http://kneading2unwind.massagetherapy.com/

Kneading To Unwind, Depoe Bay, OR (2026)

10/11/2026

🚨💎 WELL, WELL, WELL… THE VIP PROGRAM IS OFFICIALLY GETTING EVICTED!

That’s right! I’ve made the decision to PERMANENTLY DISCONTINUE my VIP Massage Packages!

No more occasional releases. No more waiting for the next sale. No more surprise comebacks.

GONE. FINISHED. RETIRED. NEVER TO BE SEEN AGAIN!

BUT WAIT!!! You didn’t think I was going to let these packages disappear without causing a little chaos first, did you?!

TODAY ONLY, I’M BRINGING THEM BACK FOR ONE FINAL HURRAH! 🎉

And because apparently I don’t know how to leave well enough alone, I’M ADDING A BRAND-NEW PACKAGE TO THE LINEUP! 🤣

💥 HERE’S YOUR FINAL VIP LINEUP! 💥

🥈 NEW! SILVER PACKAGE
20 prepaid massages (30 minutes)
🔥 20% OFF!
Plus complimentary essential oil!

🥇 GOLD PACKAGE
10 prepaid massages (60 or 90 minutes)
🔥 20% OFF!
Plus complimentary essential oil!

💎 PLATINUM PACKAGE
20 prepaid massages (60 or 90 minutes)
🔥 25% OFF!
Plus complimentary steam eye mask!

👑 DIAMOND PACKAGE
30 prepaid massages (60 or 90 minutes)
🔥 30% OFF!
Plus complimentary hand and foot scrub!

AND BEFORE YOU ASK… YES, THE PERKS ARE STILL PERKING!

✅ Packages NEVER expire!

✅ Your discounted rates are LOCKED IN!

✅ Packages are SHAREABLE!

✅ You can purchase up to TWO PACKAGES PER PERSON!

🚨🚨 NOW HERE’S WHERE THINGS GET SERIOUS! 🚨🚨

AT EXACTLY 6:00 PM TODAY, OCTOBER 11th, THIS OFFER EXPIRES, DISAPPEARS, VANISHES INTO THIN AIR, AND GOES AWAY FOREVER!

Not 6:01.

Not tomorrow.

Not next week.

And DEFINITELY not when you remember three days from now and slide into my messages with, “Hey girl, is that VIP deal still available?” 🤣

NO, SUSAN. IT’S DEAD. WE HAD A FUNERAL. YOU MISSED IT. ⚰️😂

📲 WANT TO CLAIM YOUR PACKAGE?

CALL OR TEXT ME DIRECTLY!
541-992-3166

⚠️ PLEASE REMEMBER: I’m working today, so I’ll be responding to calls and messages in between clients!

If I don’t answer right away, I’m not ignoring you. I’m probably elbow-deep in somebody’s shoulder knots trying to undo six months of bad decisions and questionable sleeping positions.

Just make sure you reach out BEFORE 6 PM!

THE VIP PACKAGES ARE RETIRING. I’M NOT.

I’ll still be here kneading out your stress and judging how long you’ve waited to book your next massage.

⏰ 6 PM. TODAY. FINAL SALE. FOREVER MEANS FOREVER!

10/09/2026

🎙️🚨 ATTENTION KNEADING TO UNWIND FAMILY! 🚨🤣

So apparently, massaging people for a living just isn’t enough for me anymore. Now I want to run my mouth professionally, too! 💀😂

That’s right! Your favorite massage therapist, the woman who spends her days helping people relax while operating on absolutely ZERO CAFFEINE and a questionable amount of sarcasm, has officially entered the competition to become iHeartRadio’s NEXT TOP HOST! 🎙️🔥

For years, my clients have been getting two services for the price of one: a massage AND whatever random comedy show happens to come out of my mouth that day. 🤣

Well, now I’m trying to take that entertainment beyond the massage table and straight to the microphone!

And I NEED YOUR HELP! ❤️

🗳️ YOU CAN VOTE FOR ME ONCE EVERY SINGLE DAY!

Yes, EVERY DAY! Not just once and disappear on me like that client who says they’ll book again next week. 👀😂

Whether you’ve been a client for years, purchased a gift certificate, followed my business, or just enjoy my ridiculous Facebook posts, I would absolutely LOVE your support!

👇 CLICK THE LINK BELOW TO VOTE! 👇
https://tophost.org/2026/claudia-dowty

And don’t forget to come back tomorrow and vote again!

