10/09/2026
Often times I see from partners who want to fix their relationship where one partner relentlessly pushes the other partner down (degrades them, embarrasses them, verbally and mentally abuses them) as a way to “get back” the hurt and pain caused by infidelity. And it becomes sort of a push-pull of toxic behaviors until one partner either gives up or worse (that’s for another post on another day).
This psychological maltreatment to the partner that cheated is often compounded by punitive manipulation. When a partner uses an infraction like cheating as an excuse to inflict ongoing psychological punishment, control, or degradation, several specific dynamics and tactics are at play:
• Punitive or Retaliatory Abuse: Using a partner’s past mistake (like infidelity) as a permanent “get-out-of-jail-free” card to justify cruelty, insults, humiliation, or creating an environment where the partner feels constant walking on eggshells because of their infraction.
• Gaslighting: Making the cheating partner feel like they are completely insane, overly sensitive, or permanently disqualified from having any boundaries, feelings, or needs in the relationship.
• Trauma / Power Imbalance: While the discovery of infidelity causes legitimate betrayal trauma and intense anger, turning that pain into a system of constant psychological degradation, shaming, or control crosses the line from a difficult healing process into emotional abuse.
Don’t get me wrong, I’ve been on both sides of the seat as a therapist. I understand full well the feeling of get back and the boundaries needed to heal from a broken relationship with a partner who desired to work on fixing it.
While betrayal is deeply painful, prolonged emotional abuse, intimidation, or psychological punishment is not a healthy or safe way to resolve infidelity. This is why MFTs are available to help do the heavy lifting of helping couples identify issues that lead to cheating, and developing healthy ways to manage triggers within appropriate boundaries to increase connection, trust and intimacy. It CAN work with partners who truly want to heal.
