Philip Lewis Therapy

06/04/2026

They say you can’t change another person.⁣
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Why not?⁣
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You are in a relationship, after all. So, it’s completely reasonable to want connection, support, love, and intimacy in your relationship.⁣
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But HOW you go about getting it from your partner can make all the difference.⁣
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Constantly pointing out everything you dislike in hopes of reshaping your partner into who YOU think they really should be is what calls a "Losing Strategy". ⁣
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Venting your anger about where you think your mate is falling short might feel great in the moment, but indulging that primal urge virtually guarantees you won’t get the love and closeness you say you actually want.⁣
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In fact, as notes, relentless criticism is “lethal” to your relationship.⁣
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Let’s be real: People in healthy relationships know you can’t have everything your way all the time. Otherwise, it would be called a dictatorship, not a relationship.⁣
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So, pick your battles.⁣
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DO speak up with love for what you really need.⁣
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DON'T wear out your partner with endless complaints about all the little things that bother you about them, but that don’t matter to you in the long run.⁣
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This is strategy #2. Check back tomorrow for the third and final part of this series.⁣
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Series References:⁣
Gottman, J. M. and Silver, N. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country’s Foremost Relationship Expert. Harmony Books, p.32.⁣
Real, T. (2022). Us: getting past you and me to build a more loving relationship. Rodale Books.⁣
Servaas, M. N., et al. (2013). The effect of criticism on functional brain connectivity and associations with neuroticism. PLoS ONE, 8(7), e69606.⁣
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06/01/2026

They say you can’t change another person. Don’t believe them.
But how you go about it makes all the difference.
When you’re in a relationship, it’s completely reasonable to want connection, support, love, and intimacy.
But if your strategy for getting those needs met relies on constant complaining, you are using a tool that is destined to fail.
When you repeat negativity, your brain literally rewires. Frequent complaining trains your mind to hyper-focus only on your partner's flaws. You end up exaggerating the problems, missing viable solutions, and becoming oblivious to the moments where your partner actually does step up.
This is only the first piece of the puzzle. Check back tomorrow for Part Two of this series.

References:
Gottman, J. M. and Silver, N. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country’s Foremost Relationship Expert. Harmony Books, p.32.
Servaas, M. N., et al. (2013). The effect of criticism on functional brain connectivity and associations with neuroticism. PLoS ONE, 8(7), e69606.*

05/28/2026

Feeling like an imposter in your relationship? You’re not alone!

Most people think they have to hide their flaws to be a good partner. They treat their old emotional scars like a dirty secret. They assume real intimacy requires presenting themselves as perfection personified.

It is the exact opposite.

So, why does everyone keep trying to make their life look flawless?

The science is clear—perfection is just not possible.

Besides, pretending you’re perfect doesn’t make other people like you better. As a matter of fact, it actually makes them trust you less.

Think about it.

Why do we think revealing we have the same flaws, flubs, and failures as everybody else will somehow convince people we are uniquely damaged?

Personally, I’m far more drawn to a person who entrusts me with their actual fears and deep insecurities than someone hiding behind a mask.

Do you agree?

05/27/2026

05/21/2026

When couples are in conflict, their brains can do some pretty strange things.

Take the so-called Einstellung effect ("Einstellung" in German basically means your mental setting or attitude).

This is a cognitive bias where your brain defaults to familiar ways of doing things instead of looking for fresh, potentially better solutions. Because your mind prefers what it already knows, it completely blinds you to a better, faster way forward.

So, in relationships, you might keep using the exact same approach to conflict resolution because it’s familiar. You repeat the same pattern, possibly even if it hasn’t worked that well in the past.

What’s your couple’s go-to outdated pattern that keeps you stuck? Tell me in the comments below.


For more about the Einstellung Effect, see https://thedecisionlab.com/biases/einstellung-effect.

Philip Douglas Lewis, LMFT # 150760

05/15/2026

05/14/2026

Controlling your partner may feel like a quick way to get what you want.

It isn't.

This reel is parody — but the relationship pattern is very real.

As bestselling author and couples therapist Terry Real puts it, trying to control your partner is always a losing strategy.

Let’s be honest, no one likes being controlled. Besides, it may get them to do what you want at the moment, but in the long run it just might push your partner away for good.

So ask yourself:

Are you the partner you'd want to have — or are you a Chad?

05/04/2026

You Can’t Win at Relationships with Losing Strategies.

Most couples don't fight because they've stopped loving each other. They fight because they use losing strategies.

In Relational Life Therapy, founded by Terry Real, Losing Strategies are missteps many couples repeatedly make when trying to resolve conflict. Each one feels like it should work. None of them do.

1. Needing to Be Right — It feels logical to think you can end fights by establishing what really happened. But proving who’s right and who’s wrong is a Losing Strategy, as it turns healthy repair attempts into useless battles over who got the facts wrong.

2. Controlling Your Partner — When you’re unhappy, the urge to pressure your partner to change can be powerful. But nobody responds well to being controlled. It’s more likely to push them away than get you what you actually want.

3. Unbridled Self-Expression — Full honesty doesn’t mean unleashing everything you feel the moment you feel it. A wall of words doesn’t create connection — it pushes people away.

4. Retaliation — Wanting to strike back when you’re hurt is human. But lashing out at someone you love won't get them to do anything you want. It just gives them something new to retaliate for.
5. Withdrawal — Shutting down may feel like the safest option when you’re overwhelmed or cornered. It’s not. Nothing fuels a fight or suffocates intimacy more quickly than when one partner shuts down.

If any of these feels uncomfortably familiar—good. That means you’re starting to get it.

I show couples how to finally stop fighting.

DM me if you want to learn.

📍 Beverly Hills | Relational Life Therapy

04/30/2026