Candlewood Counselling

15/05/2026

May is Mental Health Awareness month. Help spread awareness by sharing this, to remind someone who needs it that they could make that call, and get some support.

11/05/2026

Have you ever walked away from a conversation feeling more exhausted than when you sat down?
It’s not that anything dramatic necessarily happened. Quite the opposite. You just feel… drained. A bit emotionally wrung out. A little more frayed around the edges than when you started.
If that rings a bell, you may well have been involved in what therapists call an “emotionally draining” relationship. And it’s far more common than you might think.
These relationships don’t always look dramatic. There’s rarely screaming or massive showdowns. More likely is that this relationship will slowly hollow you out: a subtle but steady one-way transaction where someone always takes and you always give; where your needs come second or third, or nowhere at all; where you find yourself constantly “keeping” someone else calm – at the cost of your own peace of mind.
Here are a few signs that you might recognise:
• You feel anxious about seeing someone, or wiped out afterwards
• You feel responsible for how they’re feeling — even when you know, rationally, that it's not your responsibility.
• Setting a boundary feels either like an impossibility or like it just won’t be worth the subsequent drama
• You’ve gradually lost touch with your own needs in the relationship
An emotionally draining relationship might be with a friend; a family member or your partner: the person or people who you make time to listen to, sympathise with, help and care for, support, and pick up the phone to whenever they call.
But then you might find that you're reluctant to ask for the same support from them, when you need it for yourself. You don't like to ask. Or if you do, what comes back feels inconvenient, insincere or ends up being about them again.

None of these is an indication that you’re “too sensitive” or that there’s anything wrong with you. But it could be a sign that your feelings are giving you feedback that’s worth listening to.
Individual counselling for difficult relationships can provide a gentle, confidential space to make sense of these experiences. With your counsellor, you can begin to unpack patterns that you may have been stuck in for many years, and to think about what healthy connection might look like for you.
You don’t need to know why you feel the way you do, before you get in touch. You just need to notice that something doesn’t feel right.
If any of what I’ve shared resonates for you, please do share your thoughts in the comments below. And if you’d like to talk about how counselling could support you in this, please don’t hesitate to reach out for a quick, informal chat to see if we’re a good fit.
Take care,
Samantha
P.S. Find the link to the full blog post about Emotionally Draining Relationships in the comments below

23/03/2026

For those of us who sometimes put impossible standards on ourselves

What's the link between Perfectionism and Anxiety?

One of the things I’ve discovered through working with clients (and working on myself!) over the years, is that there’s a flavour of perfectionism that some pretty high-functioning people don’t realise they have. It’s the kind of perfectionism that manifests in someone who — from the outside — seems like they have it pretty ‘together.’ They’re successful. Reliable. Hard-working. But they’re also the person who says they feel like they’re living with a constant sense of…..‘shoulding’ over them. It's an underlying, low-grade anxiety that seems to come out of nowhere but is always present, like background noise. Noise that sleep, or ‘switching off’ activities don’t seem to cure. Noise that seeps into their evenings and weekends and holidays too.
What a lot of people who experience these things tend to talk about is something called ‘conditional self-worth’ — conditional because it comes with an ‘if’ attached. ‘If I do well, or behave well, I am good enough.’
If you expect perfection from yourself but aren’t the sort of person who is buttoned-up, overly precise or who needs everything just so, it’s likely the perfectionist voice in your head is telling you that if you make a mistake, or don’t hit a goal, that you’re simply not good enough.
The mental health impacts of living with chronic ‘shoulding’ are well understood -recently researchers analysed data from more than 113,000 people and found perfectionism was strongly associated with anxiety, depression and burnout. But what’s less well known is that it doesn't need to be 'just how I am' - research shows certain therapies can effectively target and change psychological processes that are not helpful, can successfully reduce their psychological grip, and can improve anxiety and depression outcomes in clients. Therapy can help, not by telling you to care less about succeeding or doing well, but instead by helping you understand why you feel like you need to do so badly in the first place. What are you trying to protect yourself from? How can we start to build a sense of self that can allow you to rest a little easier?

If this sounds like you, or someone you know, I’d love to help.

