10/02/2026
There’s a particular kind of wound that comes from the choices our fathers make. And sometimes, it takes years to realize just how deeply those choices have impacted our sense of self-worth.
My father struggled with infidelity, sexual addiction and ultimately su***de. While I understand these were his struggles, I’ve come to recognize how much they shaped the way I saw myself.
I internalized his choices as a reflection of my own value. I felt unchosen, unimportant and unworthy of the love, attention and commitment I needed.
Why wasn’t I enough? Why wasn’t I worth choosing? Why couldn’t he stay?
Even as an adult, knowing his choices had nothing to do with my worth doesn’t mean I’ve fully healed those beliefs.
They show up in my relationships, in my need for validation, in my fears of abandonment and in the parts of me that still question whether I’m truly worthy of being loved and chosen.
This is the complicated part of healing: knowing something intellectually doesn’t mean you’ve healed it emotionally.
I can understand my father’s pain, have compassion for his struggles and recognize that his choices were his own, while still acknowledging the ways they wounded me.
The deeper work is learning to separate my worth from his choices.
His inability to show up, be faithful, manage his struggles or stay was never a reflection of my lovability.
I was always worthy of being chosen. I was always worthy of love. I never needed to earn either.
But knowing that and truly feeling it are two very different things.
This is the work I’m doing now. Uncovering the beliefs I’ve carried for so long, recognizing where I’ve made someone else’s choices mean something about me and reclaiming the parts of myself that learned to feel unworthy.
I can love my father, grieve what I didn’t receive and still choose to stop carrying the weight of his choices.
Maybe that’s what healing looks like: finally giving myself the love, value and worth I’ve spent so much of my life looking for outside of myself.
