Melissa Parks Therapy and Coaching

07/30/2024

When you don’t expect immediate responses but your good friend comes in clutch with the reassurance 😌

How many of you wrestle on the inside when you don’t get a response right away over text?

Do you have strategies to manage what happens for you on the inside?

How do you feel about texting as communication these days?

07/24/2024

Nervous system states and characteristics- an exercise to promote self exploration and curiosity.

There is a lot out there about the polyvagal theory- including criticisms of the theory and the science. It’s been a pretty huge part of my somatic experiencing education as well as my EFT education. I like to use it as a tool for befriending the inner world. If it’s not your jam feel free to scroll past.

Let’s say for this exercise, the 3 states of our autonomic nervous system have colors:

💚 Green- for the state of safety- calm, open, playful, connected, curious.

❤️ Red- for the state of sympathetic mobilization- sense of danger, a drive to bring action, fast, push back, anxiety, fight, anger

💙 Blue- for the state of dorsal immobilization- sense of threat, shut down, zoned out, slow, sad, checked out, disconnected

If you were to draw a graph of how much of each of these colors is present in your right-now experience what would it look like?

What about when you are rushing to get out of the house? Or when you have the Sunday scaries?
What about when you are with a beloved friend? Draw them out like the graph above and reflect and discuss with the ones that matter most!

07/16/2024

This pic is of my youngest daughter wearing her “Love Like Alissa” t-shirt. It is a reminder of the start of my pull-back from social media. My oldest daughter experienced the tragic loss of her precious best friend and volleyball mate. I plan on sharing some here of how we are navigating that loss- throwing in some insights about kids and grief. As a trauma therapist, I do the daily work of being with those that have endured more than most. I wasn’t prepared for it to happen at home. With my kids. But I suppose that is a hallmark of trauma- the unexpected and the out of control.

I also want to share the social page for Alissa that my friend Michelle, her mother has created in Alissa’s honor. She is devoted to spreading awareness and love in the aftermath of heartbreak. Michelle is an advocate for those struggling with darkness, fears, and pressures of this life. Give a follow

So I guess this is me fumbling my way back here to social media and figuring out how to be relevant to all those in this great community. I’m really glad you’re still here❤️

03/06/2024

Want to increase your emotional IQ? Then let’s talk emotional granularity.
(& please refer to my last couple of posts on the view of constructed emotion)

Emotional granularity is the ability to make distinctions of emotions in a precise & context-specific manner per Lisa Feldman Barrett. For example, distinguishing feeling angry from other feelings such as afraid, exhausted, or lonely (vs just feeling “bad”).
Those with high emotional granularity have several emotion constructs.
Having lots of different emotion constructs can lead one to label their feelings more accurately & cope accordingly- perhaps with less distress.

So let’s discuss.. I think about labeling my feelings with more accuracy, & how this might enhance my relationships, & my ability to be seen, & understood. Also, makes me think about understanding myself- being able to rely on self validation, along with knowing what I need to cope-which increases confidence. Not only that but I learn to respond more flexibly to life’s issues. Sounds good, right?

So maybe you don’t have high granularity- you don’t have a lot of emotion constructs- what do you do? Think about it like increasing your vocabulary. Dr. Feldman Barrett says, “One of the greatest ways to learn new concepts is by learning new words.” When we learn more words we can create a more rich, layered story…one that others can resonate & engage with.

The science of construction goes like this: Words seed your concepts, concepts drive your predictions, predictions regulate your body budget & your body budget determines how you feel.

Get yourself a feelings wheel & expose yourself to the different feeling words. Or maybe evoke new emotional experiences. Try a new food, watch a new movie- do things outside of our comfort zone. Trying to gain new perspectives is just like trying on new clothes. And when you do this, you are changing your conceptual system proactively so that your brain can predict differently in the future.

Resource- Lisa Feldman Barrett’s book How Emotions are Made.

03/02/2024

Constructed view of emotion and couples…

Continuing on the path from my last 2 posts around the constructed view of emotion and Lisa Feldman Barrett’s work, let’s unpack the cycle of disconnection.

Using the theory of constructed emotion we can see how, the predictions that our brain (unconsciously) makes around our partner construct our feelings of mistrust & hurt and, left unchecked, lead us to behave in ways that fuel Their brain’s negative predictions of us. This is the negative cycle! You know those fights that we have over and over again? The more partner A questions, the more partner B dismisses, and then the more partner A pokes and then partner B rationalizes, and then partner A criticizes and partner B gets defensive and so on and so on.

