Lauren M Johnson, MA, LPCC

04/13/2026

My Sister – When Boundaries Become Necessary

I want to talk about some broader dynamics with estrangement. Estrangement isn’t always just between parent and children – sometimes it is reinforced and escalated by others who insert themselves and then control the narrative.

In addition to the estrangement with my children, I also experienced a breakdown in my relationship with my oldest sister. I had taken a step away from my family in the years following my divorce because my experiences of abuse were being denied and dismissed. In recent years, I had re-entered the family system because of my mom’s terminal illness and death to offer her support and hoping to reestablish connections.

A few years ago, when my son and daughter-in-law were getting married, I hosted a wedding shower for them. My sister declined the invitation, citing other commitments. I understood at the time and let it go.A few months later, she also did not attend their wedding reception and declined via RSVP without speaking to me directly. That was difficult for me. Weddings are meaningful family events and she seemed to be treating it like an everyday thing. Her absence—without acknowledgment—felt hurtful and confusing.

After that, I took a step back. When she later reached out with a warm birthday message later that month, it felt incongruent with what had happened, and I chose not to engage in the same way.

About a year later, I did not inform her of my daughter’s medical school graduation. Given what had occurred previously, it did not feel appropriate to include her in that moment. When she reached out expressing disappointment, she asked why I had been distant. I explained that I had been hurt by her absence at my son’s wedding reception.

The response I received was that I was being “petty,” along with broader criticism of me and our relationship. When I pointed out that I had answered her question honestly, the conversation ended.

A few days later, she sent me a text message referencing my ex-husband’s obituary from the previous month, which she had found online. I had not shared news of his death with her. Receiving that message in that way was deeply distressing; both because of the content and because of how it was used in the context of our conflict.

Following that, I learned that she had shared information about his death with other family members without my consent.

That experience clarified something important for me. I cannot have a relationship with someone who responds to conflict in ways that feel punitive, dismissive, or lacking in basic care—especially around deeply personal and painful events.

I also cannot maintain relationships where my lived experience, including past abuse, is minimized or denied.

For those reasons, I made the decision to step back from this relationship.

02/14/2026

Queen Charlotte – An Exquisite Love Story

I just finished watching Queen Charlotte of the Bridgerton Series and the beautiful story of King George and Queen Charlotte. The beauty of their love made me cry. George suffers from mental illness and he is willing to go through all of these torturous, archaic treatments to try to rid himself of his illness. He stays away from Charlotte because he is afraid of hurting her. He is aware of his mental illness and he doesn’t want Charlotte to be doomed to a life with him and encourages her to leave him. She refuses and says that she loves him. Sadly, however, she will eventually lose him to his mental illness.

George is a kind soul. He was so very sweet with Charlotte. People who live with mental illness, like George, are most often ashamed and embarrassed of their illness and fear being judged. George knew his limitations and was honest about them with Charlotte. Charlotte holds their family together amidst this tragedy.

I related to Charlotte because I also lived with madness. I didn’t live with the madness of mental illness in a partner; however, I lived with the madness of a partner with entitlement and cruelty. Someone that openly chose to be mean and to hurt me and our children – had no remorse and did not want to be accountable.

Like Charlotte, I also had to hold things together for my children, maintain composure, be the stable one and carry dignity. Charlotte held the line for a kind man who was unwell. I had to hold the line against a cruel man who was entitled. Charlotte was not demeaned or made small, nor treated as less than. I, on the other hand, had to continue protecting my children while be actively undermined, remain regulated while being disrespected, maintain dignity while being treated with superiority and absorb cruelty without acknowledgement of repair. I didn’t love someone who wished they could do better. Rather I had to face someone who felt justified in doing harm - and still show up as a mother.

Just like Charlotte, I loved deeply. I loved and supported a man in the same way Charlotte did. Love, however, can’t make someone stop being cruel. There was a huge cost of the role I was forced into and unlike Charlotte; I didn’t receive the kindness that would have made it survivable.

