09/02/2026
New post today on Substack! The Family Repair Substack is focused on helping families on the edge of no contact understand the patterns beneath the pain and find their way back to each other.
I was working with a family recently when one of the adult children offered a metaphor that stopped me in my tracks. We were practicing something that sounds incredibly simple and can be surprisingly difficult: listening to someone we love describe how they experienced you without immediately explaining your own side. One family member was trying to say, essentially, “When this happened, I felt hurt.”
Almost immediately, the other family members responded with their own experience. But I was trying… But you have to understand… But that wasn’t what I meant… Which, of course, is what most of us do.
When someone we love tells us that something we did hurt them, a protective part of us often comes rushing forward. It wants to explain our intentions, make sure we aren’t misunderstood, and reassure them that we’re a good person who had a good reason for doing what we did. There’s nothing wrong with that part of us, but it can have a terrible impact on the relationship.
When we can feel heard in our experience, meaning the other families reflect and validate our feelings, this family member said they experienced it like building a communal fire. He explained that when he says, “I felt hurt,” and his parents respond, “Oh, when that happened, you felt hurt. That makes sense.” it’s like they’re putting a log on the fire. The fire gets stronger and warmer, and suddenly there’s a place for everyone to gather around it.
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