Kathy Cherven RN, LCPC, Loss & Grief Counseling

01/28/2024

In my opinion, the most used word in grief is 3 letters....W H Y!!! The answer is "I don't know!"
Here's the beautiful response to the question though. I hope it brings some comfort.

01/06/2023

Good morning
While I'm trying to search for words of gratitude, I realize I missed my contact number by 1 . It's 815 4169036. Thx

01/04/2023

“NOT KNOWING THE TRUTH
DOESN’T MAKE YOU IGNORANT
NOT WANTING TO KNOW
THE TRUTH IS WHAT MAKES
YOU IGNORANT.”
(author unknown)

When I came across this quote the other day, my breath was taken away, feeling it had been written just for me. I had convinced myself that certain truths were meant to be kept secret, even if it meant jeopardizing my physical and emotional well-being. After all, I didn’t want to be “one of those parents”. I know, I know!!!! No lectures, please.

For me, saying my intentions out loud to myself, the air, or another person helps motivate me to follow through on what I said. That’s how I got the courage to go back to school for my Master’s degree.

Death by addiction and su***de is referred to as disenfranchised grief, meaning the death is not recognized by society and the mourner doesn’t receive the support needed with their grief. In other words, death isn’t an “honorable” death because the person chose to use or didn’t reach out for help with their depression.

Several years ago, I facilitated a grief support group for parents who had lost a child to he**in addiction. HEROS (He**in Epidemic Relief Organization) was founded by 2 dads, John Roberts and Brian Keith, grieving the deaths of their teenage sons, and determined to take action against addiction.

I never understood the pain and chaos experienced by family and their child struggling with addiction; lies, manipulation hopelessness, guilt, and betrayal, to name just a few. I learned more from these families than could ever have been taught in a classroom.

Throughout my almost 8 years in private practice, I’ve worked with many parents, families, and friends experiencing the overwhelming grief of their child’s death by su***de or addiction. The stories are similar, and yet entirely different.

It was becoming more and more difficult to maintain my secret as I worked with my clients. My struggle with avoiding the truth was creating more turmoil. More and more Ignorant!!! It’s unethical to disclose personal information to clients which would change the focus from them to me. I had convinced myself that by helping others, I didn’t need any support, but obviously, I was just kidding myself.!!!!

I had a client many years ago grieving the death of her daughter who had been killed in a car crash. One day she asked; “Can’t anyone see that my heart is hemorrhaging.”, feeling isolated and alone in the pain of her grief. I think of this woman often and her powerful words because that’s how I was feeling through my resistance to tell my secret.

Not many of my family and friends knew of my son’s addiction because I kept it so well hidden, but I had to start somewhere. I had told 2 of my siblings but felt I’d be too much of a burden calling for support all the time, so I told the others. Of course, they were loving and supportive and I felt somewhat relieved and yet vulnerable with the truth. It hurt my heart.

I had suspected for years that my youngest son (43) had an addiction problem, and never had the courage to confront him. It was easier to choose ignorance over truth??
“If I say it out loud then I have to do what I say”.

Throughout the years his addictions changed as I anxiously watched, praying that he wouldn’t die from an overdose, the list goes on and on. Every now and then he would confess to me and I would bail him out even though I knew I was enabling but didn’t care.
Several years ago, he fell 20 feet off a ladder crushing his foot and ankle. From that time, it seemed like his addiction escalated and my denial strengthened.

My son was in and out of treatment but not truly committed to staying clean, substituting one addiction with another. He finally hit rock bottom a few weeks ago and almost died from an overdose.

That morning, I just called to check on him after receiving an upsetting text from my daughter-in-law. He answered and then went home. He later told me my call saved his life because he was tired of hurting and was intentionally trying to overdose.

He's currently in an in-patient treatment facility in California and seems to be committed to staying clean. I feel cautiously hopeful, not totally trusting him due to all his lies and manipulation.
He calls every day, apologizing, asking if I still love him. Of course, I do. My heart breaks every time he asks.

At the core of addiction is unresolved trauma. My son has been diagnosed with severe PTSD and has no intention of ever telling me what happened many years ago.
I still struggle with not wanting to verbalize and hear the truth about my son’s addiction. BABY STEPS!!!

