06/14/2026
Repair. A word I use in my work with couples frequently. Many people would name that as apologizing. Yet saying you are sorry doesn't always take care of the problem. Some people struggle with saying they are sorry because it leaves them feeling guilty or ashamed or fearful their partner will leave them if they admit wrong doing. Others will give a fake apology -"I'm sorry you feel that way". This often has a dual purpose of doing the apology while still maintaining their sense of having done nothing wrong. Other's go into a collapse where they say something demeaning about themselves, " Awww I'm just an idiot..." almost believing that if they call themselves names it shows that they are being sincere. For most, they've entered a shame spiral and can't muster anything that verbally acknowledges their partner's hurt or felt experience. The biggest issue I find in my couples work is that many people apologize but then continue to do the bad thing repeatedly. They look to the intention of doing better as the necessary change. But, the idea of intention versus impact as the idea why their partner should forgive them. The only thing that counts, at the end of the day, is the change in behavior. The apology is the intention to change but is not the behavior that allows a partner to forgive. The changed behavior is what let's a person know that my partner cares about my experience and wellbeing.
Trust. We all know it as the essential glue that keeps relationships relating and workplaces working. We all sense when it's not there. And when trust breaks down, it can be tough to figure out how to make things right or to know where to start.
Trust is a layered concept involving nuance, accountability, and emotional skill, but rather than trying to tackle all aspects at once, it can often be helpful to keep things simple. That's why I wanted to share this handy visual with you. I use this model any time I need to help myself and others understand how trust has been broken, and more importantly, how we can move forward with the crucial process of repair.
In her 2009 article, “Trust Repair After an Organization-Level Failure (co-authored with Graham Dietz), Nicole Gillespie discusses the three components of trust: ability, benevolence, and integrity,. For more on this topic, you can take a look at Nicole Gillespie’s fantastic work:
-Gillespie, N. & Dietz, G. (2009). Trust repair after an organization-level failure. Academy of Management Review, 34 (1), 127-145.
- Gillespie, N., Dietz, G. & Lockey, S. (2014) Organizational Reintegration and Trust Repair after an Integrity Violation: A Case Study. Business Ethics Quarterly, 24 (3), 371-410.
- Bachmann, R., Gillespie, N. & Priem, R. (2015). Repairing Trust in Organizations and Institutions: Toward a Conceptual Framework. Organization Studies, 36 (9), 1123-1142.
