09/11/2026
25 years ago, our children too absorbed catastrophe.
Yes, children learn what is dangerous through experience, but they also enormously learn by watching us.
A toddler falls and immediately looks at Mom's face.
Was that scary? Am I okay?
As a mental health provider, we call this social referencing.
On 9-11, our children watched the adults become afraid.
Nobody had to tell them what changed. They watched our behavior.
We often tell anxious children: Don't catastrophize. Most situations are safe. You can't control everything.
But when the anxious brain gets devastating evidence it argues: “See? I told you so.”
And technically, it's right. Something terrible can happen.
Which is why treating anxiety isn't about convincing children that nothing bad will happen. It's teaching them they can live fully even though we cannot promise that it won't.
That is uncertainty tolerance.
Today, as we remember the lives lost and those who ran toward danger to help, I'm also thinking about the children who watched. And the children watching us now.
Perhaps the greatest gift we can give an anxious child isn't: “Nothing bad is going to happen.”
But rather: “I can't promise you that. But I believe you can handle hard things without being afraid to live your life.”
