Emily H. Sanders, LMFT

Emily H. Sanders, LMFT Psychotherapy for Individuals and Couples. Specialty areas include: Anxiety, Relationship Issues, Attachment wounds, and divorce recovery.

Fill out a contact form on my website to work with me. (CA residents only)
www.emilyhsanders.com Teen Therapy; Parent Coaching

What breaking cycles in your family of origin looks like is unique to you and your family; these are a few common ones f...
09/12/2026

What breaking cycles in your family of origin looks like is unique to you and your family; these are a few common ones found in dysfunctional families.

It takes courage to look at what isn’t working in your family, to let yourself question how things have always been, and to try to do things differently (and often in the face of people telling you to stop.)

May we level up with each generation ✨

What are you breaking in your family?

Dismissing or minimizing someone’s hurtful experiences can have detrimental future consequences. Be careful with your wo...
09/11/2026

Dismissing or minimizing someone’s hurtful experiences can have detrimental future consequences. Be careful with your words and the implications they carry.

A little validation goes a long way. See the second slide for suggestions.

What dismissive statements have you heard?

I’ll just gently set this here and back away….One of the gifts we can give our children is our own self awareness, and t...
09/10/2026

I’ll just gently set this here and back away….

One of the gifts we can give our children is our own self awareness, and to care for ourselves through:
• learning our own triggers
• grieving what we never actualized in our own life
• facing our regrets and mistakes
• strengthening our ability to hold our own big feelings
• paying attention to what currently is unfulfilled in our life.

We must be cautious of projecting* our own 💩 onto our children. If we are not careful, we may be drawn to “care for ourselves” through caring for our children, guiding them with direction that does not fit them.

May we as parents continue to push towards our own growth and enjoyable lives.

Here is your gentle reminder not to lose your creativity, passions, and dreams as you move through life- hold them as your OWN ♥️

———
* Quick lesson just because- Projecting is when we take our own feelings, desires, struggles and put them onto others; we see people through the lens of our own experience/feelings.

This can be done consciously (we are aware we are doing it) or unconsciously (we are not aware we are doing it.)

Most often, it is the feelings that we don’t like or don’t want to look at in ourselves that will be unconsciously put on others. (Like the father who feels like a failure deep down, who tells his child “You’ll never amount to anything” or “Don’t bother trying.” That’s where projection gets extra tricky, and where we can find ourselves struggling to see ourself or others clearly in highly emotional moments. For example, if we have deep regret over a decision we made, we may try to “protect” everyone from that same decision — 1. People may not need/want that protection. 2. You are avoiding your own feelings of grief and regret by focusing on others’ decisions.

Unconsciously it feels safer to look at our own feelings that way- when we project we are able to see our feelings from a distance, we don’t have to pull them close or own them- but that distance stops us from healing.

There not have been much safety when you were young, but the safety and love you need is available out in the world. Hea...
09/09/2026

There not have been much safety when you were young, but the safety and love you need is available out in the world. Healing can be hard, but it’s possible ❤️‍🩹

Which did you need to hear today?

——

Reading recommendations:

• “What My Bones Know: A Memoir of Healing from Complex Trauma” by Stephanie Foo
• “It Didn’t Start With You” by Mark Wolynn
• “Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents” by Lindsay Gibson
• “Adult Children of Alcoholics” by Janet Woititz
• “The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read” by Philippe Perry

Here are some thoughts on trying to create a middle ground with emotional and physical boundaries. This may be especiall...
09/07/2026

Here are some thoughts on trying to create a middle ground with emotional and physical boundaries.

This may be especially important if you have a parent with a significant mental illness, personality disorder, addiction, is abusive, or extremely emotionally immature. Often if one of these factors is present, more than one is present!

(This content can also apply to parents attempting to navigate their painful relationship with an adult child.)

A few thoughts/ nuances:
• sometimes full cut-off IS the only way to create safety, sadly.
• sometimes you need to go full no contact first to then be able step into limited contact.
• you don’t need to announce to your parent that you’re going low contact; that creates more conflict and is unhelpful. You just do it intentionally and with personal conviction/clarity.
• You may need to set clear boundaries with certain subject matter: “I do not want to discuss my finances; if you bring it up again I’ll need to hop off the phone.”
• regardless, it’s important to do you own healing work to be able to navigate this relationship.