You’ve trusted me with your knots, your stress, and your sore muscles. Now I’m asking you to trust me with a microphone. 🎤🤣

Let’s see if we can take this massage therapist from KNEADING TO UNWIND to NEEDING TO BE HEARD! 💅🔥

Thank you all for supporting me, my businesses, and now this crazy new adventure! ❤️

✨Respectfully Petty. Professionally Licensed. And Apparently Ready for Radio.✨

09/30/2026

🚨🚨 SURPRISE FLASH SALE!!! 🚨🚨

Because apparently I looked at the clock today and thought…

You know what sounds reasonable? Giving away $30. 😂

So HERE WE GO.

⏰ STARTING RIGHT NOW
💥 ENDING AT 6 PM SHARP

For the next TWO HOURS ONLY:

🎁 Buy a Massage Gift Certificate (ONLINE) of $100 or more
🔥 Get $30 OFF

YES. A $100 gift certificate is only $70.

And before somebody asks…

YES, YOU CAN BUY AS MANY AS YOU WANT. 😈😂

One for Christmas? Yep.
Three for birthdays? Absolutely.
Six because Future You deserves to have her life together for once? I support this decision. 😂

🔥 PROMO CODE: FLASH30 🔥

HOW TO GET YOUR $30 OFF:

👉 Click the link below:
kneading2unwind.massagetherapy.com

👉 Select your location: Depoe Bay or Newport

👉 Click "BUY GIFT CERTIFICATE" at the top

👉 Select a gift certificate for $100 or more

👉 Enter promo code: FLASH30

👉 Complete your purchase!

🚨 SALE ENDS AT 6 PM TONIGHT.

And I already know what’s coming…

“Claudia, I saw it at 6:07…”

Sorry, better luck next time. 😂💀

TWO HOURS. $30 OFF. NO LIMIT.

GOOOOOOO. 🏃‍♀️💨🔥

09/26/2026

✨ TWO YEARS IN A ROW! ✨

A huge THANK YOU to Central Lincoln PUD for inviting Kneading To Unwind back to your Employee Benefits Fair for the second year in a row! 🥰

There’s something pretty special about being invited once, but being asked to come back again? That means a whole lot to this small business owner. 🖤

I had such a great time spending the day with your employees, handing out our little Unwind goodie bags and, of course, putting that massage chair to WORK. 😂💆‍♀️

Thank you for continuing to include massage and wellness as part of your benefits fair and for giving local businesses like mine the opportunity to connect with your team.

Here’s hoping we get to make it three in a row next year! 🥂✨

09/20/2026

🚨📚 ATTENTION PARENTS: THE CHILDREN HAVE BEEN RETURNED TO THEIR EDUCATIONAL FACILITIES. 📚🚨

I REPEAT:

THE CHILDREN. HAVE. LEFT. THE BUILDING. 🙌

You packed the lunches.
You bought the supplies.
You signed 47 papers.
You found the missing shoe.
You argued about bedtime.
You survived summer break with people who ate ALL DAY despite claiming they “weren’t hungry” when actual meals were served.

And now those precious little tax deductions are somebody else’s problem for approximately 7 HOURS. 🤣🤣🤣

DO NOT WASTE THIS OPPORTUNITY.

🚫 Do not clean the house.
🚫 Do not “catch up on laundry.”
🚫 Do not go home and organize a closet like some kind of lunatic.

BOOK. A. DAMN. MASSAGE. 💆‍♀️😂

Drop those kids off and PEEL OUT OF THAT SCHOOL PARKING LOT.*

Come directly to Kneading To Unwind.

Your neck is tight.
Your shoulders are touching your ears.
Your lower back has filed a formal complaint.
And your last nerve has been hanging on since approximately June 12th.

IT IS TIME. 😂

For 60 or 90 minutes, nobody needs a snack.

Nobody needs help finding something that is DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF THEIR FACE.

Nobody is yelling “MOM!” from three rooms away.

Nobody needs you to sign anything.

And unless somebody is actively on fire…

TURN. THE. PHONE. OFF. 🤣

Come get on my table, get under the blanket and pretend you don’t have responsibilities.

✨ BACK TO SCHOOL ISN’T JUST FOR THE KIDS.

It’s also the beginning of…

💆‍♀️ PARENT REHABILITATION SEASON. 💆‍♀️

Appointments available in Newport & Depoe Bay.

📲 BOOK ONLINE BEFORE THE SCHOOL CALLS AND RUINS EVERYTHING.
kneading2unwind.massagetherapy.com

09/20/2026

🚨 WELL, WELL, WELL… THE VIP ERA IS ABOUT TO GET EVICTED. 😂

I’ve made an executive decision, which is always dangerous when nobody is around to stop me.

My Prepaid VIP Packages will NO LONGER be available year-round. 👀

Going forward, they’re going to pop up periodically throughout the year, stay for a limited time, cause a little financial temptation, and then DISAPPEAR BACK INTO THE VAULT. 🔐😂

And TOMORROW, SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 20TH AT MIDNIGHT is your LAST chance to purchase one for the rest of 2026.

