SOLE Counseling Survivors of Life's Experiences

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SOLE Counseling Survivors of Life's Experiences At S.O.L.E Counseling our focus is to assist you in achieving your goals. We will work with you every step of the way. You are not alone.

Therapy & Counseling Services in the east valley. We help individuals and couples recover from sexual addiction and betrayal trauma.

“Change seems so unrealistic sometimes. Why can’t I just get over this?”That question can be a sneaky way for shame to c...
10/18/2026

“Change seems so unrealistic sometimes. Why can’t I just get over this?”
That question can be a sneaky way for shame to creep in.
It can turn into:
“Why am I still struggling with this?”
“What’s wrong with me?”
“I should be over this by now.”
Remember: you are not your mistakes.
And while accountability and effort are important, so is remembering that change takes time.
Think about it this way: lasting change usually doesn't happen with one dramatic decision. Our brains, habits, and patterns are shaped through repetition.
So, when you've spent time developing a habit that you now want to change, creating a different pattern is going to take time and effort, too.
Is it possible to change the habit? Absolutely.
Can healthier responses become more natural and automatic over time? Absolutely.
It just takes time and practice.
And the process isn't always linear.
It might look less like a straight line...
↗️..and more like a squiggly one:
↗️↘️↗️↘️↗️↗️↘️↗️
You may take steps forward, stumble, make progress again, and even experience a relapse.
That doesn't mean you've failed.
So give yourself grace when you're engaged in the struggle, when you don't meet an expectation you had for yourself, or when you mess up—even if you relapse.
Progress doesn't have to be perfect to be progress.

So what happens when you mess up?Is all hope lost?Does this confirm what shame is already telling you?Are you just a “ba...
10/16/2026

So what happens when you mess up?
Is all hope lost?
Does this confirm what shame is already telling you?
Are you just a “bad person” with no hope of changing?
Absolutely not.
Remember what we talked about yesterday: healing takes time, and changing habits isn't always linear.
We're often working against patterns that have been practiced so many times that they can become automatic.
So when you experience a setback—or even a relapse—it doesn't mean all of your previous progress disappeared.
What can you do?
1. Recognize what happened, and give yourself grace.
A setback doesn't define you.
Take responsibility for what happened, but don't turn that responsibility into an attack on yourself.
Instead, remind yourself:
“This happened. I need to learn from it. And I can keep going.”
2. Reconnect.
Talk to someone.
A counselor. An accountability partner. A trusted person.
Someone who can remind you of the progress you've made, encourage you not to give up, and provide the accountability you need to keep moving forward.
And reconnect with the tools you've been learning, too.
Go back to your plan. Remember what you've practiced. Reengage with the strategies that have helped you.
3. Resume.
Don't let one setback convince you that the journey is over.
Try again.
And again.
And again.
Not because the behavior doesn't matter—but because you haven't stopped being capable of change.
A setback doesn't erase the work you've already done.
All is not lost.
Your goal is still worth pursuing.
And tomorrow, we'll talk about one of the most important ways to keep moving forward:
taking the next step.

“My therapist—and the people who love me—are just trying to shame me into changing.”That’s a misconception that can be e...
10/15/2026

“My therapist—and the people who love me—are just trying to shame me into changing.”
That’s a misconception that can be easy to develop.
But shame and accountability are not the same thing.
Shame says:
“I did something bad, therefore I am bad.”
It attacks you as a person rather than addressing the behavior itself.
It can make you look at your mistakes and feel like they define your entire identity—leaving you hurt, embarrassed, scared, and wanting to hide.
That’s often where the urge to beat yourself up comes from.
And unfortunately, when people begin to recognize the impact of their behavior, they can start saying these things to themselves:
“What’s wrong with me?”
“I’m a terrible person.”
“I’ll never change.”
But that isn’t healthy—and it isn’t true.
Your worst habits do not define your character.
You are more than the mistakes you’ve made. You are more than your addiction. You are more than the behaviors you are trying to change.
But does that mean you should simply continue the behavior?
No.
And that’s where accountability comes in.
The people who love you may encourage you to seek help because they believe you are capable of something better. A therapist may challenge you to take responsibility because they believe change is possible.
That isn’t shame.
The balance is this:
You are not your worst mistakes—and you can still take responsibility for them.
You can acknowledge that a behavior is harmful without declaring yourself a harmful person.
You can recognize that you need to change without believing that you are beyond change.
Accountability can happen without shame.
Encouragement to improve can happen without attacking who you are.
And that balance—compassion without enabling, and accountability without shame—is a big part of what makes therapy so effective.