If you’ve had to limit contact with a parent, what things did you set in place to help you preserve your relationship?

This is some of the hardest emotional work many of us will have to do. It’s painful to sit with the reality that we can’...
09/06/2026

This is some of the hardest emotional work many of us will have to do. It’s painful to sit with the reality that we can’t change our parent, we can’t rescue them, bring them soundness of mind, or teach them empathy.

It’s a lot of work to hold compassion for them in one hand, and the heaviness of our hurt in the other.

———

Those looking to heal from their upbringing may find it helpful to:
• Create some physical and emotional distance from the parent. This does not have mean full cut-off, unless you determine this is necessary for healing. Creating space can look like not asking for advice from the parent, decreasing frequency/length of phone calls, or sharing fewer personal details with the parent.
• Acknowledge the pain that was caused- see the root and current effects your upbringing had on you.
• Take care of your childhood wounds- read books, go to therapy, grieve, develop a compassionate voice for “little you” who faced so much criticism.

❤️‍🩹Suggested reading:
• Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay Gibson
• Self Care for Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay Gibson
• Coping with Critical, Demanding, and Dysfunctional Parents by David Allen
• It Didn’t Start With You by Mark Wolynn
• Narcissistic Mothers: How to Handle a Narcissistic Parent and Recover from CPTSD by Caroline Foster
• Set Boundaries, Find Peace by Nedra Glover Tawwab

Having an estranged family member of any kind is an *extremely sensitive* topic for most- regardless of whether the estr...
09/05/2026

Having an estranged family member of any kind is an *extremely sensitive* topic for most- regardless of whether the estrangement was their choice or not. There’s still a lot of stigma around estrangement, regardless of whether it’s by choice or by unfortunate circumstance.

For those that have made the decision to remove a parent from their life, it’s often very painful and a decision that feels like a last resort.

Do your best to withhold judgment, and remember that many adult children have spent years fighting for a relationship with their parent- wrestling with the fact that the person who is supposed to love and protect them also causes them harm.

There may have been years of abuse, manipulation, danger, or toxicity that have contributed to the decision.

Often that individual HAS already struggled with feeling selfish for their decision, trying to forgive and set boundaries, attempting to create a mutual healthy relationship; they’ve grappled with what their faith tells them to do, and fears future regret.

➡️ Instead of saying one of the above statements, keep it simple, and consider saying something like:

• While I don’t understand all that’s gone into this decision, I respect you trying to do what’s best for you.
• I can only imagine what a long road it’s been to lead you to this point.
• I’m open to hearing whatever part of your story you want to share with me.
• I can’t replace your family but I want you to know how much I care about you.

“I did my best.” 👉🏼 one of the most common responses a parent gives when their adult child attempts to discuss the pain ...
09/04/2026

“I did my best.” 👉🏼 one of the most common responses a parent gives when their adult child attempts to discuss the pain points of their upbringing; it’s also one of the least helpful responses, unfortunately.

The vast majority of parents don’t set out to hurt their children…but hurt DOES happen even without intention. It can be incredibly overwhelming and painful to hear that you hurt the child that you love. Of course defenses are going to flare up to push away all of those awful feelings. Of course you want empathy from your child, and hope that they will have compassion on your choices.

Unfortunately, when you respond this way, you are indirectly communicating to your child that they don’t have a right to their feelings, that you still can’t handle their feelings, or that you don’t care.

In reality, your child bringing their hurt to you is a way of them trying to repair their relationship with you. Generally speaking, you can’t fix something that you don’t know has an issue. When a problem is brought to your attention, you can then begin to address it. The same is true of the relationship with your child- they are trying to make a connection.

Believe it or not, your child wants you to hear them out, to tell them you’re trying to understand, to tell them that they don’t have to protect your feelings, that you’re strong enough to take ownership over what didn’t go smoothly in their upbringing.

