10/10/2022
Hello dear Soul,
If we, as adults, can gather the hurt that has been inflicted to us when it is in obvious matters, meaning with clear memories of traumatic or hurtful events, it’s much less accessible to us if what happened to us is a lack of…
Same as proving that something did not happen is much harder that to prove it did… this is the main issue of understanding the trauma of a neglecting mother.
Not only is it very difficult to point out clear actions that were abusive, the child who has grown up with a neglecting parent has been modeled to these kind of relationships being the norm. So how could he even realize that this is not how it is supposed to be.
But the consequences are very deep. A neglecting parent doesn’t bring emotional support to his child making the child believe that relationships are not about support. Not only does this child grow alone but he won’t search for support when dealing with difficult situations.
Children of neglecting parents tend to become over empathic as they become, even to their neglecting parent, the parent they never had. They tend to feel responsible and blame themselves for whatever attention or love they don’t get. Those children shut out their needs as anyway, they are never taken care of.
As the mother-child relationship is the basis of any other relationships, getting rid of the consequences of the traumas that occurred means the need of a total emotional reprogramming.
So not only is it very difficult for the child to realize what he’s been through, but even when he does, the healing process is often not about treating a trauma but is more about rebuilding everything from scratch.
Often, negligent parents, in order to justify their behavior will lie, make excuses, try to attract pity, blame others - might be the other parent, his own childhood or the child himself - which makes the psychological diagnosis even harder.
All of these reasons are the reasons why, as traumatic and detrimental as it may be, a negligent but present parent can be one of the most challenging traumas to point a finger on.
If this article resonates with you, I invite you to try to perceive your childhood not through anyones’ words but simply by analyzing your feels. Did you feel loved? (saying «I love you» is not love. Love is when your well-being is a priority). Did you feel encouraged? Did you feel protected? Did you feel that you had the freedom to be a child or do you feel that since very young, you needed to be responsible? Did you feel like you could turn to your parent for help?
If it’s not the case and you are going to therapy, I hope this article might help you open yourself into talking about your neglecting parent. From personal experience, I lost years in thinking that the problem was everything but what it truly was. In the case of emotional neglect, maybe even more specifically than in other cases, understanding our story is the key to healing.
Nb: A lot if negligent parents are NOT especially negligent with ALL their children. Often, these parents have a narcissistic profile and may have found in one of a sibling a « golden child ». Let’s remember that children growing up in the same family have very different experiences.
I hope these words will help you,
I wish to you a beautiful Monday,
xox,
Aline
