Dr. Shelley Sommerfeldt

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Dr. Shelley Sommerfeldt Dr. Shelley Sommerfeldt is a clinical psychologist, relationship coach & founder of the Loving Roots Project.

Don’t just make more time for each other. Make that time more meaningful. Start by getting curious about what your relat...
08/28/2026

Don’t just make more time for each other. Make that time more meaningful. Start by getting curious about what your relationship—and each of you—really needs.
This is the U in UPLIFT—Understanding the Root Cause. Before you can change a relationship, you have to understand what’s actually happening underneath the surface.

Most couples don't have a communication problem. They have a safety problem.When conversations feel like they could go s...
08/25/2026

Most couples don't have a communication problem. They have a safety problem.

When conversations feel like they could go sideways at any moment, you stop saying the real stuff. You edit yourself. You manage your words instead of sharing your truth. And over time, that self-editing creates exactly the kind of distance it was trying to avoid.

That's what the L in UPLIFT is about — learning to move from defensive to curious.

Defensive sounds like: *here we go again.*
Curious sounds like: *help me understand what this is really about for you.*

One closes the conversation and the other opens it.

The couples who repair fastest after conflict aren't the ones who fight the least. They're the ones who've learned to stay curious right at the moment everything in them wants to shut down — to ask a question when their instinct is to make a point.

That shift is one of the most learnable skills in all of relationship work. And it changes everything.

Pre-order The Journey Back to Us to get the full UPLIFT program. 📖

https://www.lovingrootsproject.com/book

Maybe you know this season — the one where you're both trying so hard, just in completely different directions. Where th...
08/22/2026

Maybe you know this season — the one where you're both trying so hard, just in completely different directions. Where the distance isn't dramatic, it just quietly grows.

Swipe through if this feels familiar. And if it does — save this and share it with your partner. Sometimes just knowing someone else understands the season you're in is the first small thing that helps. 🌿

This one is for the person who has been giving everything to their relationship and quietly running on empty.The one who...
08/20/2026

This one is for the person who has been giving everything to their relationship and quietly running on empty.

The one who keeps showing up, keeps trying, keeps holding it together — and wonders why it still doesn't feel like enough.

Here's what I want you to hear: you cannot sustain genuine connection from a place of depletion. You can go through the motions. You can be physically present. But the kind of closeness that actually nourishes a relationship — the kind that makes your partner feel truly seen and chosen — that requires something in you that has to be replenished.

Taking care of yourself is not selfish. It is, quite literally, the foundation of everything else.

When you're regulated, you communicate better. When you're rested, you repair faster. When you know who you are outside of your relationship, you show up inside it with so much more to give.

Start there. Not as a luxury. As a foundation. 💛

One of the hardest things I watch people do in my practice is turn their relationship struggles into evidence that somet...
08/18/2026

One of the hardest things I watch people do in my practice is turn their relationship struggles into evidence that something is fundamentally wrong with them.

They're too emotional. Too distant. Too needy. Too closed off. Too much, or not enough.

And I want to gently push back on all of it.

The patterns you carry into your relationship — the way you shut down, the way you over-explain, the way you brace for rejection before it even comes — those patterns didn't appear out of nowhere. They were learned. They were survival strategies that made complete sense in the environment they came from.

They just don't serve you anymore.

And the first step to changing them isn't criticism. It's understanding. Because you cannot heal what you're still punishing yourself for.

Be as patient with yourself as you're trying to be with your relationship. The two are more connected than you think. 💛

It's easy to focus on what's missing in your relationship. What your partner isn't doing. What you're not getting. What ...
08/17/2026

It's easy to focus on what's missing in your relationship. What your partner isn't doing. What you're not getting. What you wish would change.

But here's the question I ask in almost every session I have with individuals:

Who are you being in this relationship right now?

Not who you could be if your partner changed. Not who you were before things got hard. Who are you showing up as — today, in the ordinary moments, when nobody's watching and nothing's on the line?

Because the relationship you want isn't waiting on the other side of your partner's growth. It's waiting on the other side of yours.

That doesn't mean the problems aren't real. It doesn't mean what's hard isn't hard. It means the most powerful move available to you — right now, today — is deciding who you want to be in this relationship and starting there.

