Sheffa Ariens, MFT

10/10/2022

I have fallen into a pattern and mistaken it for my identity. I will now step outside of it. (rainbowbrainskull.com)

07/29/2021

Last week was spent posting about the impact of adult relationships on children and young people and I ended with a post on how to have healthy conflict in relationships. This week I'm going to build on that theme by exploring a concept called 'rupture and repair'.

Ruptures are a normal and natural part of being in relationship with others. They happen with our partners, our children, our friends, pretty much with everybody that is important to us. A rupture in relationship is what happens when we perceive the other person as not being exactly perfectly what we want or need in a particular moment. Ruptures can be very small, like a friend turning up 5 minutes late, or very big, like a huge argument or fight.

There is nothing wrong with ruptures in relationship. They are inevitable since no one can actually ever be perfectly exactly what we want or need all the time. Ruptures only become problematic when they are not well repaired. Poorly repaired ruptures lead to cracks that eventually cause relationships to fall apart or to become unhealthy. Well repaired ruptures on the other hand lead to relationships that become stronger and more secure over time.

So, this week I will be focusing on the importance of the rupture and repair cycle in relationships, what this looks like with children, why it is critical for secure attachment, as well as how to repair with adults.

Credit to the ever-brilliant Lindsay Braman - Therapist & Psychoeducator for this image.

11/10/2020

It might be tempting to put this decision off until the last minute, but there are lots of good reasons not to go, and you shouldn't feel guilty.

11/09/2020

This came out several months ago, and I keep coming back to it. This list is incredibly useful, and it normalizes people's natural needs to locate safety when distressed. Click both links below for more info.

https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/routes-of-safety-model -are-the-Routes-of-Safety,-and-how-can-they-aid-relationships?

https://www.instagram.com/p/B-LVMDUDp6U/

"For those who have experienced trauma or other painful experiences in their life, safety with others is one of the keys to feeling more human.

However, these experiences can often make it difficult to communicate with our loved ones, which can make it difficult to feel safe in the first place.

So how can we reconnect and establish that sense of security?

One way is through the Routes of Safety model. It’s a tool created by Jake Ernst, MSW, RSW, a Toronto-based psychotherapist. It’s a polyvagal-based model, meaning it addresses the state of our nervous system as a key part of our mental health.

In acknowledging safety as an essential part of intimacy, and in examining how our environment affects our sense of safety, Ernst believes we can deepen our connections with others.

He created the Routes of Safety model to help others understand how we get to and access safety."

09/30/2020

I agree with what Soldz has to say, personally and professionally.

Trump supporters live in a "total alternative world in which people can maintain their illusions," Soldz told Salon.

08/24/2020

Can mono/poly relationships work? From the Multiamory podcast.

“I definitely think going into a relationship with someone who's already established as polyamorous is a lot easier than having a monogamous relationship that's opening up for the first time. That's having to end an existing relationship the way it was and start a brand new one. When you're starting a new relationship with someone new, you're inventing it together, but when you're changing an existing one. I think it's just a lot trickier. The thing about non-monogamy it forces you to do the self-work, it forces you. You don’t have to do it in a monogamous relationship because you don't have to deal with jealousy maybe so much. Jealousy I say is a mask that's worn by insecurity and fear. Jealousy by itself isn't a thing, it's the way you're reacting to fear and insecurity. Having to dig into those things- that's the part that you have to do that's uncomfortable. If you're just trying to grit your teeth and get through it, you're not doing the work to understand it and overcome it, you're just trying to get through it. Like, "I'm just going to hold my breath and hope that when I come up for air the air is going to be sweet," but the air is going to be the same. You have to learn how to adapt and that's really difficult to do.”

It's a questions we've gotten since starting the podcast -- can mono/poly relationships work?

08/11/2020

"When it comes to regulating difficult emotions, there are two ways most people respond: they act out, or they suppress. If you act out with a strong emotion like anger, you will most likely create undesirable consequences in your relationships, your work, and even your play. The ripple effects of acting out usually provoke more anger around you, which leads to more difficulty. The consequences of suppressing those big emotions can be even more dangerous.

What many people aren’t aware of is that there’s another way to regulate our emotions: Feel the feeling in real time."

A key element of emotional intelligence is the way you regulate your difficult emotions—But not all emotional regulation techniques are created equal.

08/09/2020

Communication, communication, communication.

08/05/2020

❤

Hear psychotherapist and author Francis Weller, MFT discuss the communal nature of grief, the expressive virtue of anger, false happiness, and the two hands ...