Emily H. Sanders, LMFT

Emily H. Sanders, LMFT Psychotherapy for Individuals and Couples. Specialty areas include: Anxiety, Relationship Issues, Attachment wounds, and divorce recovery.

Fill out a contact form on my website to work with me. (CA residents only)
www.emilyhsanders.com Teen Therapy; Parent Coaching

Resentment part 5 of 7- It is important to integrate the subject of acceptance with resentment. You may be very vocal an...
06/16/2026

Resentment part 5 of 7- It is important to integrate the subject of acceptance with resentment.

You may be very vocal and work hard to create change in your relationships, yet still nothing shifts.

I’m not going to say much in the comments; I prefer to let you to take whatever application feels appropriate for you- for your needs, limitations, and boundaries.

May you have the courage to face either what your relationship is able to be or will never able to be. ♥️

——

Book reccs:
- “Necessary Endings” by Henry Cloud
- “Set Boundaries, Find Peace” by Nedra Glover Tawwab
- “Good Boundaries and Goodbyes” by Lisa Terkheurst

(Please take a peek at the posts that come before this one for more context.)

Resentment; pt 3 of 7– I wish every slide in this post was its own post because there is so much nuance in relationships...
06/14/2026

Resentment; pt 3 of 7– I wish every slide in this post was its own post because there is so much nuance in relationships. BUT I am going to preface this post with several points:

1) Resentment is something many people face in their relationships (romantic, platonic, familial, or professional.) Resentment is a spectrum, and its presence in your relationship doesn’t mean the relationship is done.

2) It can be challenging to navigate resentment, especially for those who tend to be conflict avoidant. To a large extent resentment accumulates because — the frustrated individual either has not yet expressed their feelings/needs/limitations OR the frustrated person has expressed their feelings multiple times but nothing has changed so they’re no longer expressing. In both cases there is now something that isn’t being directly talked about but is affecting the relationship dynamic.

3) Dismantling resentment can be disheartening because relationships involve more than one person- you only have agency over your choices. These suggestions are meant to help you to turn inward to look at YOU- your relationship, your feelings, and your needs. (The latter points to direct you towards connecting in some way with the person who is frustrating you.)

While tough conversations are hard, it is important to address hurts and frustrations as quickly as possible so they aren’t given time to grow to unmanageable proportions.

👉🏾 My hope is these may help lead you to a better understanding of yourself and your relationship. If you’re dealing with a lot of resentment you may want to take these points of reflection slowly- journal on them or talk through them with a trusted person.

* As noted in the last slide, please be sensitive to when it is time to receive outside assistance. Depending on the nature and the length of time these concerns have existed, outside resources may very well be needed. (Handling addiction, infidelity, repeatedly broken trust, and/or abuse often fall under that category)

Resentment: pt 2 of 7- Resentment is a clue that something needs to change in the relationship, and it can prompt us to ...
06/13/2026

Resentment: pt 2 of 7- Resentment is a clue that something needs to change in the relationship, and it can prompt us to pivot into something *more* satisfying.

Creating room for this change is something BOTH persons are responsible for.

Unfortunately, there are some who find themselves in a relationship where their partner is less interested in mending wounds or investing more into the relationship.

Those feeling resentful may struggle to know where “their part” ends and where their “partner’s part” begins.

Here are a few ideas of where your responsibility lies. ➡️ For those who are struggling to get their partner to respond or put in effort you’ll likely find that #6 weighs heavily on you.

——
You’ll see this post was written in the context of a partnership, but the same principles can be applied to other kinds of relationships.

👉🏾 If you missed the previous post in this series be sure to take a peek for more context.

Resentment pt. 1 of 7– resentment often develops when someone feels they are experiencing unjust or unfair treatment. Th...
06/12/2026

Resentment pt. 1 of 7– resentment often develops when someone feels they are experiencing unjust or unfair treatment. There is a gap between how you *want* to be treated and how you *are* being treated.

Overtime, if no correction is made, no attempt to repair what has been damaged in the relationship, negative feelings build towards the person who is hurting you.

Unchecked resentment is dangerous because it leads to CONTEMPT, which is a common precursor to the ending of a relationship. (When we hold contempt, we “consider the person to be unworthy of respect or attention.”)

Harboring resentment is actually common strategy to keeping a relationship in tact- it’s an attempt to hold back anger in order to keep the peace. Often those who harbor resentment are fearful that their anger or frustration will damage the relationship. (This can be a conscious or unconscious worry.)

