Ponderings at Crystaloak

11/08/2026

Sometimes I see people say "I'm a little OCD about that"... it has annoyed me for a while but now I actually have active OCD it rankles even more.

Today, while working in my full-time job as a Finance Associate I had a clear example of the difference between autistic preference and OCD.

I reconcile bank statements, and I like to do them in nice neat weekly chunks. Last Friday we had 2 late receipts that didn't get entered until Monday, which means my rec won't be a neat ending if I reconcile to the end of Friday's entries.

Now, if I was "a bit OCD" (which you can't be "a bit", you either are or you aren't) about this then this would trigger huge anxiety and fear that something awful would happen. I would be consumed by it until I could somehow fix it.

Instead this triggers my autistic preference for neat order and it feels like an itch inside my head that I can't scratch.... but I CAN ignore it. I can calmly decide whether I am going to make adjustments or carry on until the end of next week. There is no fear, no desperate need for it to be different... just an itch inside my head.

So, next time you see a wonky picture frame and think that the annoyance means you're "a bit OCD" maybe consider that something else is going on for you, because from my experience that isn't OCD.

OCD is terrifying and destructive... it's important that that is understood properly.

14/07/2026

I often worry that I'm too much.... I'm an Enneagram 4, and we have all the feelings, all the time. We're also rooted in the past so we're also having all of the feelings we had in the past.

I'm also passionate about what's happening in the world. Maybe it's because it seems to mirror what's happening in my life. I'm in the fire, life is slowly being melted down, my identity is being erased, and the things I thought I could rely on have been removed. Slowly I create new spaces, new aspects of myself and my life, but the fire continues and not everything lasts. I see a world that is in a place where it feels like if we are not careful we will make decisions that will take us down the road of misery and more sorrow.... so I talk about it. I shared quite a lot of Pride stuff, in June, on my personal page, because it's something that is important to me. I share environmental stuff, I share political stuff, and I share anti-misogyny stuff... and every now and then I feel that my friends are rolling their eyes and muttering "why does she have to make such a big thing of everything"... it's hard. Sometimes it's a trauma voice, sometimes friends hint at this.

Just now I was listening to one of my favourite fellow E4s, Glennon Doyle and she said (I'm paraphrasing)"I don't want to be around people who are, or act fine with what's happening. If you're fine with this then that says a lot about who you are".... and I agree... if you're not angry about how the world is right now, then you're ok with it all the hate.

So, I will continue to share my big feelings, the messaging I'm passionate about, and know that it's because it's important to me!

A picture from last month... I wish it for July too! And, as it's disability pride this month, all the ablists too.

18/06/2026

This has some really interesting points.

21/05/2026

OCD can be a b***h!!!

As some may know as part of the wonderful perimenopause journey I tried HRT and came to the crashing realisation that I am progesterone intolerant. This was highlighted by the fact that my mental health plummeted further than it ever had before.

I developed OCD around my cats, fuelled by a combination of being desperately lonely in my marriage and the traumatic loss of my darling Bryn, quickly followed by the passing of another cat baby Scruffy.

I got to a point where I couldn't handle my cats going out because I was certain something awful would happen to one of them. I would have daily rolling panic attacks, that left me wanting to die, until they came home. The intrusive thoughts and images were horrific. Stopping the HRT made it a bit better but it was too late, the brain wiring was set in.

Then, when my marriage finally fell apart I made the necessary decision to keep my cats in. It went against everything I believed about what makes a happy cat but I simply couldn't keep letting them out and promise I would be able to stay in the world.

18 months from that decision my OCD has morphed. Now it is about guilt and illness. Now I get intrusive thoughts that my cats hate me, that I am cruel and a terrible cat mum, along with hypervigilence about them escaping or getting sick. I have regular OCD dreams where one has escaped and I am trying to catch them.... but... I am still working on it.

Whilst in the depths of my struggles I learnt so much about the brain science of anxiety and OCD... I am far from an expert but I know more than I did. And this week I made progress, although I wasn't aware of it.

Roo seems to get random temperatures. It's not completely obvious, he still eats, still has cuddles, but is subdued. He's been to the vets multiple times and last time I was given Loxicom to give to him in the hope of avoiding stressful vet trips (for him and me because my OCD LOVES taking him out in a box to a place where I witnessed a cat escape their carrier and run into a high traffic area).... anyway, one of these scenarios appeared a few days ago and rather than battling with my head about whether to take him or not I held firm and gave him Loxicom for 3 days... today he seems to have turned a corner and is almost his normal bright self. I was prepared to call the vets today but I'm going to stay firm and trust myself.