I have so much more to share but need to stop right now. I just want to encourage anyone experiencing this nightmare to choose to tell your truth even though it will hurt.
Feel free to reach out to me through my website,Griefrollercoaster.com or call 815 4169026.
Sincerely, Kathy

12/27/2022

“CAN DO”
Many years ago, a client came to me following the traumatic death of her son and 2 grandsons in a housefire, leaving her feeling almost paralyzed with grief. She devised a way to help with her motivation that she referred to as the “Can Do” table.

Use masking tape to make squares or rectangles on your kitchen counter, or a place suitable for you;
make 6 or more sections to put your "can do" items running/walking shoes, a bible, a novel, a camera, a journal, earbuds, a cell phone, etc. Of course, you can choose anything you’d like that you think you can do for a minimum of 5 minutes, and before you know it, you’ll be able to add more time. Make sure to set your timer.

Similar to this, my husband found this quote in a Crane magazine (go figure), written by St. Francis of Assisi:
“Start by doing what is necessary, then do what is possible, and suddenly, you are doing the impossible.”
Maybe we should add the timer for 5 minutes.

If you have an idea that works for you, please share it. Thank you,
Kathy

11/25/2022

A friend shared this with me and I really loved it and want to share it.
This author has several books on grief a my friend highly recommends them

04/20/2022

Here are the wave pictures.

04/20/2022

When I went to San Jose del Cabo for the first time 3 years ago, I fell in love with the sunrises and the sounds of crashing waves. My sister and I took hundreds of sunrise and wave pictures. The problem with phone pictures is they don’t enlarge very well, so I was disappointed with the lack of quality.
This year, I brought my good camera and zoom lens with the intention of taking quality wave pictures to enlarge and hang in my office. Grief is often compared to natural events such as tornados, hurricanes, and of course, the ocean. Every day I would take pictures of the waves, trying to capture their power, strength, and turmoil to compare to grief, but there is no comparison, just as each wave is unique, so is grief.
My sister finds grief descriptions and grief quotes reading murder mysteries and sends them to me. This latest one is the best so far and it describes the ocean and grief the way I would like to but can’t. I’m posting it along with some of my favorite wave pictures.

11/22/2021

ONE MORE DAY

What would it feel like to talk to your loved one, hug them, hold them, feel their heartbeat; just one more day? Seems impossible doesn’t it, but in this world of technology, it actually happened, or did it?

Let me tell you what happened and why I think this is an unhealthy idea.

The younger generation knows what virtual reality (VR) is, but for those who don’t, I’d like to explain. I’ve written the explanation directly from the internet because there was no way to summarize this definition!!

“VR is an artificial environment that is created with software and presented to the user in such a way that the user suspends belief and accepts it as a real environment. On the computer, VR is primarily experienced through 2 of the 5 senses: sight and sound”.
https://whatis.techtarget.com>virtual . I feel this is important to know to be able to grasp what I want to share.

There are hundreds if not thousands of VR (virtual reality) games to choose from to be entertained for hours. Would you like to try a virtual rollercoaster ride? How about touring Europe without leaving the comfort of your home? Does exploring space sound like a great adventure for you? How about a VR where you can see your precious child who has died? Even interact with him/her?

I was recently shown a video where a mom was reunited with her daughter via Virtual Reality. One might think it was a moving, emotional video, but for me, it was heart-wrenching and upsetting as I watched this mother trying to grasp her little girl.

The process was very detailed and quite elaborate as a team of developers brought this child back from the dead so her mother could see her one more time.

To begin, the mom was thoroughly evaluated to determine she was emotionally stable to do this. She then brought in pictures, videos, and any voice recordings of her daughter to be used in the process.

Six little girl actresses were hired to simulate the little girl’s looks, voice, and mannerisms making them look as much like the child as possible. The developers also wanted the mom to be able to actually interact with her child, making conversation as real as possible.

After many days and hours of practice, it was time for the mom to put on the VR goggles and meet her child. She instantly started sobbing and wailing when she saw her, frantically reaching for her daughter to hug and kiss her, hugging the air instead. There was no real interaction with her little girl, just scripted words anticipated a child would say to her mother, the voice sounding unnatural and robotic. The child didn’t even look like the pictures the mom brought in.

At the end of the video, the scene showed the mom laughing with her children and engaging in life again. The developers considered VR as a major development in helping those who are grieving.

Here’s my problem with this whole thing……. IT ISN'T REAL!
The definition of VR clearly states that the user “suspends belief”. I can see how this could be so tempting for grieving parents, but I’m deeply concerned about the after-effects.

The child is a culmination of six girls similar in age and size to the child who died. It wasn’t her voice, there were no hugs. Just REALITY!! Her child is physically gone forever and can’t come back.

