Janette Robinson, MFT

06/06/2026

hey'd been together for twelve years. The kids were finally sleeping through the night, life had settled into something manageable - and yet they felt further apart than ever.

She wasn't sure she wanted to stay. She hadn't said it out loud yet, but she'd been thinking it for a while. He knew something was wrong but kept telling himself things would get better once life slowed down. They hadn't talked, really talked, in longer than either of them could remember.

A friend suggested couples therapy. So they called.

But when we spoke, it became clear pretty quickly that couples therapy wasn't quite where they were. She wasn't ready to commit to working on something she wasn't sure she wanted. And he was hoping a therapist would somehow convince her to stay. Neither of those is a good starting place for couples therapy.

What they needed first was something different. A slower process. A few sessions to get honest, individually and together, about where they each actually stood. No pressure to fix anything. No homework. Just some space to figure out what they actually wanted to do - and whether what they had was worth saving.

That's what Discernment Counseling is for. And most people have never heard of it.

If any of this sounds familiar, it's worth knowing that ambivalence about a relationship is not a character flaw. It's not weakness. It's not a sign that the decision has already been made somewhere underneath. It usually means the opposite: that this matters, and you're taking it seriously. That's exactly the right starting place.

If you'd like to read more about Discernment Counseling - what it is, how it's different from couples therapy, who it's for, and what the process actually looks like - click https://jrmft.com/blog

Janette Robinson, MFT

06/04/2026

"How could you do that if you loved me? You just don't get me. We just don't work."

Many of the couples who come to see me are like this one... They had been together for fifteen years. They loved each other - both of them would tell you that. But nothing either of them did ever seemed to be enough. One of them was walking on eggshells, never quite sure what would land wrong. The other felt like their partner just didn't love them anymore. Neither one understood why everything had gotten so hard.

What they didn't know was that they were living inside something with a name. It's called Negative Sentiment Override - and it's what happens when enough hurt builds up over time that the brain starts scanning for threat, even where there isn't one. A forgotten chore becomes a sign of indifference. A distracted response becomes proof that you're not loved. The generosity you used to give each other quietly disappears.

And often, both partners are in it at the same time. Each one has stopped taking risks. Stopped being vulnerable. Stopped reaching toward the other. Not out of indifference - but out of exhaustion. And feeling unseen by the person who is supposed to know you best is its own kind of hurt.

The good news: it doesn't have to stay that way.

Here's one thing you can do today. Spy on your partner. Catch them doing something right. The dishes aren't just dishes - they're thoughtfulness. Dinner brought home after work isn't just convenience - it's generosity. Look at them. Say their name. Tell them what you noticed, and what it says about who they are.

And then, do it again. Tomorrow.

Sometimes, when you start doing this, they start doing it too.

If you'd like to read more about Negative Sentiment Override, what it is, why it happens, and how couples find their way back, click https://jrmft.com/blog

05/30/2026

What if you could do three months of therapy in a single weekend?

The couples who need therapy most are often the ones whose lives leave no room for it.

They cancel because of a work emergency. They reschedule, build some momentum, and then their kid gets sick. Weeks go by. By the time they find their way back, they feel like they're starting over.

And it's not just work. It's the four kids' sports teams, the school volunteering, the aging parents, the babysitter they'd have to hire every Tuesday night so they could come to therapy - while they already feel guilty about how much time work takes them away from their kids.

Life is full. Beautifully, exhaustingly full. And somewhere in all of it, the relationship waits its turn.

What if they could get a sitter for just one weekend? Step out of their lives for two or three days and do three months of therapy, all at once, face to face - without the clock running out just when something real starts to surface?

That's marathon therapy. Also called a couples intensive. And for a lot of couples, it changes everything.

It's not a quick fix. It's real work - the kind that builds momentum instead of losing it, that pushes through the hard things instead of circling them, that gives couples the time and space to actually understand each other.

If you'd like to read more about marathon therapy - what it is, what to expect, who it's for, and how it works - click www.jrmft.com/blog

Janette Robinson, MFT San Francisco and Placerville, CA

—————————

Not ready for an intensive yet? Here's something to do now.

Set aside a weekend and read a book together.
What Makes Love Last? by John Gottman - especially if trust, disconnection, or betrayal is at the center of things.
Hold Me Tight by Sue Johnson - if the emotional underpinning of your relationship feels like the place to start.
Or commit to one date a week - at home if necessary - and work through Eight Dates by John and Julie Gottman together.
Sometimes the best first step is simply deciding to show up for each other.