I did it! I didn't let the intrusive thoughts win, I trusted myself and what the vet told me, and solved it myself.

I'll dowse at snack time to see if he needs another dose but he's back playing with his brother, so fingers crossed he's on the mend.

Living with OCD is a daily challenge but sometimes there's a win to be had, and it's all proof that my brain can sometimes be a lying piece of s**t.

Image by Katie Abey Design

09/05/2026

Just over 2 weeks ago I did something that, for me, was amazing Then last week I was at the Festival for Pagans and Witches and I went to a wonderful talk on Rites of Passage and it helped me understand just how important what I did was.

Whilst my ex husband was, until the end, a good man who understood my anxiety, I lent on him a lot for confidence. So, in myself I had lost so much confidence in doing things alone. Now that I am single I am relearning the old phrase "feel the fear and do it anyway", and Spirit orchestrated it so that I had no choice but to do a big thing.

I have mentioned before that I developed a bit of an obsession for the actor/singer/songwriter Christian Kane. I knew he was doing a convention in Aston in April but I both couldn't afford to go, and didn't think I could handle 3 days at an event along with 2 nights in a hotel, but, I had said that if he did a proper gig I would go..... and then he announced a gig.... in London.... 😲😲 There was no hesitation, I was going to have to go to London, probably on my own.

Spirit was in on it from the start. A few days before it was announced someone share a post from his own FB page and I interacted with it, meaning the algorithms were fresh and as soon as the gig was announced there it was, in my feed.

Spirit KNEW that if it was anything else I would have let it pass me by but with this there was no option. He'd not gigged in 7 years and who knows when he will be back in the UK again. I had no choice.

Then Spirit knew I wouldn't be able to handle the risk of not getting a ticket and the waiting for open sales to start would kill me so, a few weeks earlier a wonderful new friend had introduced me to a guy who lived in London and went to a lot of gigs... I messaged him and asked if he had O2 priority access... he did and within 2 hours I had 2 tickets. I bought 2 thinking I would find someone to come with me because I couldn't possibly go on my own.

And so the military style planning started... I looked to see which hotel was closest to the venue... a Premier Inn.. oh wow, I had stayed in Premiers, I knew how they worked... a twin room was booked.

I looked at the trains, the station nearest to me arrived into St Pancras, a 20 minute walk from the hotel and venue. No need to use the tube!

As the gig date got closer I realised that it would actually be better if I went alone. It would take more bravery but I would have the hotel room to myself to decompress and that was vital.

Spirit even put people in front of me that could help. My dear friend Hilary travels to London from the same station regularly and she reassured me that both were simple, other people helped me understand how the new QR code tickets worked, and others just helped me feel brave enough to do it. Finally a wonderful woman in one of the fan groups offered to meet me for a drink beforehand, so I didn't have to go into the gig alone.

I know people do much bigger things alone, every day, but this was huge for me.

The day arrived and I was packed and ready to go. I had decided to wear an autism sunflower lanyard for the bits where I felt it would help and it really did. In my local train station, while I was filled with trepidation, someone helped me find the right platform and in the hotel the desk clerk told me exactly, and clearly, how to get to my room. Honestly, if you have any hidden disabilities I urge you to get one of these.

The day was amazing, pretty much everything went to plan, and when it didn't it was solved easily (looking at you train station that advertised the wrong parking app on their website). But, at the end of it all, I got to see Christian Kane, in person, and he sang amazingly... his voice was on form, his humour and humility shone through the whole gig, from the moment he shocked us by introducing both support acts (we were NOT ready for him that early) to when he forgot the words of a song by Riley Smith. It was worth all the anxiety and planning and it is a gig that will be at the top of my list for the rest of my life.

Of course I still had to be brave the next day because I had to get home again... and once again Spirit and good planning made sure everything worked perfectly.

I mentioned earlier that it was a rite of passage, and it was. Before the gig I was someone who had been abandoned at a time when her mental health was at its lowest for a very long time. The past 18 months had brought me to a moment where I was in London, having travelled alone, at a gig that made my heart soar. Spirit had once again shown me that if I plan carefully and then trust both in It and myself I can do amazing things. As I stepped back onto the platform of my home town I felt like something had changed in me. I COULD do hard things, I just had! It hadn't been easy, I had had to be brave, but I did it!!!

There was one last thing that Spirit showed me... I can lean on friends. All through the event 2 people, Laura and Monica, were there with me through messenger. I'd set up a Hev's Cheerleaders group and added a bunch of friends that could hold my hand as I did this big brave thing. Everyone helped, but these two were with me every step of the way making me laugh, making sure I was safe, and celebrating with me.