Now my children are re-enacting this very dynamic through demanding and cruel partners or just their own personal choices to withhold contact, dismiss my humanity, rewrite reality, and allow cruelty to stand. It is an entitlement mixed with the avoidance of “I don’t have to deal with this and I won’t.” It is also not something I can fix by loving harder. This is their work to do – I have done mine.

I also will not surrender my position in our family. Ever. I refuse to be erased. There is nothing to surrender.

01/22/2026

STOP COMPLAINING OR GO GET A REAL JOB

I came downstairs to find this note left by my husband for me on the counter one morning after he had gone to work. The night before I had talked to him about needing some help - that I was overwhelmed caring for our three children – my daughter was a baby and the boys were 15 months old and 30 months old. I was doing everything – my husband did not help with the kids – he did not get up in the middle of the night, change diapers, give bottles, baths, dress them or play with them. I cooked, did the shopping, laundry, dishes, cleaning, etc. I remember a relative noticing that I would run around like a chicken with its head cut off, while my husband sat around. My husband would often refer to himself as “The King”.

In that conversation, I told him I was exhausted. I asked for his help and I also asked if we could hire a cleaning person. He told me that other women would envy me for being able to stay-at-home, like the women who worked at his clinic and I should be grateful to him.

These types of responses were not uncommon. There had already been years of abuse that began immediately after my first son was born and my husband decided to leave an oral surgery program at the end of the first year. He had a lot of shame and anger from that decision that I think he never recovered from - and it all was transferred to me.

People might say – why didn’t you leave? At that point, I had three children under 3 years old and I was overwhelmed. How could I have filed for divorce? And what would happen to our children?

A few years later and after working with a therapist, I talked with my husband about not being happy in our marriage and he threatened me – to sell his practice and quit working so he would not have to pay me child support or spousal maintenance and that he would fight me for sole custody. When I told him that the courts would not allow that he said well then he would take our children and run. When I did file for divorce, he immediately expected that I get a job – he was not going to give me “welfare” as he put it, even though I had worked full-time to support us while he was in dental school.

As I have discussed previously, it is now my children, in resurrecting old patterns, who want me to “stop complaining”. I am not to speak of my grief, or the lack of apology from them for not telling me about their father’s death for 2 weeks and the coercive silence by them and their partners that has followed since. I am not to speak out about what has been going on, but to take the abuse and remain silent. I am not to be seen as a real person with needs and my own complicated feelings.

I have been punished for not following their rules just like their father punished me for not following his. It is retaliatory control using silence; erasure and withdrawal for compliance. They have made it impossible for me to act like a normal mother and then they punish me for not acting like one.

Once again, I am posting this in an effort to speak out about what parents and grandparents may be dealing with in estrangement situations. Hopefully it can help others know that they are not alone and give a voice to something people are afraid to speak about.

01/03/2026

As a therapist, I see about 25- 30 people each week. People come to me with their problems, their struggles seeking a place to be seen and validated and healed. I sit with them listening and working on strategies to help them navigate their complicated worlds. They trust my insight and my judgment.

That work; however, does not make me immune to estrangement. I am straddling two very different worlds right now and have a difficult time understanding how in one, I am highly respected and valued for my opinions and insights and in the other I am disrespected and silenced. It is highly disorienting.

I also understand that where there has been abuse and dysfunction, children can take on the loudest emotional signature in the family. When my children were young, their father’s emotional signature of contempt, silence, withholding was the loudest and I spent a lot of time absorbing and working to create stability. So I see how the expectation that I remain silent in the face of abusive treatment could be present now. However, what they are forgetting is that I left that relationship. I am not the parent that tolerated abuse to keep the peace; rather I am the parent that ended it at great cost to protect myself - and them.

What is apparent to me is that their father’s accident was withheld from me purposely so that I would not have any choice to respond. I was not offered the decision to hop on a plane with them and see him in the hospital. Rather I was informed of his accident - in Florida where he had been vacationing - after they had landed. They were informed the night before and made all the travel arrangements without informing me. It was implied I was not wanted there. I have always had a very close relationship with my children so this was out of character to not be informed of an emergency.

