08/19/2026
We’re sometimes way too quick to call something a “personality trait”, with such a negative voice.
“She’s controlling.”
“He’s a people-pleaser.”
“She’s too sensitive.”
“He doesn’t trust anyone.”
“She has to do everything herself.”
But what if some of those things aren’t really who you are?
What if they’re things you learned to do because, at some point, they worked?
Maybe controlling things helped you feel a little less out of control with a parent that parentified you.
Maybe people-pleasing kept the peace with someone aggressive and big
Maybe perfectionism helped you avoid criticism from@your narcissist mother.
Maybe over-explaining came from constantly having to prove that your perspective was valid and you were worth it.
And maybe being completely independent meant you never had to risk needing someone who let you down.
These may not serve you in present day, but it means it once did. And I think that distinction matters so much in trauma work.
Because you can want to change a pattern without hating the part of YOU that developed it.
