05/08/2026
Anger is often an emotional "iceberg." It is a secondary emotion, meaning it sits on the surface while more vulnerable feelings—such as hurt, fear, sadness, shame, or feeling powerless—lie hidden beneath.
To spot these unspoken feelings, observe the other person's body language, notice any shifts in their vocal tone, and consider what trigger may have caused them to react in an angry way.
- Watch for Micro-Expressions: Brief, involuntary facial expressions often reveal the true emotion before anger takes over. Look for fleeting signs of fear (wide eyes), disgust (wrinkled nose), or shame (looking down and away).
-Assess the person's Body Language: Anger is a high-energy "fight" response, but underlying feelings often leak through as defensive or self-soothing behaviours. Notice if they cross their arms (protecting their chest), rub their neck, or shift their weight nervously.
-Listen to theirTone, Not Just the Volume: Pay attention to a sudden tremor in their voice, a higher pitch, or a softening of tone, which often indicate that anger is masking sadness, hurt, or feeling overwhelmed.
-Identify the Trigger: Reflect on the exact moment the anger started. Did it happen right after they made a mistake, felt excluded, or received critical feedback? The trigger often points directly to the core vulnerability (e.g., fear of failure or feeling inadequate).
- Ask them Open, Non-Defensive Questions such as "I can see you're really upset. Help me understand what's going on beneath that?