You can't control what your partner does. But you have more influence than you think. And it starts with you. 🌱

Accountability is one of the most misunderstood words in relationships.Most people hear it and think: blame. Who's at fa...
08/12/2026

Accountability is one of the most misunderstood words in relationships.

Most people hear it and think: blame. Who's at fault. Who needs to apologize. Who was wrong.

But that's not what accountability is — at least not the kind that actually changes anything.

Real accountability is quieter than that. It's the moment you catch yourself mid-argument and think — wait, what's my part in this? It's noticing the pattern you keep bringing into the room before pointing at the one your partner brings. It's being willing to look honestly at yourself without collapsing into shame or deflecting into defensiveness.

That takes courage. And it is, without question, one of the most loving things you can do for your relationship.

Here's what I've watched happen in my practice when one person — just one — decides to lead with accountability instead of waiting for their partner to go first:
The dynamic shifts. Almost immediately.

Not because the other person suddenly becomes perfect. But because accountability is disarming. It creates space. It signals safety. And safety is what makes genuine change possible in the first place.

The P in UPLIFT — Promote Personal Accountability — isn't about being the one who always takes the blame. It's about being the one who takes the wheel.

Your relationship doesn't need you to be perfect. It needs you to be honest about where you're showing up and where you're not.

That one shift? It can mean everything. 💛

I don’t often sit with couples who no longer love each other. What I sit across from are couples who care deeply and hav...
08/11/2026

I don’t often sit with couples who no longer love each other. What I sit across from are couples who care deeply and have absolutely no idea how to translate that care into something their partner can actually feel. Or a partner who is feeling unloved and lost on what to do about it.
 
The love is there. It just keeps missing the mark.
 
So here are a few places to start:
Say it out loud, specifically. “I love you” is beautiful. But “I noticed you seemed stressed today and I was thinking about you” lands differently. Specificity is what makes love feel real rather than routine.
 
Ask instead of assume. Most partners try to love each other the way they themselves want to be loved — and then feel hurt when it doesn’t land. Ask your partner what makes them feel most cared for this week. The answer might surprise you.
 
Repair quickly, even when it’s hard. Nothing communicates care more clearly than choosing to reach back toward someone after a rupture. Every time you repair, you’re telling your partner — you matter more to me than being right does.
 
Show up in the ordinary moments. A text in the middle of a hard day. Remembering something small they mentioned. Sitting down next to them without an agenda. Connection isn’t built in grand gestures — it’s built in Tuesday afternoons.
 
Choose curiosity over assumption. When something feels off, get interested instead of defensive. “What’s going on for you right now?” is one of the most underused sentences in long-term relationships.
 
The couples who transform aren’t the ones who love more. They’re the ones who learn to love better — with intention, with tools, and with the willingness to keep trying.
 
That’s exactly what I’m building toward sharing with you. Soon enough. 🌱
 

Disagreement doesn't have to mean destruction.In healthy relationships, conflict is a conversation — not a battlefield. ...
08/06/2026

Disagreement doesn't have to mean destruction.

In healthy relationships, conflict is a conversation — not a battlefield. When your partner can hear a hard truth without shutting down, walking out, or turning it into an attack — that's not small. That's everything.

Safe love doesn't avoid hard moments. It moves through them — together. 💛

Save this if you needed the reminder today.

It's not whether you fight that predicts the health of your relationship. It's what happens in the five seconds after.Fi...
08/05/2026

It's not whether you fight that predicts the health of your relationship. It's what happens in the five seconds after.

Five seconds.

That's your repair window. And most couples don't even know it exists.

A hand on the arm. A "wait — that came out wrong." A shift in your tone before the next sentence. Even a small moment of humor that breaks the tension just enough to breathe.

These aren't signs of weakness. They're the moves that keep conflict from becoming distance.

Here's the part that most people miss though: repair isn't just your partner's job. It's yours too. Sitting back and waiting for them to reach first — because you're hurt, because you're right, because it feels like they should go first — keeps both of you stuck in the same loop every single time.

So next time tension rises, try this. Before you say the next thing, ask yourself one question:

What's one small thing I could do right now to de-escalate — even if I'm still upset?
That's not losing the argument. That's choosing the relationship over being right.
Save this for the next hard moment. Because there will be one — and you'll want this in your back pocket when it comes. 👇

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