10/12/2026
During Domestic Violence awareness month, it is important to talk about why domestic violence is about power and control dynamics—and not just simply anger:
Anger can be present in domestic violence of course, but anger by itself does not explain domestic violence.
People experience anger every day without threatening, intimidating, isolating, humiliating, monitoring, or abusing their partners.
In an abusive relationship, the important question is often not “Why did this person get angry?” but “What does this person do when they want control, and what happens when the other person does not comply?”
Someone may use anger as a tool of control. Anger can be used to engage in behaviors that create fear, compliance, dependence, or submission in order to maintain control. They may attempt to control who they see, where they go, or what they wear. Monitor their phone, location, finances, or communications. Withhold money or access to transportation. Use children, pets, or finances as leverage. Accuse them of causing the abuse because they “made me angry.” Become increasingly controlling when the victim attempts to leave or become independent.
They may apologize afterward, only to repeat the behavior when control is challenged.
The anger may be real, but the abusive behavior is about control, its not because of or from the anger.
Anger-management skills may be useful for emotional regulation, but they do not address entitlement, coercive control, intimidation, beliefs about relationships, beliefs about themselves, and/or the use of abuse to maintain power in a relationship.
In an relationship with power and control issues, the pattern often becomes:
Partner asserts independence → the user of power/control experiences loss of control → abusive behavior occurs → partner changes their behavior to avoid the consequences → the person engaging in power/control then regains control again.
Over time, the victim/survivor may begin modifying their own behavior—not because they agree with the abuser, but because they are trying to prevent the next explosion, threat, punishment, or act of violence.
That is one reason domestic violence can be so confusing from the outside. The victim may appear to be “walking on eggshells,” while the abusive partner may appear calm or loving much of the time.
Healthy relationships allow two people to have different opinions, boundaries, needs, and choices without one person being punished for them.
Domestic Violence isn't about whether the person is angry every minute or even rarely-anger is not required for domestic violence. It's the larger pattern of power and control using behaviors that create fear, compliance, dependence, or submission in order to maintain that dynamic.