However….this is not an effective long term strategy, as tensions often build to the point of explosion or total shut down.

Resentment doesn’t go away on its own; it must be:
- Personally acknowledged
- Shared with the other individual
- Worked through with new strategies with both parties to address past hurt and avoid and/or handle future hurt.

How have feelings of resentment impacted your relationships in the past?

——

• Johnson-Saylor MT. An exploratory study of the experience of resentment. West J Nurs Res. 1986 Feb;8(1):49-62
• O’Dwyer, S. (2020). Meritocracy and resentment. Philosophy and Social Criticism, 46(9), 1146-1164.

Not all relationships are meant to last forever; some are only for a season or a reason. Every relationship gives us the...
06/11/2026

Not all relationships are meant to last forever; some are only for a season or a reason.

Every relationship gives us the chance to learn something about ourselves or the world.

May you learn to be gracious towards yourself as you navigate your relationships, and as you navigate the “you” that shows up in your relationships.

Breakup Book reccs:
- It’s Not Supposed to be This Way by Lysa TerKeurst (faith based)
- Getting Past Your Breakup by Susan Elliot
- Whole Again by Jackson MacKenzie (for toxic/abusive relationships)
- You Can Heal your Heart by Hay and Kessler (for breakup, divorce, or death)

It’s important (and fun!) to talk about what’s going well in your relationship. It is ALSO important to be able to gentl...
06/09/2026

It’s important (and fun!) to talk about what’s going well in your relationship. It is ALSO important to be able to gently visit the parts that need to be strengthened.

It takes courage and humility to ask your partner for feedback that could make you feel upset- particularly with yourself. And yet, what an incredibly loving thing to set your defenses aside to ask where you might improve.

If what you hear is hard to take in, thank your partner for being brave enough to be honest and let them know you’re going to think over what they shared. Ask more questions if you need clarification. Remind them that you love them, and consider offering an apology if one is warranted.

And be kind to yourself- relationshipping is hard work. You always have another opportunity to show up as the partner you want to be.

Death by a thousand cuts. Often, the connection and safety in a relationship isn’t lost because of one major blow- it ta...
06/08/2026

Death by a thousand cuts. Often, the connection and safety in a relationship isn’t lost because of one major blow- it takes many little hits over time. Most people aren’t out to hurt their partner on purpose, but little mindless actions that become patterns do long term damage when they go unaddressed.

Book to Consider:
- “If We’re Together, Why Do I Feel So Alone?” By Holly Parker
- “Missing Each Other” by Brodkin and Pallathra
- “Hold Me Tight” by Sue Johnson
- “Talk to Me Like I’m Someone You Love” by Nancy Dreyfus

This is by NO means an exhaustive list. Marriage is a big commitment, and you’re doing your best to find someone whose v...
06/07/2026

This is by NO means an exhaustive list. Marriage is a big commitment, and you’re doing your best to find someone whose values and vision for life aligns with yours.

The point isn’t to find someone agrees with you on everything- that isn’t realistic! (or necessary) It’s important to understand *where* you’re different and how you’ll navigate those differences together.

It’s crucial to discuss: life plans, finances, conflict & communication styles, core values & worldviews, and expectations & decision making.

Marriage is ultimately about finding a friend and teammate for life’s adventures and heartaches. 🫶🏼

What important questions should we add here?

Reminder: There should be space in our relationships for differences, needs, and questions…there should be space for you...
06/06/2026

Reminder: There should be space in our relationships for differences, needs, and questions…there should be space for your partner AND you.

Yes, there may be hard conversations around things boundaries and opinions, but it’s important to separate respectful conflict from conflict that leads to explosions, threats, punishing behavior, or silent treatment.

Be cautious of making excuses for the person, and instead pay attention to how the behavior is affecting you.

Healthy relationships will not require you to make yourself small to keep functioning.

Love is not all you need; being single is better than being with the wrong person. To be fair, you *do* need time with s...
06/05/2026

Love is not all you need; being single is better than being with the wrong person.

To be fair, you *do* need time with someone to discover the entirety of their character and how they fully show up in a relationship. We can all SAY the right things when we are auditioning for the role of boyfriend or girlfriend, but actually being able to execute is its own thing! The point of dating is to try to discover someone who will be a good partner; you won’t be able to see everything right away, so collect data as you go.

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1601 Dove Street, Suite 212
Newport Beach, CA
92660

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