08/06/2026
The Origin of Dread
A: I feel so lazy.
B: Are you sure itâs lazy?
A: What else could it be?
B: Dread.
A: What do you mean, dread?
B: Were you asked to comply with expectation after expectation growing up? Things that were difficult and caused you pain throughout your developmental years?
A: Yeah⌠pretty much. I was rarely asked what I wanted to do, but I was definitely required to do what I didnât want to do every single day. I didnât have a choice.
B: Ah, that makes a lot of sense. So your brain associates being in action with betraying yourself. So, even though youâre able to make your own choices now, it sounds like your body is making up for all those powerless years by saying no to everything, as an act of healing and self-preservation.
A: (Sighs) That makes a lot of sense. Just strange that Iâm not even aware of this happeningâŚ
B: Well, thereâs this minuscule moment when your body registers that itâs time to do something. And if you grew up with the constant fear that failing to comply perfectly will lead to criticism or punishment, your brain will quickly try to protect you by giving you good reasons to get out of things.
A: That makes sense. I really am a master at getting out of things.
B: But I bet youâre not such a master at getting into things.
A: Exactly! And thatâs why I feel so lazyâbecause I really want to get into things. I have so many goals and passions!
B: What does dread feel like for you?
A: Ummm⌠kind of like the feeling before a colonoscopy.
B: Oh wow.
A: Except I get that feeling every dayâeven for things like cleaning the kitchen.
B: Yikes. Thatâs a lot of dread to carry every day. No wonder your brain keeps trying to protect you.
A: Yeah, but itâs weird that everything gives me this same amount of dread. Even stuff I want to do. And so I wind up having to push through all this dread dozens of times a day. And itâs exhausting.
B: Yup, I hear you. Your brain sounds like a very good bodyguard.
A: But⌠how can I get rid of all this dread?
B: Iâm not sure you can completely erase it, unfortunately.
A: Great.
B: But you can name it when it emerges and ask your brain: Are we really going for a colonoscopy, or are we just going on a beautiful walk around the block?
You can remind yourself that yes, you have the choice as an adult to get out of things, but you also have the ability to choose what youâd like to get into.
A: Interesting.
B: Of course, thereâll always be tasks you donât want to do. But now, you get to choose whether or not theyâre worth investing your energy into.
Instead of cleaning the kitchen so you wonât get in trouble, maybe you choose to clean it as a gift to yourselfâbecause you deserve cleanliness and beauty.
A: I like that.
B: Of course you do. Because itâs giving yourself compassion when itâs time to be in action! And thatâs definitely not something you received as a child.
A: Definitely not.
B: No one ever showed you the value of your laborâother than to use your elbow grease to avoid punishment. No one ever asked what you needed to make tasks more comfortable. You were taught instead that considering your own needs was selfish and arrogant. You were taught: You do it because I said so.
A: Exactly.
B: Well, you canât be inspired to be in action if your primary motivation is fearing punishment and criticism. To be inspired, you need a motivation that honors yourself. That way, it feels less like a colonoscopy and more like an opportunity.
A: Wow, Iâve never even asked myself these questions before. Iâm so used to feeling like I better do it now, or else.
B: The words we hear over and over again in childhood are the words we still hear as adults. And if we arenât aware of whose voice it is, weâll mistake it as our own.
A: Oh my god. Thatâs what Iâve been doing! If I didnât do the task right when I was told to, I was punished. I had to stay in my room and lose out on what I wanted to do. And now I punish myself!
B: See? Once upon a time, you had desires. But to avoid punishment, you abandoned your own needs to focus entirely on meeting the expectations of these other people.
A: Thatâs so sad.
B: It is sad, but guess where those other people learned that behavior?
A: Probably from their own parents.
B: So many generations have been obsessed with making sure that their children comply with task after task. So many households are like mini authoritarian governments. And maybe this works out ok for some kids. But for a lot of other kids, these standard workplace tasks are not only unpleasant, theyâre harmful.
Maybe youâre one of those people. Maybe youâre someone whoâs oriented inwardâsomeone who prefers reflecting and processing instead of being constantly busy.
Maybe if your parents had understood that there are different kinds of brains wired for different kinds of tasks, they might have introduced you to things that were aligned with your natural inclinations, so you could have contributed in a way that felt like an extension of yourself.
A: I wish that would have been the case. The only tasks I had were housework related. Ridiculous amounts of it. And I often didnât feel well as a child, probably because I was always made to do so many tasks. I remember they used to tell me, âTough times donât last, tough people do.'
And I guess at some point, I figured feeling sick must have been a sign of weakness, and so I pushed through the dread. And Iâm still pushing through the dread. Maybe thatâs why I always feel so burned out.
B: (Laughs) You think so? Did it ever occur to you that this daily, colonoscopy-level dread might be connected to your autoimmune disease?
A: (Laughs) I guess youâre right. I guess I figured my own comfort didn't matter. But now, Iâm realizing that Iâd like to feel comfortable.
B: Well, maybe now is the time to insert some compassion into your life. Maybe now is the time to figure out what youâd like to do with your energy that would be aligned with who youâve become.
This shifts being-in-action from something to dread into an expression of who you are in this world. Being-in-action this way allows others to get to know the real you, so that you can actually connect with people instead of hiding from the judgments of those unequipped to understand you.
..Are you crying?
A: All this gives me hope... but it also makes me sad that I didnât realize this stuff earlier.
B: Thereâs no deadline on waking up to your own patterns. Some people live their whole lives without ever recognizing these things, so please don't punish yourself for the time it took to get hereâthatâs the exact kind of judgment that dread feeds on.
You survived those years, but you don't have to live in a constant state of dread anymore. Wrap your arms around yourself, give yourself credit for how far youâve come, and remember: the rest of your life starts right now. No punishment. No rush. No expectations from anyone but you.
JLK
