Shadeofgrey Cottage

11/09/2026

💜 ARE YOU OKAY? — DAY 21 OF 30
STONEWALLING — WHEN IT FEELS LIKE YOU HAVEN’T SPOKEN

You share something about your day.
You express a thought.
You ask an ordinary question.

And you get nothing back.

No answer. No acknowledgement. They carry on as though you haven’t spoken at all.

It doesn’t always begin with an argument or a hurtful situation. Sometimes it’s those everyday attempts to connect that are repeatedly met with silence.

“Did you hear me?”
“Am I talking to myself?”
“Does what I say matter?”

Not every unanswered comment is stonewalling. People can be distracted, tired, have difficulty hearing or need time to process. But a repeated pattern of being shut out deserves attention.

What is stonewalling?

Stonewalling is withdrawing from an interaction and shutting down communication. It can involve turning away, ignoring questions, focusing on a phone or refusing to engage when something needs addressing.

Sometimes a person is overwhelmed and struggles to respond. It can reflect difficulty with communication, managing emotions or handling conflict. Sometimes silence is used to avoid accountability, punish or control. We cannot know someone’s intention from silence alone. "The Gottman Institute" (https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-stonewalling/)

The person withdrawing can end up holding the power over communication.

They decide when—or whether—the conversation resumes. The other person is left waiting, guessing, repeating themselves or apologising simply to restore contact.

When silence is used to make someone give in, abandon a concern or comply, it can be emotional abuse. "Understanding the silent treatment" (https://www.verywellhealth.com/silent-treatment-emotional-abuse-5219934)

And yes, being repeatedly ignored can make you angry.

You may feel invisible, dismissed or deeply alone—even with someone sitting beside you.

Feeling angry does not make your need for acknowledgement unreasonable. What matters is how you respond to that anger. You can step back without chasing, shouting or endlessly explaining yourself.

A healthy pause includes communication.

“I’ve heard you. I’m overwhelmed and need a break. Can we talk after dinner?”

Then there is a genuine effort to return to the conversation.

Being overwhelmed can explain a shutdown. It does not remove the responsibility to work towards respectful communication.

What can you do?

If it feels safe, name what is happening:

“When I speak and get no acknowledgement, I feel shut out. If you need time, please tell me.”

For an unresolved concern:

“I can give you space, but this still matters. When can we come back to it?”

Then notice the pattern. Do they acknowledge the difficulty and make an effort to change? Or does communication resume only once you give in or stop mentioning your needs?

You cannot repair communication on your own.

You are also allowed to leave a conversation involving intimidation, insults or relentless questioning. Protecting yourself or choosing no contact for safety does not mean you owe someone another discussion.

💜 You don’t need agreement with every thought or a long conversation every time you speak. But wanting acknowledgement, interest and basic respect is reasonable.

You deserve to feel that your voice has a place in your relationships.

If you feel frightened or controlled, seek private support. Shine: 0508 744 633 offers free, confidential support, 24/7. In immediate danger, call 111. "Shine" (https://2shine.org.nz/)

Shadeofgrey Cottage | Are You Okay? 💜

11/09/2026

🌿 The Cottage is open again this weekend, with a little extra breathing room between appointments.

Thank you for your patience while I took some time off due to an allergy flare. I’m feeling well enough to start welcoming clients back and will be keeping my bookings spaced while I continue to recover.

Anyone whose appointment was postponed—including Father’s Day bookings—will have priority when rebooking. Please text me so we can find a time that suits.

Thank you for your kindness and understanding. I’m looking forward to seeing you back at the Cottage. 💛

Wendy
Shadeofgrey Cottage
📱 027 698 8226

11/09/2026

🌿 A good massage starts with being listened to.

Before the towels are warmed and the massage begins, there’s something that matters: how you’re feeling and what you need today.

Perhaps your shoulders are aching after a long week. Perhaps you’re carrying the load of looking after everyone else. Or perhaps you simply want an hour of quiet, with nothing asked of you.

When choosing a massage therapist, look for someone who makes room for you to speak—and takes notice of what you say.

You should feel comfortable to:

🌿 Explain what’s sore, share relevant health concerns and ask questions.

🌿 Ask for pressure to be adjusted at any time.

🌿 Say “please avoid that area” or “I’d like to stop,” knowing your wishes will be respected.

🌿 Enjoy a conversation—or settle into silence.

🌿 Expect privacy, clear boundaries and care tailored to you.

You don’t have to put up with uncomfortable pressure or stay quiet to be polite. Your feedback is welcome.

After around 37 years in massage, I still begin with the person in front of me. What suited you last month may be different from what you need today.

At Shadeofgrey Cottage, we talk about your needs, preferences and relevant health history, then work together to find an approach that suits you.

You don’t need to arrive cheerful, chatty or with an apology for your body. Come as you are. 💛

Shadeofgrey Cottage
Where massage is a necessity, not just a luxury.

📍 730 Main North Road, Belfast, Christchurch
📱 Text Wendy on 027 698 8226 to book.
To purchase an online voucher, just text Wendy to arrange or Eftpos, Afterpay, Credit Cards Accepted in store.

