Dr. Kristi Webb

Dr. Kristi Webb I am a psychologist in private practice. I work with adults who are struggling with depression, anxiety, trauma, substance abuse, and life transitions.

Some are suicidal and/or self-harming. I am a DBT therapist as well as using other therapies. See my Pinterest board at www.pinterest.com/drkristiwebb/

08/24/2026

Skill of the Week: Effectiveness. Effectiveness means focusing on what works. If you're like me, you have a strong sense of fairness, of what's just and right, and of how things "should" be. The problem is that the world and the people in it are so rarely interested at all in what I think is fair, just, and right. If I am only able to be happy when others are behaving fairly, I'm going to be miserable a lot of the time. Being effective means that I deal with things as they really are, not as I wish they were. Effectiveness means being savvy, being able to meet people where they actually are. Let's say you are moving into a new apartment and you want to buy some of the former tenant's furniture. She says she'll charge you $1,500 for a sofa, a bookcase, and a lamp. This is much more than you had hoped to pay; you say, "Your furniture isn't really worth that much - it's not all that nice and it's pretty dinged up." I can just about guarantee you that you won't be buying that furniture; most people don't like to have their taste criticized. It is far more effective to say, "That's much more than I had hoped to pay; I wonder if you'd consider half that amount, given that you wouldn't then have to go to the trouble of finding another buyer for it?" Being effective means knowing what your goal is and reacting to the actual situation (not the fairest or most just) in order to achieve that goal. Similarly, if you're driving in the left hand lane and the person ahead of you is creeping along, it is not effective to tailgate, honk your horn, flash your lights, and flip them off (you're liable to just make them angry and stubborn). Practicing effectiveness means that you pass them on the right and get on with your life.

08/17/2026

Skill of the Week: Self-validation. We all like to be validated, to be told that our feelings, reactions, thoughts, ideas make sense. "That makes sense" is one response to our words or behavior that validates us. It helps us feel not so alone and strange. Validation lets us feel supported and close to others, and decreases shame and defensiveness. Learning who will validate us is important, as is knowing how to validate and how to accept validation from others. Self-validation, though, is essential because we cannot always count on others to "get" us, or to express validation in such a way that we can hear it. To validate yourself, start by paying attention to your thoughts, feelings, and behavior. You might even reflect them back to yourself, using words to describe what you are thinking, feeling, and/or doing ("I feel really uneasy right now"; "I cannot stop ruminating about how I acted in that group"). Remind yourself that you are doing the best you can under current conditions. Place your reactions (thoughts, feelings, behaviors) in both historical context (Aunt Lola said something hurtful to you when you were 14 so of course now you are reluctant to sit next to her at dinner) and in current context (you rushed to get to the barbecue on time, so you are rattled and ill-at-ease and need time to settle down). Stand up for yourself when your behavior is valid, even if others don't agree. Treat yourself with respect and compassion. If you've ever been invalidated by someone else (and who hasn't?) you know how much it hurts. Don't do that to yourself! Tell yourself, "I am ruminating about how I acted in that group - that makes sense, since I am shy around groups."). Self-validate, with kindness and care.

08/10/2026

Skill of the Week: Plan Plans, Not Results. We've probably all done this: we make a plan, and then we tell ourselves a story about how the plan will work out - or how it won't - and what we'll do next. If you've ever tried to lose weight, and at the end of the first week you have gotten on the scale and seen that the number has dropped, and you've then started planning what you will do when you reach your goal - you've planned results. If you've ever applied for a job, had a good interview, and started imagining what it will be like to give your notice to the current job - you've planned results. If you've ever faced a final exam in your least favorite subject and told yourself you're going to fail, and then looked up what that will do to your GPA and whether it's too late to drop the class - you've planned results. Planning plans, not results, means we stay in the moment, and we gather more facts. We get more data. We make our plan and then we see what happens next. This saves us a lot of distress when the results we get aren't what we had hoped for.

