The Nourishment Ninja

The Nourishment Ninja Nutritionist in training and an every day ninja, running, climbing and jumping through my days.

07/08/2026

I may have managed to stay out of hospital because of the support around me but this episode I’m coming out of was HARD. I’ve never experienced a depression so severe I developed catatonic episodes before. It was a really weird experience, although being catatonic didn’t scare me as much as it frustrated me, the prospect of getting admitted and receiving negligent or abusive care did. The thought of that terrified me more than anything because I’ve never been more vulnerable than when I’m frozen and unable to communicate. Fortunately, Olive convinced them she was able to manage with me at home with ongoing home treatment support so I could at least suffer in more comfort at home with Olive and the cats.

I’m on the mend again, hopefully for good this time (or a long time at least). It’s been really nice to rediscover curiosity and having the cognitive ability to engage with activities I love.

18/07/2026

They understood why being referred to a dietitian AS A DIETITIAN didn’t really make sense. They’re providing the ensure and I’m doing my best to incorporate more real food into my diet. Currently this is on hard mode because my appetite has basically vanished but I’m still losing weight (unintentional). I don’t like unintentional weight loss. If anyone compliments me on my weight loss I will be answering with stupid answers because unsolicited commenting on peoples’ bodies is never ok. UPDATE: Since filming this my weight stabilised so it’s working.

14/07/2026

Normally when she smiles at me like that I can’t help but do it back - but my body was basically a cage like this and I was locked inside. I’m SO SO grateful to Olive for looking after me and helping me stay home. Without her here I’d be in hospital 100%. I didn’t even have sad thoughts when I was like this, my body was just slow or frozen and my mind was one thought at a time - which was kinda peaceful but not worth the other effects. This was after two lots of clonazepam to defrost me, I am not more defrosted as long as I take the clonazepam.

13/07/2026

Movement does get a little better than this at times but not much. It’s tiring and I just really really want to be able to look after myself and get on with my life. Hopefully it passes soon and they can figure what the longer term treatment plan is, because currently it’s kinda interim. I am walking and talking better each day with the meds though, so hopefully can wean soon. Who knows 🤷🏻‍♀️ It’s a dark dark place right now.

08/07/2026

The crash is crashing. It’s like a whole new level of depression as I keep freezing, I’m mute, and my actions are so slow I can’t even walk properly. I’m struggling to eat and drink. The good news is clonazepam brings me out of it a bit so I can move a bit better and I can talk. Catatonia is weird, I’m aware of what’s going on but I can’t respond or communicate. My appetite is non-existent and I’m home on the condition I drink enough fluids because of lithium. Olive is the only reason they’re letting me stay home, for as long as she can cope with looking after me.

02/07/2026

I really thought I was out of the woods because post-mania crash isn’t guaranteed. Anyway, I had shown up again so here I am asking myself questions I don’t want to ask or answer. Without my purpose though I’m so lost. I’ll try and explain why it’s more than “just work” to me another time, because it’s so much of me than that alone.

28/06/2026

Little update on where I’m at. I’m recovering. It’s taking a while and I’m frustrated at the pace because I want to be better before I even got unwell. I’m grateful for a milder episode though and the fast intervention that kept me home. Maybe my brain will brain better once I’m off clonazepam because I’m still having it every day, but only once so it shouldn’t affect me that much surely? I dunno.

13/06/2026

People think negatively about living on a council estate but honestly, the more people I talk to, the more I fall in love with the sense of community. We’re all out here trying to make the most of our situations - and that breeds a non-judgmental safe space to exist as someone who often feels on the outskirts of society.

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