10/17/2024
How to avoid marrying your future ex-husband.
Oops! That graphic should say, How to avoid marrying your FUTURE ex-husband.
My informal research suggests you consider these six factors that may lead women to make foolish choices.
1. TIMING: We’re most prone to fall mindlessly in love at difficult emotional junctures—on the heels of a breakup, divorce, or death of a family member important loss, for example.
2. STEAMY STARTS: The rush of romance and sexual attraction can act like a drug, and blur our capacity for clear thinking. When we get obsessed with a guy we confuse intensity with intimacy. In fact, intensity blocks us from taking an objective look at our partner, ourselves, and the relationship.
4. IDEALIZATION: We’re convinced he’s so brilliant and special, that we put him above us. An idealized view leads us to undervalue our own gifts and ignore red flags. We’ll make excuses for traits, qualities and behaviors that matter because he’s so special.
5. DESPERATION AND FEAR: Your two best friends just got married, you’re about to turn forty, and someone reminds you that your biological clock is ticking. Fear has never helped anybody make good choices. It leads to clinging when we should be walking.
6. LACK OF SELF-FOCUS: You’re looking for someone to fill up your empty bucket, give you some kind of direction, or provide meaning in your life. Poor choices happen when we’re not putting our primary energy into having our own life plan and figuring out how to live our own life (not someone else’s) as well as possible.
DO’S AND DON’TS: Slow things down and get to know him as well as possible. Don’t insulate your relationship with him from other important relationships, even if he says he wants to spend time only with you. You won’t really know him if you don’t make sure to observe him among both your friends and family and his. Keep your primary focus on your own goals and life plan, which will put you on firmest footing whatever happens with a particular relationship. Don’t silence your voice or avoid conflict in order to preserve relationship harmony.
AND NEVER FORGET THAT THERE ARE MANY POSSIBILITIES FOR INTIMACY AND CONNECTION OTHER THAN PAIRING UP.
