05/21/2026
DO YOU AND YOUR PARTNER HAVE RELATIONAL SKILLS?
Everybody has dark moments. The question is how do you behave in your dark moments? When you’re upset and not the best version of you, what do you do?
The answer to that question determines whether you have basic relational and connectional skills. (Don’t worry. Most people don’t.)
There’s nothing wrong with feeling angry. But if you yell and scream, throw or destroy things around you, or curse and demean your intimate partner, you are not safe to be around. (This goes double if you do these things in front of your children.) It’s not about what you are *feeling* in those moments. Those are anti-relational behaviors, and it’s the behaviors that matter. Acting out with that kind of aggression toward or around your partner and/or children—regardless of what you say is the reason for it—is antirelational and threatening. Worst of all, it’s going to cost you what you most value, which is your relationship and family.
Same thing with hurt. Everybody feels hurt. But if you tear apart your partner verbally, tell them they’re terrible or that they don’t love you, or that they’re stupid and are never going to be able to give you what you need, or get in their face with angry intensity, you are not a safe person.
Same thing with silence. Couples need to take a break when they’re upset sometimes. But if you freeze your partner out when you’re upset, if you stonewall them, refuse to engage, leave and don’t say if or when you’re coming back, or do silent treatment for days at a time, you are in a relationship, but you do not know how to act relationally. That means the relationship is in big trouble.
If you and your partner both do these things, and either justifies what they do because of what the other does, that also is antirelational. Relationality is first and foremost self-aware and responsibility-taking.
Not all problems in relationships are antirelational. One partner may be irritated that they come home to a messy house everyday while the other stays home with kids. This may be annoying, but does not create an environment of threat or unsafety. One may be upset that the other often comes home late for dinner without calling. This is annoying, but it doesn’t create an environment of anxiety and fear.
Safety issues first. If he’s creating an unsafe environment with his behavior, he’s the one we start with. If she’s creating an unsafe environment, it’s going to be her. What we don’t do is pretend that it’s 50/50, and that the partner who’s frustrated because the other one never remembers to pick up milk on the way home, and spends too much money, is in the same boat as the partner who routinely gets screamed at and humiliated.