It is my belief that his current wife did not want me there and did not want any opportunity for me to be a part of things. I would detract from the attention she would want for herself. I am not sure my children understood the part they were being asked to play. For that, I will give them grace. What I will not give grace for is the withholding of the news of his death for 2 weeks and the silence that has followed in response to my asking for an apology. I understand how difficult this was for them and yet, it was also difficult for me. My therapist friend pointed out that I was never asked how I was doing – not once. It was not my job to reach out for news, rather it was their job to inform me.

I was not mentioned in the obituary and I realize that is probably a common thing when you are the first wife. He was portrayed like the second coming of Christ and it was implied that somehow I was to blame for his abuse because his current wife was his “perfect match”. Well he landed on her after dating many women after our separation and divorce. He was even ordered by our parenting consultant to stop bringing women on vacation with his children as there were so many and he used them as a buffer.

It was mentioned in the obituary that my children would be attending the funeral, which I thought was an odd thing to add – like they were some kind of trophy attained. I obviously was not invited to the funeral – not given a chance to mourn him. I did have 4 children with him and I did love him once. He knew my family, my parents, my grandparents, my siblings, and my friends. I created a life with him and was an integral part of the story and yet I was left out. I realize that I bring with me the truth of the abuse – a truth that he didn’t want to face, nor did the people around him want to face and if I had brainwashed our children as he adamantly stated, maybe in getting our children there without me – they could manipulate them out of their lived experience with him. I was not there to protect them and in reality at 30, 31 and 32, it was not my job anymore.

I had dreams that would never be realized and all hope that he would some day acknowledge the harm he caused was also gone for me. It’s not that I really believed he would make amends, but one never knows. It also feels like I am a kind of widow as well even though we had been apart for many years.

This is not something I have wanted to write about. I am a deeply private person and hate having to talk about this, but if my story can help someone else – someone facing abuse or an estranged parent or grandparent, then I feel it is my duty to speak.

12/26/2025

I have not posted for a bit – I was working through the holiday silence as I think many estranged parents are having to navigate right now. Territory you never imagine you would face as the caring, safe, protective and nurturing parent.

I am experiencing this silence because earlier this year I asked for an apology.

An apology, first, because I was the last person to be informed of my former husband’s accident and then second, I was not informed of his subsequent death for 2 weeks. Everyone else knew, but me - partners, friends, families of partners and friends, etc. There were explanations given as to why I was not informed and none made sense – all it would have taken was a quick text – he died. I was not asking for anything more than basic human decency.

I was his wife for many years and the mother of his 4 children – one that died in childbirth. I raised the remaining three on my own through extraordinary obstacles. Their father was an extremely abusive man. I spent years in the court system fighting to protect them – at enormous emotional, psychological and financial cost.

I deserved to be one of the first persons notified of his death. The fact that I was not remains profoundly disturbing. It just escapes me.

When I asked for an apology earlier this year, the response was silence. That silence has since expanded into estrangement to include exclusion from milestones, announcements and holidays. There was no conversation, no warning, and no attempt at repair – just silence.

What this has revealed to me is that the system that appeared loving on the outside was, in reality, dependent on my silence, compliance and the erasing of my role and standing in the family. This was intensified by the influence of demanding and controlling partners and close friends entering the family system.

I wanted to post this for any parent or grandparent out there who, like myself, is experiencing the shock, disorientation and destabilization from weaponized estrangement - not because they were unsafe, but because they asked for accountability.

12/18/2025

This is a picture of me and my grandmother. I had a wonderful relationship with my grandmother and went to visit and stay with her often as a young child and really looked forward to those times. I look back on those years fondly. It was a way for me to have my own special time. She was a pivotal person in my life and I still grieve the loss of her.

I have pictures of me and my granddaugher, but have not posted for privacy. I have not been allowed to see my granddaughter for over 3 years. The last time I saw her was at her 2nd birthday party. She has a younger sister I have never met. This is not because I am unsafe or unavailable, but because estrangement is being used as a tool for punishment and control. It is not just devastating for me, but for my grandchildren who are losing the chance to have a relationship with a grandmother who loves them dearly and unconditionally.