I see a huge risk for complicated grief if this becomes a program that can be purchased by individuals. Will they watch it every day instead of living each day? How will it affect relationships with other family members? At the end of the video, the mother said she wished the VR could be as her child would look today. It’ll never be enough.

No one likes to experience the pain and heartache of grief. Emotions are overwhelming and confusing, affecting a person on all levels. The grief experience is as unique as a fingerprint, no one grieves alike.

There are no shortcuts through grief, no quick fix. Grief demands expression, and when it is ignored, or denied, it will find a way to present itself, whether it be physically, emotionally, behaviorally, and/or thought processes.

I feel to pretend a person didn’t die through VR has the potential to be more harmful than comforting. As soon as the goggles are removed, what damage has been done to the emotional well-being of the parent whose child was out of reach.

I feel like I’m starting to ramble, so it’s time to stop, but I plan on writing more about this in my next blog.

There’s a song by Diamond Rio called “One More Day”.

Here are some of the lyrics; “One more day, one more time, one more sunset maybe I’d be satisfied.”

“But then again, I know what I would do, leave me wishing still for one more day with you.” That's the reality of grief.

Thank you for reading, Kathy

07/26/2020

I am seeing clients in my office, following CDC guidelines, and
telehealth sessions if requested.

05/26/2020

Throughout this pandemic, I have been thinking of those who have lost a loved one prior to Covid 19 and during, and pray the love and support so needed is being provided.
I have decided to start seeing clients in my office next week with the CDC regulations. You can visit my website at www.griefrollercoaster.com to request a session, or call at 815 416 9036.

We're a Grief and Loss Counseling provider that offers compassionate help to those experiencing grief and/or loss.

04/16/2020

As the Coronavirus continues to advance, so do my concerns for those grieving the death of a loved one prior to the pandemic. I think it is inspiring to read the posts on social media addressing all aspects of this pandemic, from what it feels like to have the virus, to recovery, to how everyone is being so creative while staying at home. My heart breaks when I read the experiences from the front line and the frustration and confusion brought upon by politics. This can be so overwhelming at times as we face the uncertainty of our world as it is now and will be in the future.

Prior to the Covid-19 epidemic, those mourning the death of a loved one would share on social media how they’re grieving through pictures, grief quotes, and videos of their loved one. These expressions of grief provided the connection and support so needed, but now there is very little shared about individual grief, overshadowed by the global grief.

As I’ve said in prior articles, each grief experience is unique with no comparison. I think though, that there is the assumption from some who experienced a loss prior to the pandemic, that others don’t necessarily want to hear about their grief due to the chaos of today. Maybe it isn’t a matter of choice but rather the inability of others to listen due to the current situation.

From the several clients I have seen via telehealth or phone, the main impact of the shelter in place seems to be the physical separation from family and friends. Most had been working, which provided the structure and distraction from their grief, but now they are home alone, intensifying their grief. Family members and friends continue to provide support from calls and texts, but without that much-needed hug.

There tends to be discount and insensitivity by some when a pet dies, after all, pets are replaceable. For some, the grief when their pet dies can be as profound as the death of a person. After all, a pet provides love, acceptance, and companionship, and is considered a family member, especially for those who live alone.

I had asked a client how and if the pandemic has affected her grief, and I was speechless when she responded that she doesn’t know how she fits in a world that has already been turned upside down following the unexpected death of her toddler a couple of years ago. She describes feeling confused and lost in a world that keeps spinning.

I’ve given a lot of thought to these situations and what would help someone who is grieving, and I have a few thoughts on what can help. I know we’re all grieving losses with this global crisis, but it would help to consciously shift gears and think about your friend/ family member who is grieving. Here are a few suggestions:

• Don’t text, but call your friend/family member so they can hear a caring voice and tell them you’re concerned about them.

• Mention their loved one’s name.

• It’s unrealistic to not talk about today’s crisis, so ask your friend/family member about their grief with the virus along with the grief of their loved one.

• Send a handwritten note telling them you’re thinking of them.

For all of us, our world has turned upside down and will never return to the way it was before. That doesn’t mean it will be bad but it will be different, and as we grieve our old lives, we gradually adjust to our new ones.

Please remember those whose world was upside down before all of this occurred and reach out to them so they won’t feel like an invisible griever.

Thank you for reading and please stay healthy!

https://griefrollercoaster.com/our-upside-down-world/