At Candlewood Counselling (Face-to-face Counselling in Newton Abbot / Online counselling UK) I offer a safe, confidential space to adults who recognise some of those descriptions in themselves. Please do get in touch if you’d like to have a free initial chat. I’ll be glad to hear from you and talk about how I might help.
To read more about perfectionism and anxiety go to: https://candlewoodcounselling.co.uk/anxiety-perfectionism-newton-abbot/
(as always, if you know someone who you think might resonate with this, please feel free to share!)

Do you recognise that low-level hum in the background that's saying 'not quite good enough?' Read about how perfectionism can be a driver of anxiety

12/02/2026

05/02/2026

05/02/2026

A lot of us, especially men, are taught to just 'crack on with it'.
Research by Mind and others, has found that men are less likely to seek help than women, even when they are experiencing serious problems or high levels of distress.
But, whilst 1 in 4 adults in the UK will experience mental health problems, only 1 in 6 will access support. Many people put off seeking help due to stigma, not knowing where to go, or thinking they should be able to sort things out themselves.
Asking for help can feel like you’re failing or being “too much”. Men can often feel under even more pressure to ‘Man up’ -to just keep quiet and cope.
This Time To Talk Day, you don’t have to share everything or say the ‘right’ things.
You just need a starting point.
You could simply say, “I’ve been struggling a bit lately” to a mate, partner, or colleague. You could book in with your GP, or drop a counsellor a message and see how it feels to talk
That smallest step is still a step. Let your first conversation be the moment things start to change.