I hope I hold onto this new found belief in myself and go on to do other amazing things. If my man does another convention I plan to go, and I might even be brave enough to meet him.

Thank you Spirit for giving me no choice but to do this!!

Final shout outs to Lizzie for checking the sound on test recordings at the gig, Sue and Jen for meeting me before and being so lovely, and everyone who listened to me babble incessantly, before and after, without rolling their eyes once... or at least not that I saw ;)

Dark days will come and go, but I will always have my trip to London to see Christian Kane

07/05/2026

This is such an important message!!

https://www.facebook.com/share/v/1FupfBDFod/

21/03/2026

What happens when you find your tribe....

Yesterday I had a run in with a mechanic at a garage. It had been an ongoing situation with this garage and my very old campervan. He had done the original MOT and failed it, but he was quite abrupt and rude when he told me.

I took it away and got the necessary repairs done in time for it to be eligible for a retest, and, once again he was fairly rude to me even tho it passed.

The first time I let it slide but the second time I spoke up, something that is very rare for me.

As I drove away with my pass certificate I crumbled. Old memories of me failing to be heard and respected when I stood up for myself came flooding back and I felt the fear of experiences going back decades of my life. I was in cptsd flashbacks.

I messaged some friends and they helped me process it and recover, and then I became angry... who tf did this man think he was talking to a grown arsed woman like this?!?!?!?

Today, driving home from picking my car up from my parents' I realised that this experience gave me some clarity that I hadn't had before.

I've known for some months that the pagan group I am part of is something special but I didn't realise that with that as my base I have built a life, in the last year, that is filled with amazing, progressive, kind, people. The reason this man shocked me so much was that he was old energy. Probably in his late 50s, early 60s, completely non-self-aware and blind to his male privilege, he blunders through life being rude and blunt to women that don't matter to him. When I called him out he had no idea that the way he spoke to me was in any way wrong... in contrast I have male friends who are awake and aware. They are kind by default, not out of obligation or training.

I also realised that I had had to deal with men like the mechanic while I was part of another community that I left at the end of the marriage. Whilst my friends were good people, they had around them these old energy men.... and I am done with that crap.

If I do nothing else with my new life I want to fill it with awake and aware people, people who are kind by default, people who lift up, not punch down.

I have made a fantastic start, even the friends I have that are outside the pagan group are like this... and I feel so grateful for them.

Which kind of people do you want in your life, and how are you going to go about finding them?

14/03/2026

In my meandering around Facebook I came across a dating method called The Burnt Haystack Method and it piqued my interest.

Now, I'm not at all interested in dating, I am standing strong in my feelings that, right now, I am done with romance. I'm trying not to be cynical, but I have too many wounds to heal to trust myself to make good choices. But, I am still fascinated by humanity and thought it might be interesting to learn more.

Aside from how terribly I felt the creator ran her Facebook group, and how her insistence that the man pay for dates actually entrenches misogynistic gender roles, I realised, as time went by, her method was, at best short sighted, and at worst ablist and very damaging to the neurodiverse community.

He theory is that you can tell a misogynist or emotionally immature man just by his dating profile and how he responds in messages.

Well, duh, of course you can.... but.... this isn't just the obvious balding larger men in wrap around sunglasses holding a fish. This method picks apart every single word and analyses it looking for red flags, and the rules are so numerous and complex I don't know a single man could pass the test, let alone a dyslexic or autistic man.

There was no room at all for a man to be imperfect, he had to be Disney Prince perfect in every single way in every moment.

Of course, me being me, I thought I was missing something and that my thoughts could not be accurate... until I read this article.

This dating method worries me, genuinely, for 2 reasons.

Firstly, this is leaning into misandry. The way humanity moves forward is not to become man hating. We need to see that men are allowed to be unique, clumsy, shy, and imperfect, just like we need to be.

Secondly, using this method women are encouraged to discard a section of the population that are not great at marketing themselves but can be the deepest, gentlest, caring people; autistic men.

We need to be better than this. We need to lead the way in ending superficial expectations in potential dates. Of course, if the red flags are a flying walk away, but don't cast someone aside just because they are clumsy with words on a profile!

Check out the article, it's an interesting read.

A rebellious approach to online dating has caught fire with women who are sick of most men on dating apps. But will it really help you find…

13/03/2026

This is really interesting

https://www.facebook.com/share/v/1FB3RPQJgg/

12/03/2026

I love this creator. She actually explains growth and healing work in such a great way.

https://www.facebook.com/share/v/1C8jCaWvXi/