Wholly Redefined Counseling & Therapy, PLLC

07/31/2026

This is one of the most powerful tools I have learned, from the one and only Dr. Nicole LePara. One of the most powerful things we can do, in between our bodily sensations, the emotions associated with them, and the thoughts and stories that follow, is to just create some space. Some separation. A few seconds for a few deep breaths.

A great reminder today of "the 90-Second Rule":

"When we're angry, sad, or anxiety starts creeping on us, our first instinct is usually to distract ourselves. We do it by scrolling through our phones, lashing out at the people we love, or shutting down completely.

And I used to do the same thing, until I learned the 90-second rule...

And before I tell you how it works, I want you to know something:

The intense physical feeling you're experiencing only lasts about 90 seconds (just a minute and a half)

So if you are still feeling angry, sad or anxious hours or days later, it's not the initial emotion anymore. It is the story your mind is telling you about the emotion. It's your ego spinning a narrative to keep the feeling alive.

We all do this, and there's a way to get out of this cycle without scrolling through your phone, lashing out at your loved ones or even shutting down.

Here's what I want you to do:

1. The next time you feel triggered, before reacting, set a 90-second timer and do this:

2. Don't judge the feeling. Don't create a story about whose fault it is. Just sit with the physical sensation in your body. Notice your heart rate. Notice the tightness in your chest. Breathe through it...

If you can stay with the feeling for 90 seconds without reacting, you take your power back.

And once you're able to do that...

You'll be surprised how quickly you stop feeling like a prisoner to your emotions."

07/29/2026

If your child is struggling, one of the best things you can do for them is your own therapy.

The best gift you can give a dysregulated child is a regulated parent.

The fact that your child is struggling does not mean you're a bad person or a bad parent.

I think sometimes parents avoid going to therapy because they're afraid they'll be blamed and shamed. "I've done everything I know to do, and it's still not enough. They clearly need someone other than me." The sense of powerlessness, helplessness, and, let's be honest, utter exhaustion, can be overwhelming.

But at the end of the day, your child needs YOU. They need you as your BEST you. No one on earth can replace you in their lives. By investing in yourself, you are investing in your child, the health of your entire extended family, and the generations to come after.

07/27/2026

So tired of these clickbait articles warning that therapists are telling people to cut ties with their families.
Lamenting that therapists are causing family breakdown and rupture.
It is fearmongering, and I'm concerned that if enough people believe this, it might prevent them from getting the support they need.

Not saying bad therapists aren't out there—there are unfortunately unethical and/or incompetent people in every profession, which frighteningly enough includes therapy—but I can’t name a single therapist in my circle who would TELL someone to completely cut ties with their family.

They might invite them to awareness of abuse or neglect.
They might encourage them in boundaries and assertive communication.
They might support them in considering the various choices they could make to protect themselves—including, but not limited to, taking a break from certain loved ones or minimizing contact for a while as they heal.
This "break" or minimization of contact might not even have anything to do with the loved ones themselves; it might have everything to do with the person in therapy, as they figure out who they are apart from their family. As they work out their true identity versus the role they have played their whole life.

Any therapist who is family systems-informed knows that sudden relational cutoff is no more desirable than codependency or enmeshment. There's no judgment for either of these states of being, but they are signals that there is a great deal of work to be done before someone can be at what we call a healthy level of differentiation—which, in everyday language, simply means being able to stay in loving relationship with others while being true and loving to oneself at the same time.

While there are certainly people we may need to keep from being in relationships with at all (such as malignant narcissists, sociopaths, or psychopaths), with most people, we can remain in some level of connection while still being true and loving to ourselves. That connection may be different than before, which may FEEL like rejection or alienation to some.
But the goal of any good therapy is ultimately to cultivate as much healthy connection and love as possible.
Not to sever it.

07/24/2026

Ministry leaders, pastors, and anyone who ever teaches groups about sexual morality or purity:

Please stop addressing this topic without addressing sexual assault and coercive control.

