28/08/2023
Part 3: Where does shame come from? How are the ways we feel shame? We exist in this world I'm relation to others. The first ever relationship we have is with our parents, out primary caregivers. Just like love, affection, care makes us thrive, feel safe and protected, when conditions of worth are put on our existence, we feel shame. When we are made to feel inadequate, when we are told through words, actions or nonverbal cues that we are not good enough, shame emerges. When we are made to earn live, affection and care of our primary caregivers, and are unable to achieve it for whatever reason, shame settles within us. Mostly it starts to manifest in our childhood. For example, a child who gets good grades is praised and acknowledged. A well-behaved child is liked by everyone. We internalize these voices and actions which become our inner voice.
As we grow older, we start to put these conditions on ourselves. Our inner dialogue which had formed it's basis on these conditions, that you're only worthy if you fulfill others' needs and expectations, dictates our lives. These voice could look like this: I'll only look good if I lose weight. I'll only be appreciated if I get good grades. I'm only successful if I have a certain kind of job. I'm only worthy if others are happy with me. If we're unable to fulfill these demands, we feel ashamed, or rather we shame ourselves. But can we get rid of these conditions of worth? Can we heal from the shame?
To be continued...