We are co-creators of this pattern of disconnection. There is behavior at the surface (the questioning, dismissing, poking, rationalizing, criticizing, etc) but underneath, there is more. Every given moment our brains, taking in our sensations and the outer experience (such as cues from my partner’s facial expressions, voice tone, or other contextual information) make predictions & emotional constructs of hurt & mistrust.

And it’s not JUST about our partner! When we have a long list of attachment injuries from exes and from our parents, those predictions of mistrust and emotional constructs can be STRONG.

EFT (emotionally focused therapy) in a nutshell, aims to help clients, through experiential, affiliative sharing, create emotional experiences that lead the brain to unconsciously predict one another in secure, safe-enough ways.

What kind of predictions do you suspect your brain to be unconsciously making around your partner when you’re…rushing to get out of the house?
What about when you are trying to make a plan for vacation?
At bedtime?
During a discussion about money?
Around the time they hurt you so deeply?
When you’re sick?

Do tell!!

03/01/2024

Let’s talk grief and trauma processing alongside the work of Lisa Feldman Barrett. (See my previous post & know that I plan on doing a few posts about her most important work).

Our brain operates by prediction.
It’s a prediction machine! The predictions come from the things we’ve learned through experience- & how we’ve made sense of our inner sensations & outer awareness through concepts…Concepts molded by culture & relationships, & wired in, moment by moment as we construct our emotions.

Taking the experiences-piece in mind…many of us have had experiences that contribute to predictions of (& more than a healthy dose) fear, anxiety, or other uncomfy emotions.
And when we take in the science around how the brain uses prediction whilst constructing emotional experience we can feel EMPOWERED!

Why? The theory of constructed emotion lends us to agency. Agency is the opposite of trauma.

A good place to start with this theory is acknowledging, grieving & processing the experiences that have created really rigid emotional concepts.

For example, & one related to attachment trauma—having the inner sense to go toward my caregiver for reassurance but regularly being met with a response to “just don’t worry” in one way or another, led to a set of concepts & predictions around using relationships to cope- that it doesn’t work or that it’s not necessary.
Leaning in to seeing this in ourselves & then feeling into it (maybe even in therapy using a model like ) is a wonderful way to begin the process of agency in this area.

02/27/2024

I’ve been away & I’ll post on that soon but today is about learning something new. Boy have I been learning. Many of my past teachings have been in line with theories that I’ve only recently uncovered as, outdated & well, wrong. One of those, is the triune brain model. It is in line with a classical view of emotion that emphasizes how parts of the brain have different function. You’ve heard of it— the “reptilian brain” & the “limbic brain” & the “rational brain”. How, feelings can be “triggered” in our reptilian brain & can override the rational part of our brain. It kinda feels good to take that in bc it validates the experience that we have when we feel out of control. The classical view of emotion says we are hardwired with specific emotions & they can be triggered, like reflexes by external events.

Then Lisa Feldman Barrett comes along & rocks my world with science & evidence.

Emotions are NOT triggered in us & WE are not a passive receiver of sensory input, but an active constructor of our emotions👀
An emotion is your brain’s creation of what your bodily sensations mean in relation to what’s going on around you in the world. Your brain uses past experience, organized as concepts, to guide your actions & give your sensations meaning.

A little break down from her work… our brain experiences the body is a source of sensory input. The sensations have no meaning without our Concepts. Example, at the dinner table & we sense into a stomach ache, we may conceptualize that we are hungry. If flu season is around the corner, we may experience that ache as nausea.

And then consider the same ache but in a doctor’s office waiting for an important test result, we may feel anxious. Or when we have the ache & we talk to our partner whom we miss, we may feel longing. These are examples of Emotion Concepts, active in your brain. Your brain making meaning from the ache, together with the sensations from the world around you by constructing an instance of that concept. The emotion of anxiety or longing.
This has been impactful for me as a therapist and human! I plan on sharing more so let’s go!

11/10/2023

I often suggest the movie Inside Out to my clients as a way to introduce the concept of parts work- I’m SO excited for this! Who is with me 🖐️ 🎉

Pixar's "Inside Out 2," the sequel to 2015's "Inside Out," has released a trailer.

