Melissa McManis, LCSW, Inc

08/13/2024

https://melissamcmanis.com/what-does-it-mean-to-be-inspired/

Discover what it means to be inspired. Explore erotic inspiration and its impact on creativity, relationships, and personal well-being.

06/24/2024

I am in process of filling this upcoming group! Contact me for more details!

04/10/2024

Just wanted to express my gratitude for Jennifer Kim and her husband for Ethera Collective which has helped me grow my practice in Irvine, CA and has been a wonderful place for training, networking, and consulting.

09/19/2023

In both my personal and professional experiences, I’ve often observed a prevalent negativity surrounding individuals with avoidant tendencies. It’s understandable at a superficial level, as some of their behaviors, like ghosting or stonewalling, can undoubtedly have a negative impact on others. These actions often trigger reactions from those with secure or anxious attachment styles. It’s important to recognize that avoidant attachment is a form of insecure attachment, originally conceptualized by attachment specialist John Bowlby during his studies on young children’s attachment to their mothers. Healthy attachment patterns are generally considered secure, and the good news is that attachment style is not set in stone. Additionally, avoidant attachment exists on a spectrum, with some individuals exhibiting these behaviors more prominently than others.

Avoidantly attached individuals often require significant amounts of alone time, tend to withdraw when asked about their feelings in-depth, and can emotionally shut down when they feel overwhelmed or triggered by their partner. Dr. Sue Johnson, in her extensive work on attachment theory and adult relationships, argues against therapists recommending immediate conflict resolution or problem-solving during relationship conflicts. She believes the first step should be acknowledging that a childhood attachment trigger is occurring.

In his book “Attached,” Amir Levine argues that avoidant attachment primarily impacts the dating world, with over half of individuals in the online dating scene exhibiting avoidant attachment styles. This prevalence is often why many struggle to find a committed partner within this dating sphere. Avoidant-attachers typically have shorter-term relationships and find themselves single more often than their secure and anxious counterparts. Their challenges with expressing their feelings and vulnerability can make them more prone to infidelity, often leading to their behavior being labeled as toxic by those in the secure and anxious attachment community and the broader mental health field.

However, there seems to be less empathy extended to avoidant-attachers. In my opinion, it’s crucial to consider what’s happening within these individuals when they exhibit avoidant attachment behavior. From a nervous system and trauma perspective, individuals engaging in these behaviors are often shutting down because their nervous systems are overwhelmed, and they feel emotionally unsafe. This heightened state may lead them to flee or freeze emotionally, as they may perceive others as demanding them to express feelings when they’re unsure how to do so in that moment.

Frequently, they just need space to allow their nervous systems to calm down so they can reconnect with themselves before attempting to reconnect with others. The freeze response, one of the oldest survival mechanisms in our fight-flight-freeze response system, often signals a preparation for death. Therefore, individuals with extreme avoidant tendencies may find it exceptionally challenging to trust and connect with others, perceiving many situations as emotionally dangerous.

When they pull away, it may not be an attempt to hurt others, but rather a strategy to manage their heightened state of emotional arousal. Viewing it through this lens, it becomes evident that they are the ones who need our empathy the most. By fostering understanding and empathy, we can create a more compassionate and supportive environment for individuals with avoidant attachment styles.

–Melissa McManis, LCSW

09/10/2023

As a therapist who is dedicated to helping women rediscover their erotic essence, I've often been approached with whispered confessions of lost desire, hushed tones revealing a fading connection with oneself. The emotional landscape of s*xual well-being is a profound territory, and today, I want to hold space as we journey through it, guided by the wisdom of Emily Nagoski's groundbreaking work, "Come As You Are."

Understanding The Dual Control Model

At the core of Nagoski's teachings lies the Dual Control Model. Think of it as the accelerator and brakes in a car. The accelerator is what arouses us, while the brakes signify what inhibits us. Every woman has her unique balance of accelerators and brakes. Your erotic journey is about understanding your accelerator-brake balance and fine-tuning it. Sometimes, our brakes are more sensitive due to past traumas, societal judgments, or internal fears. Recognizing and releasing these brakes can create profound shifts.

The Power of Emotional Context

One of the most illuminating aspects of Nagoski's work is understanding the importance of emotional context. Our s*xuality isn't a fixed drive but a garden of ever-evolving emotions. We don't need to be 'fixed'; we need to be understood. Just like how one song can make you cry in one moment and dance in another, our s*xual responses can vary depending on our emotional context. Embrace this fluidity. Celebrate it.

Critiquing The "Normal"

One of the most significant sources of pain for many women is the illusion of "normal." Society, movies, and even some literature have given us a skewed vision of what female s*xuality should look like. Nagoski invites us to understand that there's a broad spectrum of 'normal'. Your normal is unique, valid, and beautiful.

Ways to Embrace Your Erotic Self

Self-Compassion: Before diving into techniques and therapies, the most potent medicine is self-love. Breathe in acceptance, breathe out judgment.

Mindful Eroticism: Set time aside for yourself. Dive into erotic literature, self-touch, or even simple meditation focused on your desires and body.

Seeking Guidance: Whether it's a therapist like me, a supportive group, or literature like Nagoski's, seeking external support can offer new perspectives.

Tuning Into Your Body: Regular exercise, balanced nutrition, and mindfulness practices can help you stay connected to your physical self. Your body holds wisdom; listen to it.

Open Conversations: Talk to your partner. Share your fears, desires, and boundaries. An understanding partner can be a catalyst in your erotic journey.

In conclusion, embracing your erotic self is a journey of love, acceptance, and discovery. Inspired by Emily Nagoski's work and my experiences, I genuinely believe that every woman can find her unique erotic rhythm, a dance of passion, and peace.

08/28/2023

Strengthen Your Sense of Safety in Relationships with these 5 Tips

05/05/2023

https://www.facebook.com/106189329100934/videos/893557831711419/?idorvanity=680652230497278