06/10/2026
Dr. Becky Kennedy writes, "Many parents see behavior as the measure of who are kids are, rather than using behavior as a clue to what our kids might need. What if we saw behavior as an expression of needs, not identity?" Once we start watching for needs, it puts a new lens on the sometimes frustrating or strange behavior we see from our kids, and gives us options to respond in ways that build connection and meet the need driving the behavior. Here’s a short list of behaviors and possible underlying needs to get you thinking. Once you know what you’re watching for, it’s time to get creative about new ways to support your child.
Behaviors & Possible Underlying Needs:
Whining, Baby Talk, or Clinginess
Need for comfort, gentle support, or close contact
Aggression
Need to discharge stress, jealousy, safety to feel difficult feelings
Meltdowns/Explosive Reactions
Needing connection before problem solving, support with emotional regulation, exhaustion
Defiance
Need for autonomy, control, predictability
Perfectionism
Needing unconditional support for help with fear of failure or rejection, protection from shame
Attention-Seeking Behavior
Need for connection, reassurance, belonging, co-regulation
Lying
Need for strong attachment messages to help with fear of disconnection and shame