11/05/2023

Conflicts around in-laws commonly play out in my therapy office. In fact, it’s a top 5 issue in Of the many reasons why in-law issues are hard- 1 may be that they press in on the bruise that is your unresolved issues with your parents. Often from the same generation, they are taken in as authority figures. Implicitly or explicitly, they may demand respect & expect to control aspects of your life.

Imagine being unable to express the impact of the things your parents did that caused you pain. Not having the space to figure out how that feels… the freedom to share it… the validation when you try…AND then thinking that you can calmly, freely speak to your in-laws about how their behavior hurts (more than likely without support from your partner bc they, too haven’t been able to do any of the above!!). Seemingly impossible!

Add to that the history that your in-laws have with their own family of origin dysfunction and that, most likely they aren’t doing much personal reflection/ownership.

This is the definition of needing therapy for the people in your life that aren’t getting therapy!

Parents take the lead on creating safety in relationships—Even in adult relationships. (Certainly there ought to be reciprocity in our adult relationships.) But it starts with the parents. And in-laws. And when they don’t lead with this, it’s tricky.

Attempting to understand them (& our own inner defenses) is nice but it’s only the tip of the iceberg. At the root of the conflict is the relationship with your partner. How together, despite what your in-laws do, you must both slow down &— pass over your distress in a clear, vulnerable way Believing they will help you with it—-and on the other side Believing your partner’s distress, responding not to fix or have them justify it but responding with comfort.

If you’re brave, share your questions and concerns about in-law issues! I know this is a 🔥 topic!

10/28/2023

Taking my trauma informed clinical skills and mixing them up with a little sports psychology this season! It was SO fun and a complete pleasure to spend some time with these amazing young women

I grew up as an athlete and continue to put good use to all that I learned from those years (we certainly won’t discount the fact that many may also hold painful experiences with them from being within the world of sports). Incorporating ways to help athletes prioritize their mental fitness reaps benefits for both the team and the individual! I’m a huge advocate for this.

Things that I want my athletes to know and experience as patterns in their life on and off the court/field/etc include:
✔️How to fail well
✔️How to trust others
✔️How to manage all forms of stress (including learning your body cues and incorporating embodiment)
✔️How to have a growth mindset
✔️How to practice self compassion
✔️How to enjoy yourself doing the thing you love

These and many, many more translate to performance as well as a sense of total wellbeing!

When you think back on your years as an athlete, how did they impact you?

🔑

10/26/2023

Oh Dr. Huberman! These podcasts are amazeballs but boy are they lengthy. So many nuggets and gems within the 2 hours. Let’s pull out just one or two from the one featuring Dr Lisa Feldman Barrett. They discuss Affect. She talks about depression as a metabolic disorder and describes the brain as THE command center for the body’s budgeting system (allostatsis). Affect is tied to the state of our body budget. If things are going generally well, we feel good and maybe even pleasant. When we are running a deficit with the budget, we will feel fatigued or stressed and not okay (note that this doesn’t always mean things are bad in the world, as in we are working really hard doing yard work and we FEEL exhausted but then we go inside and rest and get water and we are better).

The brains most important job is NOT rationality or emotion or thinking— it’s managing allostatis for the body and predicting energy needs before they arise to survive!!

Some of the most powerful yet seemingly basic ways to make a deposit into our system is to get good sleep, eat real food, move the body, expose yourself to sunlight, and be amongst safe others for connection. When we have the opposite, these things would be considered a tax on the system. (Depression is like a bankrupt state!). Consider these things before you go down rabbit holes of rationalizing or trying to change your thoughts as it relates to your difficulties.

Highly recommend listening to the podcast. She is brilliant and I personally have ordered her book for more! (Btw you can increase playback speed to shorten the time as long as you can keep up!)

**note that I’m not, nor is she, saying that you are at fault for your depressive state when you fail to do these things.

10/18/2023

Other important notes: it’s important that I don’t judge HOW my partner experiences the disconnection rather I BELIEVE their fear when it’s expressed. I need to learn how to tolerate the fear inside of me and also Create a safe space on the outside of me for it to be expressed AND my partner needs to share their experience Clearly and with enough vulnerability. And vice versa.

***I am not judging this couple on the show. The producers curate these interactions and it’s impossible to get a true sense of their dynamic/intentions/fear/longings. What we see is a fraction of their relationship.

If you want more love is blind tidbits be sure to follow over on IG, as I often share in my stories.