01/23/2021
This whole post is amazing! Please read.
One way I know that I have made progress in my healing is that I have given my children permission to advocate for themselves when they are on the receiving end of my wound reactions.
Last night, my daughter (almost 8), had some very big & instantaneous feelings when I asked her to turn off the TV and do her nightly 20 min of reading. I was so thrown off by her reaction to what I considered a gentle reasonable request that I went into defense/offense mode (I was tired/ hungry/ low brain prone) and ended up calling her DRAMATIC and threatening her with telling her teacher. What??? Yes, I threatened to tattle. 🙈 The helplessness and confusion I was experiencing was palpable. Not my best moment.
“Mom! You’re being violent with your words! You’re not being a safe space for my feelings!”
She was right. I WAS being violent with my words. I was NOT being a safe space. Though it’s not her responsibility to create the conditions for my self-reflection, this helped me to snap out of the spiral I was going down.
I cannot imagine what would’ve happened to me (yes I can but don’t want to) if I had said those things to my mom as a child. I was fearful.
But this child— she is fearless. And isn’t that the child I set out to raise? A child who is unafraid to self-advocate, knows her worth, and can create boundaries QUICK when something doesn’t feel good in her body about the way she’s being treated.
Let me be clear. This was not “talking back”, this was not “giving me attitude”. This was a POSITIVE. I didn’t realize that right away. I had to consciously grow that little light of truth that cracked open in me when she said that.
I told her she was right but that I needed space. I told her I was in my low brain and needed to come back up before we could continue. I drank water. I sat on the floor. I paid attention to my breath & to my other two kids.
I was able to ground. Twenty minutes later, we were able to repair. I apologized for my part. She, on her own accord, apologized too for “freaking out”. I thanked her for standing up for herself. We worked on solutions for next time. This is the work. Our work. 🌻
