10/04/2026
I’ve been thinking a lot recently about what it means to look through a PDA lens.
There’s such a common assumption- especially in school and everyday life- that if someone can do something once, they can do it every time.
But that absolutely hasn’t been my experience.
Not as a clinician.
Not as a mum.
And not in myself.
We’ve just been away, and I noticed a shift in my son. With the novelty, the reduced day-to-day pressures (especially around school), and a calmer baseline, he was more able. Getting dressed, putting his shoes on, even going to get himself a drink- things that can often feel too hard- felt more accessible.
And then he said to me:
‘Mum, when we get home, I need you to do this for me’
I immediately reassured him, letting him know that I would always be available to help when things felt ‘too much’. Immediately his body relaxed!
When looking through a PDA lens, it makes complete sense. The moment something becomes expected- you did it before, so you can do it again- it becomes a demand- a physiological life threat!
And what I see, again and again- in my clients, in my son, and in myself- is this:
When the expectation is removed, and safety is put in its place, capacity returns.
Because there’s space to try- without the fear that trying once turns into an expectation forever.
Capacity fluctuates.
Nervous systems fluctuate.
And just because someone can do something, doesn’t mean they can do it every time, under pressure.
Sometimes the most supportive thing we can do isn’t to push for consistency- but to create enough safety that they don’t feel the need to avoid altogether.
Because when someone knows you’ll catch them, they’re far more likely to stretch.💜
