where it’s going and I’m leaving now. Good luck.” 😂
At one point Bruce attempted a gentle intervention.
“Emma… have you ever heard the phrase LESS IS MORE?”
Emma had.
She simply chose to completely ignore it.
Apparently her gardening philosophy is more along the lines of:
“If there’s still a visible patch of soil or pergola WE’RE NOT FINISHED.” 😂🌺🌸🪴🦋✨
Then came WISTERIAGATE.
Bruce discovered that one of the easiest ways to push Emma towards complete horticultural collapse was to casually wander past and announce:
“Your wisteria’s in a twist.”
Cue Emma rocking gently in the corner, staring into the middle distance and muttering:
“It is NO coincidence that WISTERIA rhymes with HYSTERIA.” 😵💫🌿
We may put that on a plaque.
Then there was the hosepipe.
Oh, the hosepipe.
Every.
Single.
Time.
Emma would stand at the outside tap holding the connector, looking at it with the baffled expression of someone attempting to dock the International Space Station.
From somewhere across the garden would come Bruce’s exhausted voice:
“LEFTY LOOSEY… RIGHTY TIGHTY, EMMA.”
Emma would nod confidently.
Turn it the wrong way.
Look confused.
Turn it back.
Look at Bruce.
Turn it the wrong way again.
At one stage we believe the hosepipe itself gave up and asked to be transferred to another care home. 😂🚿
And then there was perhaps the most concerning part of the entire project…
Bruce frequently announcing:
“I’m just going outside to deadhead a few things.”
Nobody ever asked questions.
Because with a garden full of petunias and a short red-haired gardening apprentice who’d just arrived carrying another bag of solar-powered nonsense…
FRANKLY IT COULD HAVE GONE EITHER WAY. 😳😂😂😂
But somehow, amongst the chaos, the bickering, the watering, the planting, the drilling, the decorating, the evenings, the weekends, the twisted wisteria, the hosepipe trauma and Bruce repeatedly questioning every life choice that had brought him to this moment…
THEY ACTUALLY DID IT. ❤️🌿
What started as one of Emma’s slightly bonkers ideas became the most beautiful, peaceful and genuinely special Zen Garden for our residents and families to enjoy.
And now…
🏆 IT’S AN AWARD-WINNING ZEN GARDEN! 🏆
Winning the overall South West Crystal in Bloom title is an incredible achievement and a huge testament to the imagination, determination, teamwork and sheer graft that went into bringing this crazy little vision to life.
So congratulations to Emma and Bruce, our very own gardening dream team. ❤️
Emma supplied the vision, enthusiasm and approximately 738 completely unnecessary decorative objects.
Bruce supplied the practical skills, patience, tools and increasingly weary expression of a man who realised far too late that saying “yes” once had been a catastrophic error. 😂
And now that the competition is finally over, there’s just one thing left to say…
BRUCE, YOU CAN RELAX.
No more random ornaments.
No more twisted wisteria.
No more hosepipe tutorials.
No more “I’ve had an idea…”
The Zen Garden is FINISHED.
🏆🌺 SOMER VALLEY HOUSE — OVERALL SOUTH WEST CRYSTAL IN BLOOM WINNERS! 🌺🏆
Come and see our beautiful award-winning Zen Garden for yourselves.
It really is fabulous.
Just one small request…
PLEASE DO NOT GIVE THE REDHEAD ANY MORE IDEAS.
Bruce has suffered enough. 😂🌿🏆
