Gary Malone Counseling, PLLC

Gary Malone Counseling, PLLC Accepting BCBS, United, Aetna, Cigna, Superior, and TriCare. Virtual sessions available.

Credentialed with various EAP programs (check your employer)

Counseling services for couples, adults, and teens.

Husbands, not making her mad isn't a good marriage strategy.Hear me out.I see it often when I'm working with couples. Wh...
08/20/2026

Husbands, not making her mad isn't a good marriage strategy.
Hear me out.

I see it often when I'm working with couples. When a husband decides he can’t make his wife happy (not his job to begin with, more on that later), he may settle for trying not to make her upset.

That can look like effort. He watches her mood, avoids certain subjects, keeps his head down, and says whatever ends the argument fastest. From the outside, he looks agreeable.

But, inside the marriage, he has gone missing.

And to reiterate what I said in the beginning, it is not your job to make your wife happy. She is responsible for her emotional life, just like you are responsible for yours.

But don’t use that truth as an escape hatch. You are still responsible for how you show up. Your honesty, effort, habits, and willingness to listen, initiate, and repair matter.

Caring about your wife’s feelings is healthy, but organizing your entire marriage around preventing them is not.

If your main goal is keeping her from getting upset, you will eventually start hiding. You’ll avoid necessary conversations, agree to things you don’t mean, give half-answers, and wait for her to bring up every problem. Then you’ll call the absence of an argument “peace.”

But peace is not the same as health.

A healthy marriage requires you to accept that your wife may sometimes be disappointed, frustrated, or angry with you and you must remain honest and engaged anyway.

You can listen without collapsing.
You can disagree without becoming cruel.
You can apologize without drowning in shame.
You can care about her feelings without trying to control them.

Stop asking only, “How do I keep her from getting upset?”

Ask better questions:
“What does this marriage need from me?”
“What conversation am I avoiding?”
“Where have I become passive?”
“What kind of husband do I want to be?”

You cannot build a healthy marriage alone. Repair requires two people working toward the same vision. But your choices should still line up with the man you want to be.

Your wife doesn’t need your highest marital goal to be staying out of trouble. She needs a partner and that requires more than trying not to make her mad.

I've recently had several conversations about emotional safety with my couples. Here are my thoughts... I believe it has...
08/11/2026

I've recently had several conversations about emotional safety with my couples. Here are my thoughts...

I believe it has two parts.

The first is the safety we experience with our partner. Can I be honest without being mocked, dismissed, punished, or given the silent treatment? Can we disagree and still treat each other with respect? When one of us causes hurt (eventually we will) because none of us came with perfect factory settings, can we own it and make things right?

The second is the safety we build within ourselves.

Do I trust myself to pay attention when something feels wrong. Do I trust myself to speak up, set a boundary, ask for what I need, and make hard choices when necessary?

In other words, I trust you to treat me with care. And I trust myself to speak up when something doesn't feel right.

Being a secure person (grounded, anchored, etc.) doesn’t make poor behavior acceptable. It simply means I don’t have to lose myself trying to keep the peace.

Internal safety isn’t a substitute for a safe partner. We need both.

The strongest relationships aren’t made up of two people who never hurt or disappoint each other. They’re made up of people who can be honest, take responsibility, repair what was damaged, and keep showing up with care.

That’s the kind of safety everything good can grow from.

I've been thinking about how important it could be each day to write down our intentions, schedule, and/or to-do list.No...
08/06/2026

I've been thinking about how important it could be each day to write down our intentions, schedule, and/or to-do list.

Not because we need *one more thing to do* (that would be a little ironic), but because at the end of the day our brain sometimes needs actual evidence we got stuff done.

Brains are weird. We can accomplish 14 things and still lie in bed obsessing over number 15 like the entire day was a complete failure.

I also had another thought…maybe a to-do list isn’t the only list we need.

There’s the **to-do list**:
What needs to get done?

There’s the **to-be list**:
Who do I want to be while I’m doing it?

Patient. Present. Curious. Kind. Grounded. Maybe someone who doesn’t completely lose his mind when I'm in traffic.

And then there’s the **non-negotiable list**:
What needs to be part of my day for the day to actually feel meaningful?

Time with my kids.
Connecting with my spouse.
Moving my body.
Being creative.
Sitting quietly for five minutes without someone needing something from me.

We’re pretty good at measuring our days by what we finished. But a productive day and a meaningful day aren’t always the same thing. So maybe the questions aren’t just: What do I need to do today?

Maybe they’re also:

Who do I want to be today?
And what do I refuse to leave out?

Because life can’t just be one long to-do list where the reward for finishing everything is…a brand-new to-do list.

I'm guilty of spending most of my time focused on what needs to work better in relationships. But, relationships also gr...
08/04/2026

I'm guilty of spending most of my time focused on what needs to work better in relationships. But, relationships also grow when we notice what is already good and worth celebrating.