Here are a few ways you can consider responding if/when your child brings a point of tension up with you. As always, these words are just suggestions; take what works for you or use them as a springboard.

Adults who were often criticized or scrutinized as children can struggle with feelings of inadequacy, defensiveness, pro...
09/03/2026

Adults who were often criticized or scrutinized as children can struggle with feelings of inadequacy, defensiveness, procrastination, anxiety, and the need for perfection (not only in themselves, but in others as well.)

Criticism can look like:
• frequently pointing out mistakes
• blaming
• belittling
• high control
• never satisfied with child’s performance
• recognizing achievement only, never effort
• scrutinizing appearance
• (Critical behaviors often are paired with a lack of warmth, praise, and security.)

👉🏼Those looking to heal from their upbringing may find it helpful to:
• Create some physical and emotional distance from the parent. This does not have mean full cut-off, unless you determine this is necessary for healing. Creating space can look like not asking for advice from the parent, decreasing frequency/length of phone calls, or sharing fewer personal details with the parent.
• Acknowledge the pain that was caused- see the root and current effects your upbringing had on you.
• Take care of your childhood wounds- read books, go to therapy, grieve, develop a compassionate voice for “little you” who faced so much criticism.

❤️‍🩹Suggested reading:
• Coping with Critical, Demanding, and Dysfunctional Parents by David Allen
• It Didn’t Start With You by Mark Wolynn
• Narcissistic Mothers: How to Handle a Narcissistic Parent and Recover from CPTSD by Caroline Foster
• Set Boundaries, Find Peace by Nedra Glover Tawwab
• Self Care for Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay Gibson

Many caregivers do a good job at caring and providing for their child’s physical needs, which is important, of course. A...
09/02/2026

Many caregivers do a good job at caring and providing for their child’s physical needs, which is important, of course. After all, when we are left to figure out how to feed or shelter ourselves there’s no room left for emotional needs to even be considered.

BUT getting emotional needs met is very important, and contributes to our overall development and sense of well being. Sadly, many parents and caregivers struggle to meet emotional needs.

Unfortunately, we aren’t born knowing how to self regulate or soothe ourselves- these are skills we must learn through experience. When we are spoken to with care and nurtured we are able to take that experience and 1. Replicate it on our own and 2. Internalize that we are with caring for.

If as a child your caregivers didn’t have the capability to welcome your spectrum of emotions, validate you, or make you feel seen you may find that some of the above rings true.

I wish you had received what you needed when you needed it.

Life’s gift is that we are able to go out into the world and find people who can happily give us validation, affirmation, and warmth. (Yes, I know, there are also people in the world that will make you feel like you’re p**p.)

Here is your loving reminder that it is important to acknowledge and grieve what you didn’t receive when you were younger so you are more free to create a satisfying adulthood. ❤️‍🩹 What you weren’t able to find in your home/ family of origin DOES exist out in the world.

Which is the above rings true for you?

——

Cohen JR, Menon SV, Shorey RC, Le VD, Temple JR. The distal consequences of physical and emotional neglect in emerging adults: A person-centered, multi-wave, longitudinal study. Child Abuse Negl. 2017

Joanna Cahall Young, Cathy Spatz Widom,
Long-term effects of child abuse and neglect on emotion processing in adulthood, Child Abuse & Neglect, Volume 38, Issue 8, 2014

Kumari V. Emotional abuse and neglect: time to focus on prevention and mental health consequences. Br J Psychiatry. 2020

Address

Dove Street
Newport Beach, CA
92660

Opening Hours

Monday 10am - 1pm
Tuesday 9am - 4pm
Wednesday 9am - 3pm
Thursday 9am - 6pm
Friday 9am - 4pm

Telephone

+17145892307

Website

Alerts

Be the first to know and let us send you an email when Emily H. Sanders, LMFT posts news and promotions. Your email address will not be used for any other purpose, and you can unsubscribe at any time.

Contact The Practice

Send a message to Emily H. Sanders, LMFT:

Shortcuts

Featured

Share

Category