28/09/2026
How to support someone in crisis
…without giving them more s**t to deal with.
Someone you care about has had the phone call nobody wants, a news that divides life into before and after. A death, a diagnosis, news that makes everything they were worrying about yesterday feel ridiculous. You want to help, of course you do, but some of the things we say automatically can leave the person doing more work, feeling less understood or forced to pretend they’re coping just to make us less uncomfortable…
“Let me know if there’s anything I can do.”
It sounds generous, but look at what you’re asking them to manage: work out what they need, decide what’s acceptable to ask you for, find the words, make contact and risk feeling like a burden. That’s quite a fu***ng workload for someone who’s struggling to decide whether to have a shower.
Under acute stress, working memory and flexible thinking can become less effective. These are part of your executive functions: the mental skills that help you hold information in mind, weigh options and organise what happens next. The brain hasn’t stopped working, but the things that usually feel straightforward can suddenly require enormous effort.
So when someone’s capacity to organise things is already on the floor, an open-ended offer can mean more homework they haven’t got the energy to do.
You probably mean every word, but a specific offer asks more of you and less of them: “I can walk the dog tomorrow afternoon, would that help?” Or, “I’m making dinner, can I bring you some?”
They still get a choice, without having to invent and organise your contribution. And offer something you’ll actually do, “anything” sounds magnificent, but a reliable lift on Thursday is considerably more useful. But don't forget, wanting to give support doesn’t automatically entitle you to arrive unannounced with a casserole, ask first.
And while we’re improving our well-intentioned bulls**t, let’s look at what else sounds helpful until you’re on the receiving end.
“At least…”
“At least they had a long life.” “At least you’ve still got your job.” You may be stating a fact, but it can sound like you’re presenting evidence against their right to be upset. Pain doesn’t need to win a fu***ng competition before it deserves attention. Try “This is a lot, do you want to tell me about it?” You don’t have to find an upside to make yourself useful.
“You need to…”
They’ve barely finished speaking and you’ve prescribed exercise or meditation. Advice can be useful, but an unsolicited improvement project can leave someone feeling unheard and responsible for fixing themselves. Check with them “Would you like me to listen, or help you think through what to do?” Establish whether advice is wanted before deciding for them what they need at this point.
“I know exactly how you feel.”
No, you dont… You might recognise something in their experience, but exactly is not the word. Sharing your story can create connection, provided theirs doesn’t disappear underneath it. Launching into your own story can also leave them politely listening when they were the one who needed that space. Try asking "What's the hardest bit right now?” Then actually shut up and listen.
“You’re so strong.”
Now, this makes my eyes roll… Yes, sometimes that can come out beautifully but sometimes it leaves them thinking “Excellent, everyone expects me to keep handling this.” If they’re already putting on a brave face, praise for coping can make admitting they’re not coping feel harder and as if they're letting people down. “You don’t have to pretend you’re ok” gives them room to tell you the less impressive truth.
And then there’s being wonderfully supportive, for three days.
The messages arrive, everyone checks in, and then ordinary life resumes. Yours, anyway, as they’re still waking up in a life they didn’t choose and barely recognise.
Keep checking in after the initial shock stops being news. “Fancy some company on Sunday? We don’t have to talk about it.” Their pain hasn’t expired just because everyone else’s attention has. Let them have a difficult day without having to explain why they still haven't “moved on”.
You don’t need a perfect sentence or a qualification in saying the right s**t.
Be specific, listen without immediately correcting their feelings, and follow through on what you offer.
That will do.
- Mindest
