01/08/2026
Did your sleep consultant claim to be āgentleā, but suggested techniques that required you to remove your responsive presence? This is a red flag š© Listen to the story of a mother who used this service and followed this advice. Hear the grief and the long-term consequences of this philosophy š
The ability to regulate stress is not just about the exposure but also to the relationships available to you in that moment.
šPositive stress
Heart rate goes up briefly
Stress hormones go up a little
šTolerable stress
Temporary but serious stress responses in body
Buffered through presence of a responsive relationship
šToxic stress
Prolonged activation of stress systems in body with no protective relationship to buffer
š§SOURCE: Center for the Developing Child, Harvard University
The justification for responsive settling sleep training is that it evokes only tolerable stress for the infant and parent.
Reason being, itās a technique that supposedly allows the responsive relationship to continue because unlike itās predecessors- Cry It Out and Controlled Crying, the parent is allowed to be in the room and provide certain levels of *support* when deemed appropriate.
But my baby is a good example of the damage the technique can cause to the once responsive relationship and how we slipped dangerously into the realm of me not being perceived as protective by my baby.
The first time I put him down and walked out of the room at the Residential Parenting Service, so we (actually the staff, because I already knew, not that they believed me) could see if maybe heād surprise us and go to sleep on his own, he happily chatted away, relaxed in the knowledge I would come when he called.
I knew his noises,
I knew exactly when his relaxed babble changed more into seeking.
I knew, but they said he was fine.
They also said he was fine as he started to cry.
Lightly at first and then heartfelt.
We then went through their steps of shushing from door, tapping his mattress, tapping his chest all while he howled.
Eventually being scooped up hysterical.
I could go on but I wonāt.
The difference I want you to understand though is how from that point on, that no longer happened.
He no longer cooed and chatted when I put him down in the cot.
No, instead he was full blown hysterical before I even reached the door.
He no longer trusted me to come back.
And rightfully so.
Because while I may have re-entered the room and I may have responded in the ways they told me I should, they did not match the way he needed me.
He couldnāt trust me to respond the way he needed and he knew that.
He didnāt feel protected in my presence.
šAnd my heart breaks even writing this.
But itās true.
And it went on like that for as long as I kept on responsive settling.
And then it went on for some time after as I had to work to earn his trust back.
And even today, heās still my most quickly frightened and stressed child.
We like to tell ourselves we stayed in the amber š ā¦
It makes it all feel more tolerable in our own stress system.
š“But mine was red.
šAnd so was his.
Maybe for some itās not, but is it really okay to offer only this just because some babies never experienced the red when we KNOW some babies do?
We need funding, research and referral pathways for other options for sleep and settling support.
We can and will do better āØ
Carlyā¤ļøāš©¹āØ
A great place to start?
www.littlesparklers.org
Little Sparklers The Beyond Sleep Training Project