09/09/2026

💜 ARE YOU OKAY? — DAY 20 OF 30
When love is used as leverage.

Manipulation can happen between partners. It can also happen between a parent and their child—even when that child is an adult.

It can be difficult to recognise when it comes from someone you love, especially if you have grown accustomed to putting their feelings ahead of your own.

Manipulation uses guilt, fear, confusion or obligation to influence your choices. Instead of making a request and allowing you a genuine answer, someone makes saying no come at an emotional cost.

In a couple, it might sound like:

• “If you loved me, you would.”
• “You don’t need them. You’ve got me.”
• “I wouldn’t behave like this if you didn’t make me.”
• “After everything I do for you, you can’t do this one thing?”

It might look like repeatedly wearing you down after you have said no, threatening to leave to get their way, or withdrawing affection until you give in.

Giving in to end the pressure is not the same as freely choosing something.

Between a parent and child, it might sound like:

• “After everything I sacrificed for you.”
• “If you move away, you’re abandoning me.”
• “You’re selfish for wanting your own life.”
• “If you loved me, you would take my side.”

It might look like making a child responsible for a parent’s happiness, treating independence as betrayal, or drawing a child into adult conflict—asking them to choose sides, carry messages or report on the other parent.

Children need room to love their parents without being responsible for managing adult emotions or relationships.

Adult children also deserve privacy, independence and a voice of their own. Being raised and cared for does not create a debt of lifelong obedience.

💜 Look at the pattern, not just one sentence.

People can communicate badly, feel disappointed and make mistakes. Parents can set reasonable, age-appropriate limits. Partners can disagree.

Taking space to calm down, with an intention to return to the conversation, is different from using silence to punish someone until they comply.

The concern is a repeated pattern where one person’s wishes are enforced through guilt, fear or emotional punishment.

Ask yourself:

• Can I say no without being pressured until I change my answer?
• Can I express hurt without it becoming my fault?
• Can I have other relationships, interests and opinions?
• Are apologies followed by meaningful changes?
• Am I agreeing because I want to—or because I am afraid of what happens if I don’t?

Someone being upset with your boundary does not automatically mean your boundary is wrong.

You can care about their feelings without making every decision around them. You can appreciate what someone has done for you without owing them control over your life.

And you can love someone while recognising that their behaviour is hurting you.

If you recognise yourself using these behaviours, pause. Make a direct request, allow an honest answer, and take responsibility when you cause harm. Repair begins with changed behaviour.

If you recognise being on the receiving end, you don’t have to settle on a label or confront anyone to deserve support. Speaking privately with someone you trust can be a first step. If saying no feels unsafe, seek support before trying to challenge the pattern.

Being someone’s partner or child does not mean giving up your voice to keep their love.

💜 You deserve relationships where love leaves room for you to be yourself.

Shadeofgrey Cottage

08/09/2026

ARE YOU OKAY? — DAY 19 OF 30

When you’re done… you’re done.

Sometimes there isn’t another conversation to have.

There isn’t another way to explain it.

There isn’t another chance you need to give.

There isn’t another night you need to spend trying to make somebody understand what they have already been told.

You know how much you tried.

You know how many conversations you had.

How many times you explained what hurt.

How many times you asked for change.

How many times you forgave.

How many times you hoped things would be different.

How much energy you spent worrying about their feelings, their wellbeing, their childhood, their struggles, their reasons, their reactions.

And eventually something inside you can become very quiet.

Not angry.

Not vengeful.

Just done.

You realise:

I don't want to spend another breath, another day or another piece of myself trying to make this relationship work.

And you are allowed to reach that point.

You don't need them to agree that you've tried hard enough.

You don't need them to understand why you're leaving.

You don't need to present your evidence one final time.

You don't need the perfect closing conversation.

You don't need their permission to be finished.

Sometimes you've simply seen enough.

And perhaps for years, so much of your enormous capacity to love has been directed towards them.

Understanding them.

Supporting them.

Forgiving them.

Trying to heal them.

Trying to keep them happy.

Trying to prevent the next explosion.

Trying to make life easier for them.

Trying to convince them that they are loved.

But your capacity to love is your responsibility now.

And you can choose to pour it back into yourself.

Into your body.

Your health.

Your peace.

Your friendships.

Your children.

Your home.

Your work.

Your laughter.

Your creativity.

Your future.

Your dreams that quietly got pushed aside while you were busy surviving somebody else's needs.

Being done doesn't mean you never loved them.

It doesn't mean you don't occasionally miss them.

It doesn't mean you won't have moments of sadness, guilt or doubt.

It simply means:

I have already given enough of my life to this.

And I am no longer willing to sacrifice myself in order to prove that I am a loving person.

You can love deeply and still leave.

You can have compassion and still close the door.

You can wish somebody well without making their wellbeing your responsibility anymore.

And you can stop explaining.

Sometimes closure isn't something another person gives you.