Available for 60- and 90-minute sessions only!

So here’s what’s currently sitting on the chopping block:

🥇 GOLD
10 prepaid sessions • 20% OFF
* complimentary essential oil enhancement with every session

🥈 PLATINUM
20 prepaid sessions • 25% OFF
* complimentary steam eye mask with every session

💎 DIAMOND
30 prepaid sessions • 30% OFF
* complimentary hand & foot exfoliating scrub with every session

And before somebody says,
“But Claudia, 30 massages is a lot…”

Please leave that negativity at the door. 😂

These babies:

✨ NEVER EXPIRE. Take your sweet little time using them.

✨ Are SHAREABLE. Spouse. Family. Friends. Favorite child. Random person you’re trying to impress. I don’t care. 😂

✨ LOCK IN YOUR RATE. If my prices increase later, your package remains blissfully unbothered.

✨ And YES, YOU CAN BUY MORE THAN ONE PACKAGE.

You wanna buy two Golds?

Do it.

Gold AND Platinum?

Who am I to interfere with your dreams?

Want to stockpile massages like the relaxation apocalypse is approaching?

NOW WE’RE THINKING AHEAD.

But at MIDNIGHT TOMORROW, I’m shutting it down.

No VIP packages for the remainder of 2026.

No “I was gonna message you!”

No “I forgot!”

No “Can you just make one tiny exception?”

Because Future Claudia is meaner than Current Claudia, and she has already been instructed to say NO. 💀😂

The packages WILL return for limited promotions in the future, but you won’t know exactly when.

So if you’ve been sitting there saying:

“I’ll get one eventually…”

🚨 CONGRATULATIONS. EVENTUALLY HAS ARRIVED. 🚨

Contact me at [PHONE NUMBER] to purchase or ask questions before the VIP vault slams shut.

⏰ DEADLINE: Sunday, September 20th at MIDNIGHT.

After that…

CLICK.

The vault is closed. 🔐

09/15/2026

🚨🐕‍🦺 K9 FUNDRAISER UPDATE: YES, I’M ALIVE. YES, I STILL HAVE THE MONEY. 😂

I know some of you were probably wondering what happened to the K9 fundraiser because I spent weeks yelling BUY THE CHOCOLATE, HELP THE DOGS and then suddenly disappeared like I entered witness protection. 💀

I promise I did not take the chocolate money and flee to Mexico. 😂

I got BUSY. And apparently finishing a fundraiser involves more than aggressively selling candy bars. There was math. There were receipts. There were numbers that had to number. Then I had to get the cashier’s check and actually find time to get everything over to the Sheriff’s Office.

But WE ARE FINALLY THERE. 🙌🐾

🍫 152 chocolate bars sold

💵 $70 in additional cash donations

🚔🐕‍🦺 TOTAL DONATION: $1,172

ONE THOUSAND ONE HUNDRED SEVENTY-TWO DOLLARS!!!

And because I know somebody somewhere loves fine print: 100% of the NET proceeds from Kneading To Unwind’s fundraiser went to the K9 program. Not “a portion.” Not “some of it.” The whole damn net enchilada. 😂

These funds will help support the new K9 as well as equipment, training, veterinary expenses, and the other things our county K9s need to stay healthy, trained, equipped, and ready to work. 🐕‍🦺💙

To EVERYONE who bought one bar, bought a stack of bars, threw in a cash donation, shared my posts, told somebody else about the fundraiser, or tolerated me turning into an unlicensed chocolate dealer for a while…

THANK YOU. Seriously.

What started with some custom chocolate bars turned into a $1,172 donation, and I’d say our first K9 chocolate fundraiser absolutely understood the assignment. 🔥

Sooooo… apparently we have ourselves an ANNUAL FUNDRAISER now. 😂🍫🐾

I hope to bring this back every year, make it bigger, raise even more, and continue supporting the four-legged officers who serve our community.

And yes, before anyone asks, the handsome four-legged gentleman pictured is Ghost, our retired K9. 🐕‍🦺💙 Because there was absolutely NO WAY I was making a post about supporting our county K9s without letting the retired employee make an appearance.

One bar at a time, we’re helping our four-legged heroes. 🐕‍🦺💙🐾

09/13/2026

🚨 STUDENT ATHLETES… WE NEED TO DISCUSS YOUR POOR LIFE CHOICES. 🚨

So you went to practice.

Ran until your legs stopped believing in you.

Lifted things.

Jumped.

Tackled somebody.

Got tackled BY somebody.

Threw yourself across a court, field, track, mat or whatever other surface your sport has convinced you is appropriate to launch your body onto…

…and now you’re sore???