This form of exile is something many grandparents silently endure, often carrying shame for situations they did not create. Children deserve every healthy loving connection available to them. I someday hope my grandchildren know that I fought for them, loved them and held space for them even in the silence. I will be silent no more.

12/16/2025

A note of clarity.

My recent post about estrangement was not written to blame, shame, or attack.

It was written because an entire group of parents and grandparents — myself included — have been suffering in silence under a cultural narrative that only tells one side of estrangement.

I am fully aware of and absolutely agree that there are situations where no contact with a parent is the right and safe step. I help clients in my own practice with this very thing when warranted. Also, my own children had no contact with their father for years - and it was court ordered - which is not done lightly in family court and took many years of hard work and perseverance - with extreme emotional, psychological and financial stress on my part. So I have lived that side of "no contact" and can speak credibly about it. And yet -

There is a flip side. A side I never thought I would experience.
A side where the healthy parent becomes the target.
A side where weaponized silence creates psychological harm.
A side that deserves to be named out loud.

Speaking truth about abusive dynamics is not retaliation.
It is healing.
It is reclaiming voice.
It is refusing to participate in shame.

Imagine waking up every day to a dose of cruelty that you did nothing to deserve. Cruelty that belongs to the abusive parent but gets re-routed to you. If my words helped even one parent feel less alone, more validated, or more seen - then breaking my own silence was worth it.

This conversation is just beginning, and many of us need it.

12/15/2025

Most information on estrangement focuses on adult children going no-contact with abusive parents. But there is another perspective — one that is not often discussed, yet widely experienced: when abusive adult children weaponize estrangement to control, punish, and destabilize the very parent who was safe, loving, devoted, nurturing and protective.
In this dynamic, estrangement becomes a form of emotional exile. The parent is punished for fabricated or exaggerated infractions — or for nothing at all. Small, petty situations are magnified into character assassinations. A healthy parent is portrayed as unstable or overly emotional to justify cutting them out without conversation, mediation, or repair.

Re-entry into the relationship is intentionally made impossible. The abusive adult child refuses any dialogue, any attempt at resolution, any form of accountability. The goal is not repair or resolution— it is ending contact indefinitely. And the shock of this almost overnight transformation — from closeness and warmth to cruelty and distance — is profoundly disorienting and traumatic.

These patterns often do not emerge from nowhere. They are rooted in the unresolved trauma of childhood spent navigating an abusive parent or family system. Even when the healthy parent left the abuse, fought for the children, protected them, and rebuilt a safer life, the old dynamics lie dormant. Then adulthood brings stress, identity crises, relationships with entitled, controlling partners or close friends who reactivate those childhood patterns.
Through the influence of these controlling partners or friends, the adult child reenacts the old family script, now weaponized with adult autonomy — and the safe parent is once again subjected to the silence, contempt, and emotional erasure that was previously perpetrated by the abusive partner.

Parents who are experiencing this kind of psychological violence deserve to be seen, heard, and validated.

01/31/2023

I would not highly recommend the book “It Ends With Us” by Colleen Hoover as a realistic look at domestics violence. I would NOT say it is recommended reading for domestic violence. That would be giving credit where none is due. It is NOT a must read for anyone that has been in an abusive relationship or wants to understand domestic violence. It is a fictional account created by a writer - a story. What IS a must read for any woman are the two books I have pictured here by Lundy Bancroft who is an authority on domestic violence having worked with men in anger management programs for decades. His books “Why Does He Do That - Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men” and Should I Stay Or Should I Go - A Guide to Knowing if Your Relationship Can and Should Be Saved” should be recommended reading for all women - to get educated about abuse. Women need to expect better - they deserve it, their children deserve it and the world deserves it too!

08/01/2022

04/20/2022

How random events can change our course when we didn't want it to change.

04/01/2022

The control patterns in relationships with female controlling partner and male protector - possible Will and Jada Smith dynamic.