Tonight, before you go to sleep, try making a relationship highlight reel with your partner. Each of you can write down:

- Trips or adventures you still talk about
- Hard seasons you’re proud you survived together
- Ordinary moments that felt especially safe or happy
- Times you made a great team
- Inside jokes that would concern an outside observer
- Moments when you felt deeply loved, understood, or chosen

Then share your lists.

You may be surprised by what your partner remembers. It'll also help you remember your relationship is more than the daily chores, calendars, conflicts, and the random pile of laundry on the kitchen table.

Appreciation doesn’t mean ignoring what needs attention. It means intentionally remembering what you’ve built and why it’s worth continuing to nurture.

At the minimum, today ask each other this question: What is one moment from our relationship that you always look back on fondly?

Most spouses I talk with could give me a painfully detailed performance review of their partner. They can tell me what’s...
07/27/2026

Most spouses I talk with could give me a painfully detailed performance review of their partner. They can tell me what’s missing, what needs to change, and the 18 ways their spouse is doing marriage wrong. When I ask them, “How are you showing up?” I often get blank stares.

It makes sense. When a relationship feels bad, our eyes naturally go to the other person. But the more I focus on managing someone I cannot control, the more anxious I usually become.

My brain starts watching, predicting, chasing, convincing, keeping score, or building a case. That’s a miserable way to live. Also a terrible way to love.

Turning the focus toward yourself doesn’t mean pretending your partner’s behavior is okay. It doesn’t mean becoming the only person responsible for the marriage. And it sure as hell doesn’t mean tolerating abuse. It means returning to the one person you can actually lead: You.

Here are seven questions worth asking:
What kind of spouse do I want to be, even when I’m disappointed?
Am I speaking honestly and directly, or hoping my mood will do the talking?
Am I listening to understand, or just waiting to prove my point?
When I’m hurt, do I move toward clarity or punishment, withdrawal, and scorekeeping?
Can I own my part without taking ownership of theirs?
Are my boundaries protecting what is good, or are they attempts to control what my partner does?
Am I staying aligned with the kind of love I say I want to give?

Focusing on yourself doesn’t guarantee your spouse will change. That’s not the point. It helps you become more grounded, less reactive, and much clearer about what is and isn’t okay. You can speak firmly without exploding. Set a boundary without playing games. Ask for change without begging.

Your spouse’s behavior matters, but you will lose yourself trying to manage it.

A better question than “When will they become the partner I need?” might be:
“Who do I want to be in this marriage and what do I need to do next to remain aligned with that?”

Couples come into my office wanting to communicate better, but most of the time, communication isn’t the deepest problem...
07/21/2026

Couples come into my office wanting to communicate better, but most of the time, communication isn’t the deepest problem. Safety is.

I'm not talking about physical safety. I'm talking about...

Can I tell you I’m hurt without you immediately defending yourself?
Can I disagree without being punished, dismissed, or shut out?
Can I tell you what I need without having to manage your reaction?
Can you hear how your behavior affects me without turning the conversation into everything I’ve done wrong?

Emotional safety doesn’t mean nobody gets upset. It doesn’t mean avoiding conflict or carefully tiptoeing around each other. It means we can tell the truth and trust that neither of us will use it as a weapon.

If you want to know how your relationship is actually doing, ask your partner: Do you feel emotionally safe with me?

Then be quiet.

Don’t explain.
Don’t defend.
Don’t correct their experience.

Listen.

Because the real test of emotional safety isn’t whether they give the “right” answer. It’s what you do when they tell you the truth.

You can’t build intimacy where honesty keeps getting punished.

Sometimes what we call “keeping the peace” is really just abandoning ourselves quietly. It's when you start paying atten...
07/15/2026

Sometimes what we call “keeping the peace” is really just abandoning ourselves quietly. It's when you start paying attention to their mood before you say what you actually think.

You wait for the “right time.” You soften it. You let things go. You tell yourself it’s not worth the argument...and maybe, in the moment, it works.

No blowup. No ruined evening. No tension. But after a while, you realize the peace only exists because you keep disappearing. That’s not peace.

That’s fear with good manners.

I see this a lot in relationships. One person gets upset, and the other immediately starts scrambling.

How do I fix this?
How do I calm them down?
What do I need to say so this stops?

And somewhere in all of that, they stop asking what they actually think, feel, need, or believe. Being healthy doesn’t mean you stop caring that your spouse is upset. It means their being upset doesn’t automatically mean you did something wrong.

You can listen. You can take responsibility when you need to. You can change when change is needed, but you don’t have to hand someone else the authority to decide who you are every time they’re disappointed in you.

That may feel selfish at first, especially if you’ve spent years believing love means keeping everyone comfortable, but you are allowed to stay in the room too.

A healthy relationship needs two people who are both allowed to exist.

Not one person having emotions and the other person walking on eggshells trying to survive them.

One thing I wish more couples understood is that a “no” does not have to be a dead end...it can be a detour.Because simp...
07/08/2026

One thing I wish more couples understood is that a “no” does not have to be a dead end...it can be a detour.

Because simply “no” can hit hard in a relationship.

No, I don’t want to go.
No, I’m not ready to talk.
No, I don’t have the energy.
No, I can’t do that tonight.

