06/05/2026
PSA - an Advanced Guard Dog, “Boomer”, has been newly installed at Compass Chiropractic.
Official Guard Dog Model Warning:
This dog is known to cause chronic laughter, reduced personal space, unexplained snack shortages, and severe emotional attachment. Once exposed, most humans willingly accept repeated contact.
Features:
* Master of Emotional Manipulation — Deploys oversized eyes and droopy ears to obtain treats, couch privileges, and legal immunity.
* Advanced Counter-Surveillance Nose — Can detect a dropped Cheerio from three rooms away and will immediately launch an investigation.
* Relentless Tracking Instincts — Once a scent has been acquired, pursuit may continue across neighborhoods, state lines, and common sense.
* Acoustic Area-Denial System — Possesses a baying call capable of informing every living being within a half-mile radius that a squirrel exists.
* Expert Food Extraction Specialist — Can infiltrate unsecured lunch bags, countertops, and picnic blankets with remarkable efficiency.
* Highly Developed Negotiation Resistance — Immune to commands that conflict with personal interests.
* Organized Crime Connections — Maintains an extensive underground network of rabbits, squirrels, and neighborhood dogs.
* Stealth-Based Blanket Occupation — Can silently acquire 85% of a queen-sized bed despite weighing only 25 pounds.
* Compulsive Perimeter Patrol Unit — Will inspect every inch of the yard multiple times daily for signs of unauthorized squinnies.
* Evidence Destruction Capabilities — Consumes incriminating snacks before investigators can arrive.
* Unscheduled Excavation Expertise — Able to transform a pristine lawn into an archaeological dig site in minutes.
* Persistent Human Monitoring Program — Refuses to allow bathroom visits, kitchen trips, or naps without direct supervision.
* High-Risk Tail Deployment — Capable of clearing coffee tables and striking unsuspecting knees during moments of excitement.
* Selective Hearing Technology — Hearing range extends to the opening of a cheese wrapper from hundreds of feet away, but not to the phrase “come here.”
* Pack-Bonding Dependency — Once attached to a human, may follow them from room to room for the remainder of their natural life.
Boomer is on a trial run today and we will be interested to see how many hearts he breaks with his advanced capabilities and features. He’s on a leash, so visitors will have the choice to pet and love on him 😉