Please do not leave it at "Sexual purity is important to God and healthy for you, so guard your heart and protect your boundaries" while not addressing the fact that if you are speaking to a mixed group of men and women, odds are that at least 40% of the room has experienced a physical violation of their sexual boundaries.

Not to mention the 40%+ of the room who has experienced verbal sexual harassment.

Not to mention the many more in the room who have experienced coercion, manipulation, confusion, and control in a romantic relationship (sometimes even in the name of God), which led to their boundaries being eroded and trampled upon.

If you just leave it at "guarding your purity," around half the room will be left wondering, "Am I forever impure? Is it too late to guard my purity? Will God be forever displeased with me? Am I damaged goods?"

I believe the last thing you want to do is contribute to guilt and shame. I believe your heart is to help people thrive in healthy, mutually loving and respectful relationships, living the abundant lives God wants for them.

But for too many people in the room (both men and women), they're already thinking it's too late. And they may be terribly confused about what was their responsibility and what wasn't. They may be carrying shame that isn't really theirs to carry. For about half the room, at some point their boundaries weren't respected and their hearts weren't protected.

This is not a tiny minority. This is part of the lives of around half the pairs of eyes staring back at you, if not all in some way and to a certain extent.

We all need to know God as the advocate of the woman caught in adultery, not the advocate of the Pharisees who wanted to stone her.

07/23/2026

Free Yoga Nidra by Jamille Perryman happening this Saturday at 2pm in Arlington!

https://www.unityofarlington.org/yoga-nidra-meditation

07/21/2026

07/20/2026

Many of us come to therapy to learn how to love.

Oh, that may not be what we call it. At first.

It might start out as not understanding why we keep replaying the same conversations over and over.
It may start out as not understanding why we keep ending up in romantic relationships that seem so promising, only to end painfully.

The thing is, the more you are able to truly love, the richer your life will be.

For many of us, the relational blueprints we have are insufficient to meet the current demands of our lives. We're lonely, and we don't know why. Or, we seem to be constantly caught up in drama, and we don't know why. Our relational blueprints may say that in order to remain close to people, we have to lose ourselves. Or they may say that we will only hurt people if we let them in, so we push them away.

In therapy, what we often learn is how to keep people in our lives, without either cutting them off OR losing ourselves. We learn how to receive what love they are able to give, while not resenting what they are unable or unwilling to give.

We learn how to be in touch with, and communicate, our own needs.
We learn how to adjust the intimacy of a relationship accordingly if our needs are continually not cared for.
We learn how to honor the freedom of others while honoring our own freedom as well.

07/13/2026

God says, "You are my beloved. Now go and do."

The enemy says, "IF you are God's beloved, prove it by going and doing." Or, sometimes he says, "You will not be his beloved UNTIL you go and do."

One way to know if you are living in the Kingdom and experiencing its fruit is if what you are currently doing is flowing out of your identity as a Beloved, Wanted Son or Daughter.

God always starts with an identity of chosenness, of wantedness, of sonship. Action naturally flows from it.

The enemy starts with lack...with striving, proving, attaining. Identity is something to be earned (maybe, one day, IF you're good enough...), not who you simply are.

The Kingdom of Heaven is rest, fun, creativity, and flow. It is not a frantic hamster wheel.

07/10/2026

I'm really appreciating this "Family Roles" blog series from The Journey and the Process. Much of our healing in therapy often stems from learning how to notice, understand, and intentionally step out of the role we took in childhood when it is no longer working for us. Here are some quotes from the most recent one on "The Lost Child."

"The Lost Child can be mistaken for an independent, introverted, mature, easy, private, or quiet child. They’re not these things because they’re healthy, they’re this way because nobody came."

"The Lost Child is formed when there is simply no room left for them. Whether there is addiction, chronic conflict, mental illness, emotionally immature parents, high-need siblings, big families, or overwhelmed caregivers, the Lost Child learns that nobody is going to intentionally choose them."

Read More:

Quiet, easy, forgettable. Tthe lost child family role hides real pain behind independence. Discover what it costs and what healing actually looks like.