08/03/2026

Skill of the Week: Challenge your Thinking. This skill is a fundamental part of problem-solving. Often, when we face a situation (including afflictive emotions) we tell ourselves, "This is a problem/crisis/disaster/really awful thing!" What happens to us isn't actually a problem; it's our opinion about it that is the problem. We have all kinds of opinions about what is good or bad, what will happen next, how we're expected to respond, and what it all means. To stop being held hostage by your opinions, start by describing just the facts about the situation or event: what exactly happened? What makes this a problem? What negative outcomes are you expecting? Next, check the facts: how likely is it that you have them correct? is there an experiment you can conduct to get a reality check? What are some other possible interpretations of the facts? You can also ask yourself, How likely is it that the worst outcome you fear will come to pass? Is there an experiment you can run to test your hypothesis? What other possible outcomes are there? Here's a simple example: Someone asked you for help by email, you responded with a suggested date and time, and then heard nothing: crickets. You feel puzzled at first, then angry. How rude! What did you do to deserve that? Who does that? What an awful person they are! Challenging your thinking might go like this: The facts are that they asked you for help, you agreed, and then they went silent. That's all we really know. The only way to check your assumptions is to ask them. Other possible interpretations of the facts? Maybe their email has gone whickety-wack or their computer has died; maybe they got ill, or a family member did; maybe some crisis has come up and they don't have time to respond; maybe they got a head injury and don't remember who you are; maybe they figured out the solution to their problem and now feel too embarrassed to tell you. It is certainly possible they they are intentionally ignoring you, but it's not the only possibility. In a more complicated scenario you'd also want to challenge your thinking about the negative outcomes you fear. Once we move away from thinking that generates afflictive emotions we are more likely to be able to problem-solve effectively.

07/27/2026

Skill of the Week: Radical Acceptance. Following on last week's post, here we are at acceptance. I love the word "radical" when paired with "acceptance." It means not only way-out-there, extreme, but also fundamental, at the root. And acceptance sometimes (often) has to be both: not only our at-the-end-of-the-line reaction, but also profound, core, rooted in us. So when you are faced with an unacceptable situation, *and you've done everything in your power to change it*, and it persists... radical acceptance. When you've pushed as hard as you can and you still aren't getting the result you want.... radical acceptance. It's important to remember that acceptance is not the same as approval. I do not approve of lots of things I have to accept, such as racism, sexism, rudeness, and why we can't cure the common cold. When I am faced with any of these things, and I have done everything I can to change it, and it persists.... time for radical, gut-level, acceptance. (I also find that once I have used this difficult skill, I usually think of a new and more effective approach to the problem). I don't have to be happy about it, I don't have to smile, I don't have to be gracious about it, I don't have to like it, but I have to stop fighting. When your back is to the wall, finally you take a deep breath and step out in a new direction: acceptance.

07/20/2026

Skill of the Week: Turning the Mind. Life is full of unpleasant happenings. Sometimes those are in our personal lives, sometimes in the news, but we have to accept them daily. At this point, many of us - hearing the word "accept" - buckle down, squinch up our faces, and think, "No! I can't - it's too painful!" or, "I won't! If I accept, I'm giving in!" We'll talk about the skill of radical acceptance next week, but for this week, what if you were simply to gently turn your mind away from rejection and toward acceptance? When we think about the skill of Turning the Mind, we can think about standing at a fork in the road. Instead of turning your mind toward the road of rejection, complaining, stubborn willfulness, or even refusing to take either fork, when we turn the mind we turn toward the road of acceptance. By turning your mind you may not yet have radically accepted – but you’re on the way. You can turn your mind to try to accept. Maybe you haven’t gotten there yet, but at least you aren’t rejecting – that’s progress! You can make a commitment to acknowledge the facts - that’s not acceptance, but it’s a step on the acceptance road. Then – do this again, over and over and over. We never turn the mind just once; we have to keep doing it. This is especially true if reality is painful.

07/13/2026

Skill of the Week: Walking The Middle Path. This week's skill is about finding a balance point between two extremes. We don't have to be either red or blue; either for or against; either shouting or silent; either happy or sad. Walking the middle path is about balancing priorities (emphasis on the word "balance"). The middle path is between what DBT refers to as Emotion Mind and Reason Mind; it's where we make a decision based on both logic and our heart. The middle path is between staying in this moment and planning for the future. The middle path walks between acceptance and change - both are present. When we are on the middle path, we recognize that we can be simultaneously happy and sad. Walking the middle path means practicing moderation and also giving in to some self-indulgence. So we might get a small ice cream instead of having either no ice cream or the tub-sized dish. We might remind ourselves that we're not where we want to be, but we are not where we used to be, either. We might do 1 exercise instead of our full set (something is better than nothing - it's the middle path). Or we might throw ourselves into achieving our goals and let go of having to achieve them or else. The middle path, balance, isn't always 50/50; it's about being at your center (which may not be someone else's idea of the center - someone else might do 3 exercises, or have a smoothie). Where are you out of balance and where might you try walking the middle path?