05/18/2026

Your relationship is like a house.

I've been using this framework in my practice for years...it’s called the Sound Relationship House, developed by Dr. John Gottman, and I keep coming back to it because it's one of the clearest, most practical ways I know to look at what's actually going on in a relationship.

Seven levels. Two walls. Each one building on the one below it.

Some couples come in with a solid foundation but a leaky roof. Some have big dreams for the house but the ground floor is crumbling. Most of us have a mix of strong spots and places that need real attention, and that's okay. That's human.

Here's what the seven levels look like:

Level 1: Love Maps. How well do you actually know each other's inner world?
Level 2: Fondness & Admiration. Do you still see what's good in your partner, and do you tell them?
Level 3: Turning Toward. Are you showing up in the small, everyday moments?
Level 4: The Positive Perspective. Do you give each other the benefit of the doubt?
Level 5: Managing Conflict. Not eliminating it, learning to move through it without leaving damage behind.
Level 6: Making Life Dreams Come True. Does your partner feel like you genuinely care about what they want out of life?
Level 7: Creating Shared Meaning. The rituals, values, and identity you build together that make your relationship yours.
And holding it all up? Two walls: Trust and Commitment.

Which level do you think is the strongest in your relationship right now, and which one needs some work?

If you'd like to learn more, go to www.jrmft.com.

05/13/2026

Q***r Couples and Couples Therapy-You Deserve More.

You are worthy of love, of joy, of a deep partnership. And you deserve a space where all of that is not just accepted, but celebrated.

Most couples come to therapy wanting the same things: to feel heard, to stop having the same fight, to find their way back to each other. Q***r couples are no different in that regard.

But there's often another layer. Sometimes several.

The psychological weight of loving someone in a world that wasn't always sure it would let you, that leaves marks. And those marks don't disappear just because the law changed.

As a Certified Gottman Therapist and Certified Narrative Therapist, I've found the combination of these methods to be transformative for q***r couples. The Gottman Method gives couples practical tools for breaking the patterns that erode even the most loving relationships, and for rebuilding the friendship at the center of a partnership. Narrative Therapy adds something equally important: the chance to examine the stories you've absorbed about love, commitment, and relationships, and ask which ones are actually yours.

The research backs up what I've seen in my own office: q***r couples not only benefit from Gottman-based therapy, they often thrive in it. And layering in the deconstructive work of Narrative Therapy, examining and rewriting the stories that have shaped how you see yourselves and each other, real healing becomes possible.
Your relationship is worth fighting for.

You are worthy of love, of joy, of a deep partnership. And you deserve a space where all of that is not just accepted, but celebrated.

If you'd like to learn more, go to: www.jrmft.com.

05/10/2026

Go do something nice for yourself this Mother's Day, even if relationships are complex. Happy Mother's Day!

Are you dreading Mother's Day because your adult child isn't in your life? It's important to honor yourself, no matter the reasons for the emotional cutoff.

05/08/2026

Are you losing yourself trying to hold onto the relationship?

Healthy love isn’t about enmeshment or emotional distance — it’s about staying connected while still being fully yourself. Differentiation allows couples to build intimacy without losing identity, creating space for both “me” and “us.” 💛

Read more from the Gottman Institute on enmeshment, detachment, and differentiation in relationships:

Find the right equilibrium in your relationship. Certified Gottman Therapist explains how to function within a healthy dynamic.

04/22/2026

Healthy couples don’t fight to win—they look for ways to understand, validate, and say “yes” where it matters.

What does "accepting influence" mean? Gottman therapist Sinead Smyth, breaks down this concept and how it is the way to resolve conflict.

04/20/2026

Busy schedules don’t have to mean drifting apart. 💛

Strong relationships aren’t built on big moments—they’re built on small, daily acts of appreciation. When couples intentionally share fondness and admiration—through simple check-ins, gratitude, and meaningful connection—they create a culture of love that keeps them close, even in the busiest seasons of life.

Sharing fondness and admiration for each other as a couple fits into your schedule no matter how busy you are.

04/17/2026

It’s not grand gestures—it’s the everyday moments.
3 rituals to keep your relationship strong and intentional.

Couples with marriages rich in habits, rituals, and traditions are more likely to keep the positive side of the relationship nurtured.