07/27/2026
In Thought
“Love springs from awareness. It is only inasmuch as you see someone as he or she really is here and now and not as they are in your memory or your desire or in your imagination or projection that you can truly love them, otherwise it is not the person that you love but the idea that you have formed of this person, or this person as the object of your desire not as he or she is in themselves.
Therefore the first act of love is to see this person or this object, this reality as it truly is. And this involves the enormous discipline of dropping your desires, your prejudices, your memories, your projections, your selective way of looking, a discipline so great that most people would rather plunge headlong into good actions and service than submit to the burning fire of this asceticism. So the first ingredient of love is to really see the other.
The second ingredient is equally important to see yourself, to ruthlessly flash the light of awareness on your motives, your emotions, your needs, your dishonesty, your self-seeking, your tendency to control and manipulate.”
— Anthony De Mello, Awareness: The Perils and Opportunities of Reality
In Reflection
Anthony De Mello presents love as an “asceticism”—a spiritual discipline of stripping away. We often think of love as an emotion or an action, but De Mello argues it is first an act of perception. Most of us do not interact with people; we interact with our ideas of people. We see our spouse through the lens of a mistake they made ten years ago (memory), or we see our child through the lens of who we want them to become (desire). To truly love is to burn away these filters so we can see the “real, living person” standing in front of us.
The second part of this discipline is perhaps the most difficult: turning that same “ruthless light of awareness” inward. We cannot see others clearly if our own internal “lenses” are smudged by unexamined motives or a need to control. In recovery, we often realize that our “love” for others was actually a form of manipulation—we were “loving” them so they would stay, so they would change, or so they would make us feel better about ourselves. True love requires the courage to ask, “What am I seeking for myself in this interaction?”
This dual awareness—seeing the other and seeing the self—is the only foundation for a relationship rooted in grace rather than illusion. When we stop trying to “fix” the person in front of us and start simply “seeing” them, we create a sacred space where healing can actually occur.
True love starts with awareness, not action. De Mello challenges us to see others as they are right now, rather than through our memories or desires. Otherwise, we love only a version of them we created. This radical love requires laying down our filters to meet others with open hearts. We must also turn this awareness inward, facing our own motives and needs for control. It takes courage to shine that light on ourselves, but that is where honest connection begins. In recovery, love rooted in truth allows for compassion instead of control, opening the door to restorative relationships.
—DH
In Deed
During a conversation today, consciously “drop” a past memory or future expectation you have of the person speaking and try to listen to them as if you were meeting them for the first time.