And before you know it, the other person is hearing way more than what was actually said.

They hear:
You don’t want me.
You’re rejecting me.
You don’t care.
I should stop trying.

Which may not be true at all.
Sometimes “no” just means:
I’m tired.
I’m overwhelmed.
That feels like too much pressure.
I want connection, just not in that exact way.
I need something smaller right now.

That’s why I like the idea of a “No, but...”

Not the annoying kind of “but” where someone says, “I hear you, but…” and then proceeds to not hear you at all. I mean the connecting kind. It can sound like:

“No, I can’t do Saturday night, but I could do coffee Sunday morning.”
“No, I’m not ready to have the whole conversation right now, but I can sit with you for a few minutes.”
“No, that feels like too much, but I’d be willing to try something smaller.”

That little second half matters. It tells the other person, “I’m not saying yes to that, but I’m also not closing the door on you.” and that’s a big deal.

A lot of couples don’t need to stop having boundaries. They just need boundaries that don’t sound like abandonment, because love is not saying yes to everything.

Sometimes love says, “Not that. Not tonight. Not like that.”, but healthy love also says, “Here’s where I can meet you.”

That’s how couples rebuild trust in small pieces. Not with some dramatic Notebook-style speech in the rain. Usually it’s way less cinematic and way more boring.

It’s two people learning:

I can be honest without being cruel.
You can hear no without spiraling.
We can adjust without calling it failure.

That’s not a dead end, that’s a detour. Somewhere to go...together.

Some people are really good leading at work.They make decisions.They handle pressure.They tell people what needs to happ...
07/06/2026

Some people are really good leading at work.

They make decisions.
They handle pressure.
They tell people what needs to happen.
They solve problems.

Then they come home and try to do marriage the same way. That usually goes about as well as throwing a chair into a ceiling fan.

There’s a difference between 'command presence' and 'relational presence'.

Command presence is great to utilize at work. It works when you’re managing people, leading a team, making calls, handling problems, or trying to keep things from falling apart.

But marriage is different.

Your spouse doesn’t always need you to take charge in the same way you do at work. Sometimes they need you to slow down. Sometimes they need you to listen. Sometimes they need warmth before they need truth, and this can be challenging for most people.

Especially people who spend all day being responsible, direct, efficient, and in control.

They walk in the house still in work mode and their spouse says something small, and suddenly they’re cross-examining them like this is a felony investigation.

“What do you mean by that?”
“When did I say that?”
“That’s not what happened.”
“Here’s what you’re not understanding.”

Calm down, Nancy Drew. This is your marriage, not a deposition.

The problem usually isn’t that someone is too strong, it's that they don’t know how to soften their strength.

Directness is good, but directness without warmth feels like criticism.
Leadership is good, but leadership without listening feels controlling.
Being honest is good, but honesty without care can feel like getting hit with a shovel.

You don’t have to become weak to love well and you don’t have to lose your edge. You just have to learn when your edge is cutting the person you love.

That’s relational presence.

It sounds like:
“I’m listening.”
“Help me understand.”
“I may see this differently, but I don’t want to fight.”
“I’m not trying to come at you.”
“I care about this because I care about us.”

That’s not soft, that’s mature.

Lead at work. Love at home. Stop bringing your job voice into your marriage.

Most couples don’t need another communication tool. They need a shared vision. They need a conversation about what they'...
07/01/2026

Most couples don’t need another communication tool. They need a shared vision. They need a conversation about what they're actually trying to build.

I hear “we need to communicate better” everyday from my couples, but it's often a mask for...
I want to feel chosen.
I want to stop feeling alone in this house.
I want to know we’re still building something and not just co-managing bills, kids, laundry, etc.

I find the life of Jesus fascinating. One of the most piercing questions he asked people over and over was surprisingly simple, “What do you want?”

Not, “Can you explain your theology?”
Not, “Can you win this argument?”
Not, “Can you prove you’re the mature one?”

Rather, "What do you want?" And if you can answer that question honestly it will absolutely wreck your marriage in the best way.

Because most couples are fighting about the surface things.
The dishes.
The tone.
The spending.
The phone.
The s*x.
The in-laws.
The way one of you chews too loud.

But underneath that...

Do you want peace?
Power?
Closeness?
Control?
Respect?
Safety?
To be pursued?
To not feel like the only adult in the room?
To stop feeling like love means losing yourself?

Until a couple can answer that, they’ll keep arguing about symptoms and calling it “working on the marriage.”

Jesus didn’t just manage behavior. He went after desire. Because what we want shapes who we become and that’s in marriage, too.

A couple without a shared vision will eventually default to survival. They’ll handle the calendar, pay the bills, raise the kids, and slowly forget there was ever supposed to be a “we” in the middle of all of it.

So maybe the better question isn’t, “How do we stop fighting?”
Maybe it’s, "What kind of marriage are we trying to build?"

What do we want our home to feel like?
What do we want our kids to learn about love by watching us?
What kind of people do we want to become because we belong to each other?

Because you can't build a marriage on autopilot and then act shocked when it crashes.

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