29/01/2026

How Do I Choose A Counsellor or Therapist? ?
So you’ve decided that now is the right time to begin therapy – that’s fantastic. Taking that first step is a big decision. Now you have to pick who you want to work with. How do I choose a counsellor? What should I look for? Where do I start to find a good counsellor?
Looking for a counsellor may feel overwhelming, like it’s going to take up loads of your time – but trust me, it’s worth taking the time to research your options and think about what you need from your counsellor.
How to know if a counsellor is right for you?
Ok. So how do you know if you’ve found ‘the right one’? When it comes to finding your counsellor, it really is up to you. What works for one person may not work for another. If you haven’t worked with a counsellor before then there will be things you don’t know, which may feel uncertain. I know when I looked for a counsellor I had a million questions. But that’s ok. I’m going to try and answer some of the questions I had, below. I’m a qualified counsellor, but I’ve also been the client, so here is my guide to what to look for when choosing a counsellor:
Are they professionally registered and qualified?
The great thing about beginning your search is there are plenty of resources online to help. The bad news is, in the UK the titles ‘counsellor’ and ‘therapist’ are pretty much entirely unregulated. This means that literally anyone can call themselves a ‘counsellor’ without any qualifications or training. Kind of worrying really. A good place to start is find a counsellor who is registered with a professional body like the BACP ( British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy) or the NCPS ( National Counselling and Psychotherapy Society). Being registered means that a therapist holds a recognised counselling qualification and are committed to continuing professional development. They will also follow a code of ethics and have regular supervision to ensure they are practicing safely. You can find registers of BACP or NCPS members ( or any other professional counselling organisation) online. Make sure you counsellor is listed on there, or ask them which professional body they are registered with.
Do they have experience/ Specialisms?
Obviously when picking a counsellor you’ll want someone who has experience working with the things you want help with. So if you’ve experienced depression, you might look specifically for someone who specializes in depression. Experience is obviously important, but it’s not the only thing to consider. Another thing to look into is a counsellor’s background, their training, how they keep up to date, and their counselling modality. Lots of counsellors will state their experience clearly on their website. Think about what you personally want to know about your counsellor and their background.
How will you access counselling?
Now you’ve got some ideas about who you might want to work with – think about the practicalities. When will you be able to meet up with your therapist? Where are you based? Do you need online counselling or are you able to travel to meet someone face-to-face?
Let’s start with when. Do you have regular time that you know you’re free? If you’ve never spoken to a therapist before, you might need a bit of clearing some time in your diary. Make sure you have a think about when you’re available before you contact anyone. Most therapists will be pretty flexible when it comes to finding a mutually convenient time. Say you can only meet on Thursday afternoons, just let your potential therapist know! Compatibility is important so early on, let them know your time limitations.
Online counselling is increasingly popular. There are benefits and down-sides to both meeting online and face to face. Online counselling means you don’t have to travel to meet someone, which can save time and money. Some people prefer online sessions, others prefer face to face. Think about what you’d prefer. If you’d like face-to-face counselling, you might want to consider where the therapist is located. If you don’t want to travel too far out of your home area that’s completely reasonable. Decide how far you want to travel.
Finally a big one is money. Private counselling can be expensive. Think about how much counselling you can realistically afford. Do you need to find lower cost counselling? Can your GP refer you for counselling on the NHS? You may have a long wait, but it might be worth considering. Think about how much money you can afford to pay per session, and see if you can find someone whose rate fits your budget.
Have you got any access requirements? Make sure your potential therapist can meet your needs. Ask if the counselling rooms are accessible? If you’re deaf do they have a hearing loop? What about if you’re wheelchair user? Whatever your accessibility requirements make sure your potential therapist can cater for your needs.
You feel uncomfortable? Move on!
This one is key. Every article I read about what makes therapy successful says the same thing. The quality of the relationship between client and therapist is the most important element of positive therapeutic outcomes. Feeling comfortable with your therapist and being able to speak openly with them is essential.
How you feel when you first speak to or meet with your therapist matters. Yes, counselling can be uncomfortable. Yes it will challenge you, and yes you may have to talk about some difficult things. But therapy will always feel awkward if you don’t trust and feel safe with your therapist. Your therapist should empower you to explore your feelings in a safe environment. If you don’t feel safe, it won’t work.
During your initial consultation with your counsellor, chat to them. Ask questions. They’re here to help you but this is also about YOU figuring out if you can trust this person with your thoughts and emotions. Most therapists will offer a free initial consultation as this is their chance to tell you what they offer and for you to get a sense of who they are and how they come across. Ask your counsellor about how they work, listen to how they respond to you, and see if they feel like someone you can work with. Trust your initial feelings.
Speak to a few therapists. If you don’t feel at ease, speak to someone else. I can’t stress this enough. Just because you contacted somebody doesn’t mean you have to go with them. Take your time. If you feel pressured into ‘committing’ to a therapist when you first speak to them, then that’s not the right therapist for you.
But what if I start and then don’t like my counsellor?
It happens sometimes. But if you don’t feel like the relationship is working out, tell them! They’ll completely understand. Therapy isn’t always easy. If you feel you’re not getting on with your counsellor it is totally fine to contact them and explain. If you’d like, they could help to find someone new for you to work with. It needs to be right for both of you.
So...what should I ask my counsellor?
I’ve listed a few below but these are just suggestions. Trust your gut and ask whatever you feel will help you decide if you can work with this person.
• What qualifications do you have? What organisation are you registered with?
• How much experience do you have working with ( insert issue here) ?
• How would you describe your therapy style?
• How long and how frequent are counselling sessions?
• Can you tell me about your availability?
• How will we both know when it’s time to finish counselling?
• How much do you charge per session? Any concessionary rates?
• What is your cancellation policy?
Picking a counsellor can feel daunting, but remember you’re taking big steps towards better self-care and looking after your mental health. Asking for help takes courage. Make sure you feel safe and supported with your counsellor so you can openly explore whatever it is that you need to work on.
Good luck, and I hope you find the counsellor that works best for you.
Samantha x

How do I choose a counsellor or therapist in Newton Abbot? Learn what to consider, which questions to ask, and how to find the right support

12/01/2026

For many adults, stress has a way of quietly weaving itself into daily life. It can show up on busy mornings, restless nights, or a constant sense of needing to keep going. Often, it's not caused by one dramatic event, but by the steady accumulation of responsibilities, expectations, or uncertainty. My 'Understanding Stress' blog on the Candlewood Counselling blog page explores how stress can show up in day-to-day life, and how you might recognise when a bit of extra support or space to reflect could be helpful. You might find it useful to read, as a first step in understanding what stress might be trying to tell you. You can find it here: https://candlewoodcounselling.co.uk/understanding-stress-and-counselling-support/