04/28/2026
When we are with friends who are struggling or suffering, we are tempted to fill the inevitable awkward silence with an encouraging comment. Too often, we say something that is not helpful and might even be harmful.
“Everything happens for a reason,” is often meant to be a comforting sentiment. We may have heard it from someone we admire or we may have said it ourselves.
Actually, the comment has the opposite effect on someone who’s experiencing difficulty. The statement denies that the sufferer has agency in their situation in one of two ways: 1. A person’s life is controlled by some force or power over which they have no control. 2. Denies the possibility that a person’s situation is the result of previous decisions that produced an unwanted outcome.
Neither of these implications is helpful. Sometimes, “stuff” just happens because Life can be random, where there’s no particular cause behind an effect. Other times, we must deal with the consequences of choices we made.
If you are tempted to quote this adage, don’t! Your friend or loved one doesn’t need or want “wise words” from you. They need you to be fully present and actively listen, if they choose to share their thoughts with you.
When someone needs help dealing with a difficult situation, or with learning how to make better choices, help is best left to a trained professional. If you or someone you love needs this kind of help, you can depend on SABHS to provide just the right assistance. Visit sabhs.org to learn how you can reach out to us.
