Egzistencinė psichoterapija - Inga

24/07/2026

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07/07/2026

Šiandien pliaže vėl turėjau situaciją, kai du senjorai labai piktai ir smerkiančiai spoksojo į tam tikroje situacijoje užstrigusį mano autistišką vaiką. Atrodė, jie galėtų, tai gerai pliaukšteltų tokiam neklaužadai per užpakalį.

Bet man pakako būti šalia, kantriai, ramiai, be skubinimo jam atsakinėti, atreaguoti, išklausyti tiek riktelėjimų, kiek jo psichikai reikėjo išsiventiliuoti, nurimti, o tada atsistojo ir judėjome toliau.

Kažkada, tvarkant reikalus dėl sūnaus neįgalumo tarnyboje, manęs paklausė: "Kokia pagalba jums būtų naudingiausia auginant autistišką vaiką?"

Pamenu, atsakiau beveik nedvejodama. Ne dar viena paslauga, ne dar vienas specialistas. Labiausiai norėtųsi visuomenės švietimo.

Norėtųsi, kad žmonės geriau suprastų autistiškus vaikus. Kad mažiau smerktų, kai vaikas kažkur soc.aplinkoje užstringa, rėkia, nesileidžia paimamas, reikalauja tam tikrų dalykų, kurie kitiems pašaliniams žmonėms atrodo kaip išsidirbinėjimas.

Norėtųsi daugiau supratingų ir mažiau vertinančių žvilgsnių. Norėtųsi, kad viešojoje erdvėje nereikėtų nuolat aiškintis ar teisintis.

Bet tuo metu net nesusimąsčiau apie tai, kad ir aš pati galiu prisidėti prie to visuomenės švietimo. Juk kiekvienas parašytas tekstas gali padėti kažkam pirmą kartą pažvelgti į autizmą ne per stereotipų, o per supratimo prizmę.

Galbūt vienas įrašas gali padėti mokytojui geriau suprasti mokinį, seneliams - savo anūką, draugams - draugę. O gal net autistiškam žmogui pirmą kartą atpažinti save ir suprasti, kad jis nėra „per jautrus“, „išlepęs“ ar „keistas“.

Nežinau, kiek pavyks pakeisti, tačiau tikiu, kad visuomenės požiūris keičiasi per daugybę mažų pokalbių, tekstų ir susitikimų.

Ir labai norisi tikėti, kad kai mūsų vaikai užaugs, jie gyvens visuomenėje, kurioje autistiškų žmonių bus mažiau bijoma, mažiau teisiama ir daugiau suprantama.

Jeigu bent maža dalelė to pokyčio gimsta ir iš mano tekstų - vadinasi, rašyti buvo verta.

Galbūt kiekvienas parašytas tekstas yra tiesiog maža sėkla. Ne visos jos sudygs. Bet jei bent dalis jų užaugins daugiau supratimo, mūsų vaikams ir visiems autistiškiems žmonėms gyventi bus bent truputį lengviau 🙏🙏🙏

07/07/2026

In the discussion last week around internalized PDA and authoritarian parenting, someone asked, How did Dobsonism/Focus on the Family find the traction that it did? What sort of person looks at a book advising that they should beat little babies to break their will, and doesn't throw it in the fire with a scream of horror?

A controlling religion with cult power dynamics explains all of this.

My parents are 3rd generation victims of the decentralized cult known as the Independent Fundamentalist Baptist church network. They were taught to not to trust their own minds and hearts, to fear everything contrary to the group's teachings, and to not question what they called "Biblical authority" (thought leadership imagined to come directly from God.)

Every adult that my parents trusted (pastors, employers, my grandparents, etc) recommended Dobson and much worse. The horrific child training manual To Train Up A Child by the Pearls lived on my mothers coffee table for most of my life.

That book included an exercise called Blanket Training, which recommended placing a baby as young as 6 months old on a blanket and hitting them if they moved off the of the blanket. This was framed as something that children developmentally need, like Tummy Time.

The stated purpose is to teach obedience. The hidden purpose is that stopping self-directed play and teaching infants to only live within the tiny bubble world that adults permit creates the foundational neurochemistry for being compliant cult members as adults. It leads to adults who are willing to live within a narrow predefined worldview.

My parents believe that physically hurting a child for anything less than instantaneous obedience is commanded by God and is necessary to save the child's soul from hell. They experienced a similar authoritarian home themselves, and they see no problem with that sort of violent control.

My NPD father seemed to very much enjoy this control that the church told him he should have over his children. My mother would cry while she hit me and my sisters, and I could feel how conflicted she felt about it. Like both of my grandmothers, my mother has C-PTSD with fawning/appeasement as a dominant response. When she tried to break my self-determination, she was dissociating and following a script that she learned in early childhood.

The main reason any person would not reject the recommendation of violence towards children, is that they are disconnected from their own soul, because their own will (their agency and self-determination) was broken in childhood. My parents cannot reject the rationale of Dobson et al unless they start to see their own experience as trauma. And to see their own experience as trauma, they would have to reject enmeshment with their community. Rejecting a cult can feel like a kind of death, a death of everything familiar and safe.

That is the power of cult dynamics - people give up their individuality in order to have access to what the cult offers (co-regulation, the facade of community, a sense of belonging). The image I have shared here is a graphic that was handed out in church, in school, at summer camp, etc in order to teach about "leadership." Neurologically entraining unquestioning obedience is part of the foundational mechanism of this controlling religion.

Two of my siblings have their own children now, and they see no problem with the way we were raised, so they are repeating the pattern with their kids. Between the two of them, I have 8 nieces and nephews that I would love to visit more, but I can't cope with seeing the children be taken to another room to be hurt by someone claiming that love is the reason.

My siblings are slightly more emotionally intelligent than the previous generation. They would NEVER hit a baby. They pay attention to regulation needs (hungry, tired, etc) so their kids get usually help when they're having a hard time instead of being punished. But they also have random power struggles with their older kids and punish them for "defiance" aka not following a completely unnecessary command.

I'm a cycle breaker, but my sisters are not, and that breaks my heart. It is the main reason that I am still low contact with family. I see them for a few days, about twice a year, mostly to hold the tiny babies, and that is all that my nervous system can tolerate.

I'm the oldest of 4 children, and I am the only PDAer, and I think this difference in my neurology is the reason that I had to leave the church and deconstruct the cult dynamics I was raised in. Leaving wasn't optional for me, it was survival. Because of PDA, the conformity that felt safe to everyone else in my family wasn't even possible for my body. I see my PDA neurotype as the thing that rescued me from the IFB cult.

PS. When someone shares about religious trauma it's frankly disgusting to respond with defense of that religion.

"I agree with Dobson but he never condoned violence" "The theology behind the graphic is correct but the application is wrong."

18/05/2026

I so love this piece.

I love it more because I believe it about myself 🥰

13/05/2026

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