“I stopped doing the behavior! So the problem is fixed now, right?”WRONG!!!!Stopping the behavior is important—but it’s ...
10/15/2026

“I stopped doing the behavior! So the problem is fixed now, right?”
WRONG!!!!
Stopping the behavior is important—but it’s often only half the battle.
Why?
Because when we look more deeply at addictive or compulsive behaviors, we often find that the behavior was serving a purpose. For some people, it became a way of coping with things like loneliness, stress, anger, depression, grief, or unresolved emotional wounds.
So if we only focus on stopping the behavior, we may not be addressing what led to it in the first place.
A more effective approach is two-fold:
1. Understand what’s underneath the behavior.
What are those feelings trying to communicate? What needs are present? What situations or emotions tend to trigger the behavior?
Loneliness, stress, anger, sadness, and other difficult emotions are normal parts of being human. Feeling them isn’t the problem. The question is: How do we respond to them?
2. Develop healthier ways to cope when those feelings return.
The goal isn’t simply to stop one behavior. It’s to develop coping strategies that actually help—and, with practice, become more natural and automatic than the old patterns.
And sometimes, there are deeper wounds that need attention, such as grief or trauma. Those can take time and may require their own process of healing.
That takes time.
And that’s why at SOLE Counseling, we want treatment to go beyond simply stopping a behavior.
The deeper goal isn’t just “How do we get you to stop?”
It’s:
“How do we help you understand what’s happening underneath—and learn healthier ways to respond when life gets difficult?”
That’s where lasting change can begin.

A dangerous assumption about addiction is that the person must be enjoying it.This is especially important for partners,...
10/13/2026

A dangerous assumption about addiction is that the person must be enjoying it.
This is especially important for partners, family members, and other people who care about someone struggling with compulsive behavior.
Sometimes the behavior is pleasurable. That's part of what can make it so difficult to stop.
But pleasure and addiction aren't the same thing.
Someone can genuinely dislike what they're doing, feel ashamed of it, wish they could stop—and still find themselves returning to it.
With compulsive behaviors, the brain can learn to associate a particular behavior with pleasure, relief, excitement, escape, or emotional regulation. The more that pattern is repeated, the more automatic and deeply ingrained it can become.
Eventually, the person may not even be chasing pleasure anymore.
They may be chasing relief.
Relief from stress.
Relief from loneliness.
Relief from anxiety.
Relief from difficult emotions.
And sometimes, the person doesn't even feel good afterward.
That's one of the reasons telling someone to “just stop” usually doesn't address the whole problem.
But here's the hopeful part:
Learned patterns can be unlearned.
The brain is capable of change. New coping skills can be developed. Triggers can be understood. Automatic patterns can be interrupted. And over time, healthier responses can become more familiar.
That doesn't mean recovery is easy.
It usually takes honesty, consistency, accountability, support, and a willingness to do some uncomfortable work. Sometimes it takes professional help and a community of people who understand what you're going through.
If you're struggling with compulsive sexual behavior, you aren't hopeless because you've developed a pattern you don't know how to break.
And if you love someone who is struggling, understanding that they may be caught in something they don't fully know how to control can help you approach the situation with both compassion and appropriate boundaries.
Recovery is possible.
But it starts with acknowledging that something needs to change—and being willing to do the work to make that change happen.

When someone is caught in a compulsive sexual behavior, there can be several emotions operating at the same time: excite...
10/13/2026

When someone is caught in a compulsive sexual behavior, there can be several emotions operating at the same time: excitement, relief, curiosity, loneliness, shame, anxiety, and the temporary escape that comes from being somewhere no one else can see.

Po*******hy, in particular, can create a strange combination of isolation and stimulation. There may be excitement in having a private world that feels completely yours—no questions, no judgment, no one interrupting. For a moment, you can disconnect from whatever you're feeling and focus entirely on the behavior.

And then there can be shame.

Not everyone experiences shame in the same way, and shame isn't necessarily what causes compulsive behavior. But when someone believes, “I shouldn't be doing this,” while continuing to do it, secrecy can become part of the cycle.

You hide the behavior because you're ashamed.

The secrecy gives you permission to continue it.

Then you feel more shame because you hid it.

So you hide it even more.

That cycle can be incredibly difficult to break
And this is why honesty matters so much in recovery.

Not just honesty with your partner, therapist, support group, or someone you trust—but honesty with yourself.

What are you actually doing?

What are you feeling before you do it?

What are you trying to escape, soothe, or experience?

What is the behavior costing you?

And what would change if you stopped protecting the behavior with secrecy?

You don't have to have all the answers today.

But you do have to be willing to look.

Because you can't change a pattern you're still pretending isn't there.

Being honest about your circumstances isn't about beating yourself up or labeling yourself as a bad person. It's about becoming willing to see the whole picture without looking away.

And sometimes, that's where a better life begins.

If you're trying to make a change in your life, you don't have to do it alone.So how do you actually build that support ...
10/11/2026

If you're trying to make a change in your life, you don't have to do it alone.

So how do you actually build that support team?

First, start by talking to someone you trust.

Tell them what you're feeling. Tell them what you're struggling with. Tell them what you're trying to change.

If you're comfortable, ask them to help you stay accountable.

Maybe they check in with you.

Maybe they help you think through a problem.

Maybe they help you find a resource you didn't know existed.

