09/07/2026
Building a Bigger Table...
I've been thinking a lot lately about something that has honestly been painful for me as a woman business owner. Some of the hardest professional experiences I've had have been with other women. These experiences have often been with women I have supported, promoted, mentored, taught, and trusted. And when things have gone badly, I've noticed something that fascinates me as a psychologist: the disagreement often stops being about the actual disagreement.
A boundary becomes "controlling." Accountability becomes "toxic." A financial decision becomes "greedy." A woman exercising authority becomes "unkind." Suddenly, we're not debating a decision anymore. We're debating someone’s character.
There is actually a lot of psychology underneath this. Women have historically had limited access to power, status, money, and leadership. Competition doesn't disappear under those conditions. Sometimes it becomes relational: alliances, exclusion, reputation, gossip, moral judgment.
Then add the impossible expectations we still place on female leaders. Be strong, but nurturing. Be successful, but self-sacrificing. Be confident, but never intimidating. Make difficult decisions, but make sure everyone still likes you.
In the mental health world, there is another layer. We are a profession full of helpers and wounded healers. We know psychological language, which can be beautiful, and can also be weaponized. Sometimes "I don't like the boundary she set" becomes "she isn't safe." Sometimes "I disagree with her" becomes "she's toxic." Sometimes ordinary human conflict gets dressed up in clinical language.
Yes, sometimes women genuinely behave badly. Including women leaders and including me. I have made mistakes. I have gotten things wrong. I have had to look at my own shadow many, many times.
But I am also learning that being a compassionate woman does not require endless accommodation. Generosity is not the same as overfunctioning. Supporting someone is not the same as rescuing them. And leadership does not require everyone to understand or approve of every decision I make.
The piece I am trying very hard not to lose is this: I don't want painful experiences with women to make me distrust women. Because then the wound wins. I want women to be able to look at another woman's success, confidence, wealth, boundaries, intelligence, leadership, and power and not experience it as a referendum on their own worth. There is room for all of us. I don't need you to shrink for me to expand. And I am finally learning that I don't need to shrink to make anyone else comfortable either.
Women supporting women doesn't mean always agreeing. It means we can disagree without destroying each other. We can hold each other accountable without demonizing each other. We can compete without dehumanizing each other. And when it feels like there aren't enough seats at the table? Maybe we stop fighting over the chair and build a bigger table.