Sometimes closure is the moment you quietly say to yourself:

Enough.

I choose me now. 💛

Are You Okay? — Day 19 of 30
Awareness of toxic, controlling and abusive relationships.

Shadeofgrey Cottage

08/09/2026

07/09/2026

Update: Cottage Closed Wednesday 9th Sept and i will reassess for Thursday and contact you if theres any changes. Often a severe allergy response can suddenly settle or keeps flaring. At the moment im still flaring.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
8th Sept-Cottage still closed today due to me being in the midst of a terrible allergic reaction - burning itching rash all over my skin, cruel itchy stinging hives and welts, swollen throat like a bullfrog, swollen neck and hives all over scalp. This all triggered off from stress upon receiving a call that a dear friend was being removed from life support after a short illness and she has left a very big void in a lot of lives The shock has affected us all, as it happened so quick. If you have a head cold or flu or you've been in contact with someone who has - please sanitise,wash your hands more often and wear a mask or stay home!

Reading back through my messages to her, i had planned a beautiful event for midwinter xmas but it wasnt sitting right with me so I cancelled it as my immunologist had told me a terrible super k flu was the new flu this year that would be hard on people. I honestly thought this was my last winter but it wasn't me, it was her... And that is how messages/insights/intuition often work through us - subtle enough until hindsight.

05/09/2026

Deepest apologies to all Dads who had pampers booked in today. I need to reschedule as I am in a serious allergic response. Il be in touch to reschedule your Fathers Day Treatments.

I am currently covered in hives and welts, burning feet, swollen neck and throat, esophagus spasms etc... 4 epi pens beside me and hubby ready to call ambulance ...its all very dramatic right now dam it!

05/09/2026

Are you okay Series.
DAY 18 of 30 — THE EMOTIONAL WAVES AFTER LEAVING

Leaving a toxic or abusive relationship is not a linear process.

There is no neat sequence where you feel one emotion, finish with it, and move on.

Instead, emotions often come in waves.

You might feel relieved in the morning and devastated that night.

You may feel strong for a week and then suddenly miss them.

You can be angry about what happened and still remember beautiful moments.

You can know why you left and still question yourself.

The waves may include:

Relief — finally being able to breathe without constantly reading somebody else’s mood.

Shock or numbness — your mind and body catching up with everything that has happened.

Fear — about money, housing, children, loneliness, the future, or what your former partner might do next.

Grief — not only for the person, but for the relationship and future you hoped you were going to have.

Longing — missing their voice, touch, company, familiar routines or the intense highs that existed between the difficult times.

Doubt — remembering the good moments and wondering whether things really were “that bad.”

Guilt — especially if they are struggling, apologising, pleading or telling you that you have destroyed the family.

Anger — sometimes this arrives much later, once you have enough distance to really understand what you lived through.

Loneliness — because even an unhealthy relationship can occupy an enormous amount of your emotional world.

Then something else may begin to happen.

You start finding your footing.

You sleep a little differently.

You laugh without checking somebody else's reaction.

You reconnect with people.

You make decisions without explaining them.

You start looking brighter.

You begin recognising yourself again.

Your glow starts coming back.

And sometimes, right around then, they make contact.

A message.

A phone call.

An apology.

A memory.

A “How have you been?”

A promise that things are different now.

Sometimes they appear softer, calmer, more vulnerable or more loving than the person you remember leaving.

And this is something worth preparing yourself for before it happens.

Because contact can wake up feelings you thought you had already worked through.

Your nervous system may recognise the familiar connection before your logical mind has time to catch up.

You may suddenly feel hope.

You may remember the chemistry.

You may start questioning yourself again.

You may feel responsible for their pain.

And the old cycle can begin pulling at you.

Prepare yourself internally for that moment.

Remind yourself why you left.

Write it down while your thinking is clear.

Remember how you felt on the worst days, not only how beautiful the best ones were.

Talk to somebody who knows the whole story before responding.

Give yourself time.

You do not owe an immediate reply.

You do not have to prove that you have forgiven them.

You do not have to meet them to show that you are strong.

And you do not need to re-enter a relationship to find out whether somebody has changed.

If you have returned before, please do not shame yourself.

Powerful relationship cycles can be incredibly difficult to break.

But every time you recognise the pull, pause and choose differently, you are weakening that pattern.

You are teaching yourself:

I can miss somebody without going back.

I can love somebody and still know they are not safe for me.

I can feel compassion without giving them access to me.

I can remember the good without rewriting the bad.

I can experience the wave without allowing it to carry me back.

And eventually another wave comes.

Rediscovery.

You remember what you like.

What you think.

What you want.

Who makes you laugh.

What peace feels like.

And then one day you may notice something extraordinary:

your life is no longer organised around somebody else's moods.

Healing is not measured by never thinking about them again.

It is not measured by never missing them.

And a difficult day does not mean you are going backwards.

Missing them does not mean leaving was a mistake.

Sometimes your body leaves first.

Sometimes your mind understands next.

And sometimes your heart takes a little longer to leave. 💛