07/06/2026

Skill of the Week: Tolerating Uncertainty. Human brains are not wired to tolerate uncertainty: that's why this requires such skill. Ambiguity, uncertainty, the unknown: all are, for most of us, precursors to fear and anger, or we may get all control-y. Uncertainty can, however, open the door just a bit to hope. After all, if we don't *know* that the medical test results will be bad news, there is still hope. If we haven't yet heard back from our job interview, there is still hope. Please understand that this skill is not giving permission to deny reality. Climate change is here and ocean levels are rising; there is no uncertainty here to tolerate (tolerating news you don't like requires different skills). Because our brains don't deal well with uncertainty, we tell ourselves a story that may not be true, and we stick to it. Tolerating uncertainty means that we intentionally come up with other possible explanations for what's happening. Sure, it's possible that the doctor isn't calling you back because they think you're that annoying patient. It could also be that your message hasn't yet gotten past the nurse; that the doc is so swamped they haven't gotten to you yet; that they have COVID; that they're dealing with an elderly parent with dementia; that they did respond but you never got the message... see how many other possible explanations there are? The skill of tolerating uncertainty means looking for the crack in the doorway and widening it, welcoming hope in.

06/29/2026

Skill of the Week: Don't Go to the Bakery Expecting to Buy Hamburger. Another way to say this is, Don't try to get water from a dry well. We tend to have expectations - or just wishes - about how other people should behave. They should listen better, or they should share their feelings with us more. Maybe we keep hoping that this time it will be different, and they will give us the emotional support we are asking them for. But if we keep getting frustrated because they behave *exactly as we know they have always behaved*, because that's who they are, the problem is ours; so is the solution. Don't go the bakery expecting to buy hamburger; they don't sell that there. It's as Maya Angelou said, "When people show you who they are, believe them the first time." It's no use expecting someone to be different than they are. It's like getting frustrated with a dog for barking. That's what dogs do. Expecting them to be different is a waste of time and energy. In these situations, our job is to recognize that we're in the bakery looking for hamburger, then to either decide we are OK eating a baguette instead, or to get out of there and go where we can buy what we want. But then how are we to soothe the sting of having been courageous enough, and skilled enough, to have recognized what we needed, and asked for it, and been - if not rebuffed - unsatisfied by the response? That is, the person may not have said, "No, go away" but their actions felt as if that was the message. What then? Under those circumstances, I'm going to head for Radical Acceptance (rock-bottom, I-can't-change-this acceptance); compassion for the other person (imagine being so unskilled that you either don't know what you're being asked for or don't know how to provide it); and compassion for myself (ouch! that hurt. It's not personal; it demonstrates a lack in the other person; may I be gentle with myself). These kinds of failures are going to hurt more coming from our partner or dear friend than from a colleague, or someone in our family of origin (we've had years to get used to their inability to be there for us). I'm not going to spend a lot of time trying to figure out why they couldn't respond as I asked; that's not my problem. My job is to self-soothe the sting, and then go search for where I can buy the hamburger I am craving. See less

06/22/2026

Skill of the Week: Look for the Care. Many of us are familiar with Mr. Rogers' saying that in difficult times we should look for the helpers. These are certainly difficult times, between extreme weather events and extremes in politics and (at least) US culture. What if, day after day, you are struggling, or you just feel down, or cranky and irritable, or anxious, or simply blah? No one can help you in ways that matter. I like to recommend this skill for those times. We are all, always, being cared for in all kinds of ways. If you are a religious person, you might believe that a Higher Power is caring for you; even if you're not religious, you can look for - and find - care in how good your breakfast tastes and that the earth holds you up when you need to get from here to there. There is care in finding a parking space when you need one, in being able to pay your bills. Even in the midst of war and discrimination and battles of all kinds, there is care: people around the world donating food and supplies, offering prayers and material help; people seeing you for who you are and welcoming all of you; people fighting alongside you for your rights. Will looking for the care solve all of your problems? Probably not, but it certainly will change your attitude, which is beneficial on its own.

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104 So Estes Drive, Suite 206
Chapel Hill, NC
27514

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