WELL, WELL, WELL. IF IT ISN’T THE CONSEQUENCES OF YOUR OWN ATHLETICISM.

Well, I have something for that.

🏈⚽️🏀🏐🥎 LOCKER ROOM RECOVERY 🥎🏐🏀⚽️🏈

A 30-minute focused massage session specifically for student athletes dealing with:

💥 Soreness
💥 Tight muscles
💥 Post-practice aches
💥 Overworked legs
💥 Angry shoulders
💥 Hamstrings that have officially submitted their two-week notice
💥 And whatever the hell Coach had y’all doing at practice 😭

It’s FAST.

It’s FOCUSED.

It’s BUDGET-FRIENDLY.

Because I know parents are already paying for uniforms, shoes, equipment, fees, travel, snacks, pictures, fundraisers and approximately 47 other things nobody warned them about when their child said, “I wanna play sports.” 😂💸

Recovery shouldn’t be another financial jump scare.

So instead of watching your athlete hobble around the house complaining that EVERYTHING HURTS while insisting they’re perfectly fine to go destroy themselves again tomorrow…

📲 BOOK. THE. 30. MINUTES.

Parents, consider this preventative maintenance for the extremely expensive human you keep hauling to practices and games. 😂

Athletes, consider this your reminder that recovery is part of training.

You cannot keep treating your body like a rental car and then act shocked when the check-engine light comes on. 😭

🏆 LOCKER ROOM RECOVERY
🎒 Student Athlete Session
⏱️ 30 Minutes
💪 Focused treatment
💰 Budget-friendly

YOU BRING ME THE ATHLETE.

I’LL DEAL WITH WHATEVER COACH DID TO THEM. 😂💀

Now go book before the hamstrings unionize.
👉🏼kneading2unwind.massagetherapy.com

09/12/2026

Grandma’s Banana Bread at Bigfoot's Beach House is supposed to be Banana Bread + coffee. ☕🍌

But apparently my morning routine has terms and conditions. 😂

Since coffee and the stimulant I take for narcolepsy are NOT invited to the same breakfast table unless we’re trying to see what color sounds are… the girls hooked me up with the CHAI version instead. 🤣💀

And listen… THEY DID NOT HAVE TO GO THIS HARD. 👏🏼

So now I’m over here drinking Grandma’s Banana Bread: Chai Edition like the caffeinated-adjacent little princess I apparently am. 👑😂

Coffee said, “You can’t sit with us.”

Chai said, “Get in bitch, we’re having banana bread.” 💅🏼🍌

10/10. No notes. Grandma has been successfully chai-jacked. 😂

SIDE NOTE: ❤️

Thank you to everyone who has checked on me over the last few days. Getting back into the swing of work after coming home from St. Louis has been a little rougher than I expected.

While we were in St. Louis, I ended up dealing with some pretty severe heat exhaustion after being out in 105° heat, and apparently my body decided that vacation recovery required several additional business days. 😑😂

It’s taken me a little longer than I would’ve liked to bounce back, and I did have to miss a couple days of work this week. I sincerely apologize to everyone whose appointments I had to cancel or reschedule. I absolutely hate having to do that.

But I am BACK TO WORK and hopefully getting myself back on track. ❤️

Thank you for the messages, the check-ins, the patience, and for understanding that apparently I am no longer 22 and cannot just survive a trip to St. Louis in 105° weather on audacity and poor decisions. 😂💀

Now… back to regularly scheduled programming, powered by chai and questionable amounts of determination. ☕️🤣

09/07/2026

🇺🇸 HAPPY LABOR DAY TO EVERYONE CURRENTLY HELD TOGETHER BY CAFFEINE, IBUPROFEN, SPITE & DIRECT DEPOSIT

Today we honor the American worker by doing what we do best:

Absolutely too damn much all year long…
then pretending one Monday off is gonna fix it. 💀

So shut the laptop.
Ignore the laundry.
Let the dishes form their own government.
Do not answer that email.
Do not “just knock out one quick thing.”
That is how they get you.

If somebody asks you to do something productive today, look them directly in the eyes and whisper:

“That sounds like labor.”

Then walk away.

And to everyone who still has to work today, may your shift be short, your customers have common sense, your coworkers stay out of your way, and may nobody hit you with the cursed phrase:

“Since you’re already here…”

Because no.
I am already here against my will.
Do not add side quests. 😂

Happy Labor Day, you magnificent workforce casualties. 🇺🇸

May your drinks be cold, your phone stay silent, your pants be optional, and your productivity remain at a medically concerning low.

Today’s agenda:
Eat.
Sit.
Nap.
Repeat.

Anything beyond that requires overtime.

Kneading To Unwind

10/11/2026

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