11/15/2023
Many things about relationships involve two truths which are to some degree contradictory and are “paradoxes to be managed, not problems to be solved.”
Another phrase I like is “Both are true.” Partners with anxious attachments develop anxious attachments in large part because they grow up with unpredictable access to emotional comfort and connection. This leaves them with a nagging feeling of insecurity….like the rug can be pulled out from under them at any moment. Because of this insecurity, they have a hard time tolerating the unknown. As adults, when conflict with their partner arises, they feel intense distress and a strong urge to resolve things right then and there. While it’s important to honor the anxious partner’s need for predictability, their partner also has needs and often those needs involve taking space to process. It’s also true that some problems can’t be resolved right then and there. Maybe the setting or time isn’t right. Maybe it will take multiple conversations to work through everything.
What is the answer? The answer is to work toward both….the relationship should be set up to honor the anxious partner’s need for predictability to the extent which that is possible and appropriate to an adult relationship AND for the anxious partner to learn to manage their painful feelings in the unavoidable times in which they will have to tolerate the unknown, and a lack of immediate resolution. Both are true, and it means both partners will need to be flexible and willing to move toward each other without abandoning their own needs, in order to manage this type of paradox.
