06/07/2026
This!
Most people that come to my office for couples therapy are parents as well and many times I work with them with parental issues...This book sheds light on some contemporary parenting issues.
Somewhere along the way, parents stopped being parents. And the children paid the price while everyone pretended this was progress.
Leonard Sax has watched it happen from the inside of an examining room for nearly thirty years. He has seen the child who tells his mother to shut up in the waiting room and she smiles awkwardly and says nothing. He has watched parents negotiate with a ten-year-old about bedtime the way you'd negotiate a contract with a difficult colleague. He has sat across from families where the child runs the household and the parent is simply trying not to get fired from the role of caregiver. He is not describing bad parents. He is describing the quiet, well-meaning, desperately confused collapse of parental authority that has been happening across an entire generation, and the damage it is leaving behind in ways that most parents are too close to see clearly.
The children are more anxious than ever. More depressed. More fragile. Less resilient. Less capable of handling disappointment, boredom, or the ordinary friction of a life not perfectly arranged around their preferences. The rates of childhood obesity, ADHD diagnoses, and psychiatric medication prescriptions have climbed in direct proportion to the transfer of authority from parent to child. Sax is not claiming this is a coincidence. He is claiming it is the diagnosis. And thirty years of clinical experience, hundreds of interviews with parents and teachers across multiple countries, and a rigorous review of the research literature is the evidence he brings to make that case.
He builds it without flinching. And reading it, you will not always be comfortable. Not because Sax is wrong, but because too many parents reading this book will recognize themselves in its pages, not as villains, but as people who were told that a certain kind of parenting was love, and believed it, and are now watching the results arrive in their children's lives.
I'll be honest with you about where the book earns fair criticism. Some of Sax's claims rest more heavily on his own clinical observations than on peer-reviewed research, and a few of his conclusions have been challenged by developmental psychologists who argue the evidence does not fully support his diagnosis of a large-scale collapse. That is worth knowing. But the pattern Sax is describing, the abdication of parental authority, the confusion between friendship and leadership, the child who has been handed the wheel before they can reach the pedals, is real enough that most parents and most teachers will recognize it immediately. The debate is about degree and cause. The phenomenon itself is not in serious dispute.
The Lessons That Demand Honest Reckoning
1. Your job is not to be your child's best friend. That job is already taken.
Sax is direct about this in a way most parenting culture refuses to be. So many parents have confused being liked by their child with being good for their child. These are not the same thing. A child who experiences no boundary, no firm no, no consequence that actually holds, is not a child who has been loved generously. It is a child who has been handed a weight they are not developmentally equipped to carry, the weight of running their own life, before they understand what a life is. Your child's best friend should be another child. You are something more important than that.
2. A culture of disrespect does not arrive overnight. It is built one unanswered moment at a time.
The child who says shut up to their parent at eight and receives only an awkward smile in response does not learn that boundaries exist. They learn that they don't. The teenager who rolls their eyes, talks back, and faces no consequence is not developing independence. They are developing contempt. Sax traces this not to dramatic failures but to thousands of small moments where parents, wanting to preserve the relationship, chose not to hold the line. Each individual moment seems harmless. The accumulation is catastrophic.
3. Medicating a child's behavior before examining the family culture is treating the symptom while ignoring the disease.
One of the most unsettling chapters in the book examines the explosion in ADHD and bipolar diagnoses in American children compared to children in other countries. Sax is not saying these conditions do not exist. He is saying that a significant number of children are being medicated for behaviors that have environmental and cultural roots, including chronic sleep deprivation, screen overuse, and the absence of consistent parental structure, rather than neurological ones. The medication provides short-term compliance. It does nothing for the underlying deficit of guidance, limit-setting, and leadership that the child actually needs.
4. Children look to peers for guidance only when parents have vacated the role.
Sax argues that the transfer of a child's loyalty from parent to peer does not happen naturally. It happens when the parent has made themselves equivalent to a peer, seeking the child's approval, avoiding conflict, prioritizing harmony over leadership. When a child no longer sees their parent as an authority worth consulting, they turn to the only other option available: other children who are just as lost, just as unformed, and just as incapable of providing the guidance a parent should be giving. The blind leading the blind is not independence. It is abandonment dressed in modern clothing.
5. Humility, enjoyment, and meaning are what children need most. They are also what parents have largely stopped teaching.
Sax ends the book not with anger but with something more useful: a clear articulation of what good parenting is actually for. It is not to produce high test scores, or to fill a resume, or to maximize every conceivable opportunity. It is to instill honesty, integrity, and self-control. To teach a child that they are more than their achievements. To raise someone who understands that life involves failure, disappointment, and constraint, and who has been equipped to meet those things without collapsing. That is the work. And it requires a parent who is willing to be unpopular in service of something more important than being liked.
This book will make certain parents defensive. That defensiveness is worth examining, because it usually arrives in direct proportion to how much of yourself you recognize in what Sax is describing. He is not condemning parents. He is diagnosing a cultural moment that has confused softness with love, preference with freedom, and friendship with leadership. The parents who find this book most difficult to read are often the parents who most needed to read it. Because the children on the other side of these choices are not thriving. They are anxious, fragile, and searching for someone to finally tell them, firmly and with love, where the line is. That is not a small thing for a child to need. And it is not a small thing for a parent to provide. But it is the whole job.
