08/07/2026
A great read.
Iāve noticed something.
The moment someoneās struggle becomes difficult for other people, their compassion often disappears.
And nowhere do I see that more than in the way people talk about disabled children with behaviours that challenge them.
I received a comment this week that said a child āhaving a hard timeā is not an excuse for unsafe behaviour.
I want to address it because this isnāt just one personās opinion. Itās a belief many families raising children with significant disabilities come up against again and again.
So let me be really clear on two things:
1. This isnāt about one person. Iāve removed their identifying details because this isnāt going to be a pile-on. Iām sharing it because this way of thinking is common, and itās harmful. Iād rather address the belief than the individual.
2. Nobody is saying unsafe behaviour is okay.
Nobody is saying children shouldnāt have boundaries.
Nobody is saying people shouldnāt be safe.
That isnāt the conversation.
The conversation is about recognising that not every child has the same capacity to communicate, regulate, understand, or cope.
Some children can tell you theyāre overwhelmed.
Some canāt.
Some children can stop, think, and choose a different response.
Others canāt - not yet, or not without significant support.
When a childās only way of saying, āIām scared,ā āIām overwhelmed,ā āIām confused,ā or āI donāt understand,ā is through their behaviour, our job isnāt to ask, āHow do we punish this?ā
Itās to ask, āWhat is this child trying to tell us, and how do we help them?ā
Understanding behaviour is not the same as excusing behaviour.
Itās where good support begins.
Because you cannot teach a skill if you donāt first understand whatās getting in the way of it.
And hereās the part I wish more people understood: parents like me donāt need to be lectured about safety.
We live it.
Every single day.
We are constantly thinking ahead, reducing risks, changing environments, teaching skills, watching for triggers, protecting our child, protecting other people, and trying to prevent situations from escalating.
We know what is at stake.
Probably more than most.
What we are asking for isnāt lower expectations.
Weāre asking for deeper understanding.
Because understanding isnāt the reward a child earns after theyāve behaved well enough. Itās the starting point for helping them behave differently.
Because children cannot use skills they do not yet have.
They cannot communicate in ways that are beyond their current ability.
They cannot learn if we only focus on correcting the behaviour while ignoring the reason itās happening.
Compassion is not the opposite of accountability.
In fact, real accountability starts with understanding what a child is actually capable of, teaching the skills they donāt yet have, and supporting them to succeed.
Our children deserve boundaries.
And safety.
And support.
And they deserve to be seen as human beings before they are judged by their hardest moments.
If your first instinct when a struggling disabled child behaves in a way that challenges you is to ask, āHow do we stop this behaviour?ā before asking, āWhy is it happening?ā then weāre starting in the wrong place.
Because children donāt do better when theyāre misunderstood.
They don't.
They do better when they can.
Our job is to help them get to ācan.ā
š Christine x