Maybe they simply listen.

And if the problem is bigger than what a friend can help you with, that's okay.

That's not weakness.

That's what professionals are there for.

A coach may be helpful for certain goals. A counselor may be able to help you understand what's underneath a struggle, develop strategies for dealing with it, recognize patterns you haven't noticed, or simply give you a safe place to work through what's happening.

The steps we've talked about over the last few days aren't meant to be a complete solution to everything you're facing.

They're a start.

And sometimes the most important part of starting is recognizing:

I don't have to figure this out by myself.

So pick one thing.

Make it small.

Start.

And then, when you need it, let someone help you keep going.

If you'd like that someone to include a professional counselor, we're here.

— SOLE Counseling, 480-815-3094

After talking about how to get started on making improvements, you may still be thinking:“Okay… but what if I don't feel...
10/10/2026

After talking about how to get started on making improvements, you may still be thinking:

“Okay… but what if I don't feel like I'm getting very far?"

If that's you, you're not alone.

And there's a reason you may be struggling to move forward:

You're not supposed to do this alone.

We talk a lot about individual responsibility. Set a goal. Make a plan. Take the first step. Build a habit.

Those things matter.

But there's something else that matters just as much:

People.

Life isn't meant to be endured alone. We're meant to have people around us—not just for companionship, but for support, encouragement, perspective, and accountability.

Think about it.

When you're struggling with something for a long time, it can become difficult to see the problem clearly. You get used to it. You may not even realize how much it's affecting you.

Sometimes another person can see something you can't.

When you're trying to make a change, it can also be easy to lose motivation. But having someone who knows what you're working toward can make a difference.

Someone who can say, “Hey, how did that goal go?”

Someone who can encourage you when you succeed and remind you that one bad day doesn't erase your progress.

And sometimes, you simply don't know what to do next.

That's not a personal failure.

You may just need someone who knows something you don't.

That's where getting help becomes important.

Because sometimes, what you need isn't another push.

You need someone to walk beside you.

And that's what we'll talk about tomorrow.

Yesterday, we used eating regularly as an example of how to turn a big goal into a small first step.You may be thinking,...
10/09/2026

Yesterday, we used eating regularly as an example of how to turn a big goal into a small first step.

You may be thinking, “Wait! That’s too easy.” That’s actually the point.

Sometimes you need a goal that's almost ridiculously easy just to get yourself moving.

Because the point isn't to completely transform your life tomorrow.

The point is to start.

Sometimes, that will allow you to build momentum so that you can do more, and even add another goal later. However, sometimes, you may not feel any momentum at all.

That’s okay.

You still started, and you still completed something! And even that can be more fulfilling than never getting started in the first place.

The point is: Don't stack. Just go.

And yes, you might think:

“This is going to take forever.”

Maybe it will.

But I'd rather see you make a small change that you can actually sustain than set a huge goal that you abandon because it became impossible to manage.

Slow and doable beats fast and impossible.

And remember: this isn't about fixing everything.

Small changes won't magically solve every problem you're facing.

But they can help you get grounded. They can reveal other things that need attention. And once your basic needs for THRIVING—not just surviving— are being cared for, you'll have more room to give those other issues the targeted attention they deserve.

So today, don't fix your whole life.

Pick one thing.

Make it small.

And just start.

— SOLE Counseling, 480-815-3094

After going through what we discussed yesterday—how you are actually doing, how you are taking care of yourself physical...
10/08/2026

After going through what we discussed yesterday—how you are actually doing, how you are taking care of yourself physically, emotionally, and relationally—how many of those questions struck a chord with you?

Maybe one made you think, “Yeah… I need to improve that.”

Maybe several did.

And if that's the case, we want to help you avoid the next thought:
“This is so much to get done. I'll never be able to do all of this. Maybe I should just stop trying.”

So what should you do?

Choose ONE thing. Yes. One.

Then make one small act of improvement.

Some of you may have heard of SMART goals: Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Reasonable, and Time-bound.

Let's focus on one part: Achievable.

That's one of the reasons we're telling you to choose only one thing.

Let's say you realize that you regularly forget to eat until 4 p.m., when you're suddenly starving.

You decide you want to work on eating more regularly.
You could say:

“I will add a healthy, homemade breakfast and lunch at structured times every day.”
That's a good long-term idea, but it's actually asking you to change several things at once. It may be too much.

You could make it more specific:

“I will eat cereal at 9 a.m. and a ham and cheese sandwich at 1 p.m. every day.”

Better.

But even that might feel overwhelming if you're starting from zero.

So here's another option:

“Tomorrow, I will set an alarm for 9 a.m. and be happy if I eat cereal. Then I'll set another alarm for 1 p.m. and eat something. I'll worry about the other days later.”

Or just choose one of those meals.

That's it.

Is that too easy?

Maybe. And that's okay. Tomorrow, we’ll discuss why

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4447 East Broadway Road #103
Mesa, AZ
85206

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