Danielle Weatherholtz, Lpcc-s, Psychotherapy & Counseling

12/22/2022

12/22/2022

10/30/2022

Halloween can be really fun... and Halloween can be full of meltdowns and tears.

🎃 Remember this key idea and then let's apply it to Halloween: The more we talk to our kids about what to expect, the more they will feel in control... which means the more they will act in control.

This Halloween, talk about your plans with your kids - in advance. Talk about costumes and masks - after all, many kids find these very scary!

🦸‍♀️ Have your kids try on their costume today, so they can work out what is "too itchy!" and what it feels like to walk around in it.

🏠 Ask your kids how they think they'll feel when you announce, "Time to go home!" - kids who can anticipate their feelings tend to be better able to regulate them, because they are less taken by surprise.

👻 And see what part of the holiday you can embrace with playfulness. We deserve some fun too, and our kids love when we break from our usual routine and prioritize silliness with them!

05/25/2022

We cannot fully “news proof” our home when unsettling events happen in the world, but we can help kids navigate what they hear through simple, responsive, reassuring conversations.

05/25/2022

In response to the School shooting, PFA for Schools: https://bit.ly/3wOMioZ offers good resources to help responders in the days ahead. The NCTSN has additional resources in both Spanish: https://bit.ly/38gO8qx and English: https://bit.ly/3lGjM3P to support children and families impacted by these events.

01/11/2022

Polyvagal Theory widens the perspective on managing kids' challenging behaviors.

10/26/2021

Dr. Dan Siegel coined the term “mindsight,” and as he explains in his book MINDSIGHT, the simplest meaning of the word comes down to two things: understanding our own mind, as well as the mind of another. The basic concept is that our mind can be pictured as a bicycle wheel, with a hub at the center and spokes radiating towards the outer rim.

The rim represents anything we can pay attention to or become aware of: our thoughts and feelings, our dreams and desires, our memories, our perceptions of the outside world, and the sensations from our body.

The hub is the inner place of mind from which we become aware of all that’s happening around and within us. It’s basically our middle prefrontal cortex, which controls the upstairs brain. The hub is part of what’s called the executive brain, because it’s from this place that we make our best decisions; it’s also the part of the brain that allows us to connect deeply to others, and to ourselves. Our awareness resides in the hub, and from here, we can focus on the various points of the rim of our wheel.

This can be a powerful tool for our kids because it allows them to recognize that the different thoughts and feelings giving them so much trouble are simply different aspects of themselves.

10/26/2021

Feelings are only scary if we are alone in them.
When our kids share that other kids can read before they can… or that other kids are faster runners… they actually aren’t looking for a parent to say “No that’s not true!” or “Well, you’re great at something else!” What are our kids looking for? They’re looking for us to be less afraid of this reality than they are.

The more we validate our kids’ perception (“You’re noticing that difference, huh”) and feelings (“That feels bad, huh”) and connect through curiosity (“Tell me more about that…”), we actually help our kid become more at home with themselves - and this is the essence of confidence.

After all, confidence isn’t feeling the best at everything. Confidence is feeling like it’s ok to be you - maybe even that you still like being you - even when you’re not the “best” at something. And the more we can tolerate the tough feelings our kids have, the more they will be able to tolerate them as well - and the more confident they will become.

10/08/2021

We want to help our kids preserve access to their desire. We want our kids to be able to want for themselves - not only now, but perhaps especially as they get older and enter adulthood.

Want your child to be able to ask for a raise? Be able to say "I need you to be talk to me more respectfully" to a partner? Want your child to be able to say, “No, I’m not able to make that work - I can get back to you with another time that works for me”?

Well, we cannot shut down our kids’ desires now simply because they are inconvenient and exhausting (but boy can they be inconvenient and exhausting right??) and expect our kids to then access their desires when they’re older.  We are building pathways in their early years - emotion regulation circuits, procedural learning, ways of being in the world.

Desires are powerful and strong - and hard to manage for anyone. Think about how hard it is for you to want something and not get it - it’s so challenging! And so for our kids, it’s no wonder that their strong desires lead to meltdowns or hits or difficult moments. But the desire themselves, the wants and the ideas and the self-assertion… these aren’t the problem. The problem is that kids haven’t’ yet learned how to regulate in these moments.

And so: it's critical to set boundaries with kids - to say “I won’t let you” and to pull kids away in a moment of hitting or throwing so they don’t get more out of control. But then it’s also critical to show permission and empathy for the underlying feelings and urges and WANTS. 

It may come together like this:: "I will not let you hit and I may even take me with you to another room so your tantrum doesn't take over the whole house... and yet, also, I WANT YOU TO HOLD ONTO YOUR DESIRE FOR YOURSELF. Knowing what you want for yourself - this is good and healthy."

Here’s a question for all of you and let’s make this the best, most reflective and support comment section ever - what did you learn, maybe indirectly, about your wants and needs and urges, when you were a kid? How may they have been seen as “dangerous” or how were they shut down? What do you wish you heard in your tough moments? How are you trying to re-access your desire now?

09/28/2021