Janette Robinson, MFT

08/02/2026

Sharing the Load 50/50 Isn't the Problem: It's the Flex.

She has a full-time job. So does he. And yet she's the one who knows when the pediatrician appointment is due, which forms need to be turned in before the school year starts, and whose birthday party needs planning this month. When the party rolls around, he shows up, blows up balloons, helps with the cooler. He calls it even. She doesn't feel even. She feels like she hired a very willing assistant for a job she never wanted to run alone.

This is one of the most common conversations I have with couples, and it doesn't require anyone to be lazy or uncaring. It happens even in relationships where both partners work full time and genuinely love each other. The imbalance isn't about effort. It's about who's carrying the plan.

Eve Rodsky's book Fair Play has become one of the most useful tools for couples in exactly this spot. Her framework rests on a distinction that's easy to miss: doing a task isn't the same as owning it. Full ownership means Conception (noticing the task needs to happen at all), Planning (figuring out how it'll get done), and Ex*****on (actually doing it). The deepest resentment usually lives in the first two, the invisible parts.

But here's what I've noticed with my clients recently: once a couple has real equity, there's a second layer worth exploring. Partners often have different, complementary strengths. Some are natural planners, gifted at seeing three steps ahead. Others are natural executors, the kind of people who can take a list and move through it like nobody's business.

I worked with a couple recently who discovered exactly this. Once they recognized these as two different muscles, equally worth flexing, something changed. They felt less like boss and minion, and instead, more respected and more connected. (And yes, things got sexier, too.)

Equity is the floor, not the ceiling. The couples who feel most connected aren't just splitting tasks evenly. They're the folks stepping back and admiring each other's biceps.

One thing you can try: Sit down together and each name one household responsibility that feels natural to you, and one that consistently drains you. Compare lists. You may find your draining task is your partner's natural strength, and vice versa.

If you'd like to learn more, click www.jrmft.com/blog/sharing-the-load-5050-isnt-the-problem-its-the-flex.

07/06/2026

Why Pride Is Important, Especially Now

Recently, a friend asked me why I keep "she, her" visible on my profiles, emails, and signatures. He is a progressive straight man, cis-gender and successful, and he has a gay son he adores and supports without hesitation. But the pronouns, well, he just "doesn't get it."

I had only a minute to answer, so I kept it simple. I told him: "Because I want anyone who is sure about, or wondering about, their gender identity to know they are safe with me. And this visibility perhaps will also let anyone sure about, or wondering about, their sexual orientation know they are safe with me. Because one person they are safe with means one person who sees them as valued and loved and important in this world."

That, to me, is close to the heart of why Pride is important, especially now.

The last couple of years have brought a wave of legislation aimed at rolling back LGBTQIA+ rights, and the effect reaches far beyond statehouses. Many people who had grown comfortable being visible have quietly returned to old habits that once kept them safe: dropping hands on the sidewalk, softening how they dress, lowering their voices in public. Those are understandable acts of self-protection, not failures of confidence.

But this is exactly why Pride matters so much right now. It is both the tender reassurance that someone has their back and the fierce, self-respecting act of standing tall anyway. And it does not have to be loud to do its work; even watching Pride from the safety of home can deliver real validation.

Here is the part that matters for all of us. Because being visible carries more risk for LGBTQIA+ people right now, visible support from allies matters more than ever. You do not have to fully understand every gesture to offer it. Wear a rainbow pin. Put a small "safe space" sign on your desk or door. Share your pronouns. Speak up, gently or strongly, when a comment lands wrong. Each small act quietly says: you are safe with me.

Because being one person someone is safe with means being one person who sees them as valued, loved, and important in this world. You can be that person.

If you'd like to learn more, click www.jrmft.com/blog/why-pride-is-important

06/06/2026

They'd been together for twelve years. The kids were finally sleeping through the night, life had settled into something manageable - and yet they felt further apart than ever.

She wasn't sure she wanted to stay. She hadn't said it out loud yet, but she'd been thinking it for a while. He knew something was wrong but kept telling himself things would get better once life slowed down. They hadn't talked, really talked, in longer than either of them could remember.

A friend suggested couples therapy. So they called.

But when we spoke, it became clear pretty quickly that couples therapy wasn't quite where they were. She wasn't ready to commit to working on something she wasn't sure she wanted. And he was hoping a therapist would somehow convince her to stay. Neither of those is a good starting place for couples therapy.

What they needed first was something different. A slower process. A few sessions to get honest, individually and together, about where they each actually stood. No pressure to fix anything. No homework. Just some space to figure out what they actually wanted to do - and whether what they had was worth saving.

That's what Discernment Counseling is for. And most people have never heard of it.

If any of this sounds familiar, it's worth knowing that ambivalence about a relationship is not a character flaw. It's not weakness. It's not a sign that the decision has already been made somewhere underneath. It usually means the opposite: that this matters, and you're taking it seriously. That's exactly the right starting place.

If you'd like to read more about Discernment Counseling - what it is, how it's different from couples therapy, who it's for, and what the process actually looks like - click https://jrmft.com/blog

Janette Robinson, MFT

06/04/2026

"How could you do that if you loved me? You just don't get me. We just don't work."

Many of the couples who come to see me are like this one... They had been together for fifteen years. They loved each other - both of them would tell you that. But nothing either of them did ever seemed to be enough. One of them was walking on eggshells, never quite sure what would land wrong. The other felt like their partner just didn't love them anymore. Neither one understood why everything had gotten so hard.

What they didn't know was that they were living inside something with a name. It's called Negative Sentiment Override - and it's what happens when enough hurt builds up over time that the brain starts scanning for threat, even where there isn't one. A forgotten chore becomes a sign of indifference. A distracted response becomes proof that you're not loved. The generosity you used to give each other quietly disappears.

And often, both partners are in it at the same time. Each one has stopped taking risks. Stopped being vulnerable. Stopped reaching toward the other. Not out of indifference - but out of exhaustion. And feeling unseen by the person who is supposed to know you best is its own kind of hurt.

The good news: it doesn't have to stay that way.

Here's one thing you can do today. Spy on your partner. Catch them doing something right. The dishes aren't just dishes - they're thoughtfulness. Dinner brought home after work isn't just convenience - it's generosity. Look at them. Say their name. Tell them what you noticed, and what it says about who they are.

And then, do it again. Tomorrow.

Sometimes, when you start doing this, they start doing it too.

If you'd like to read more about Negative Sentiment Override, what it is, why it happens, and how couples find their way back, click https://jrmft.com/blog

05/30/2026

What if you could do three months of therapy in a single weekend?

The couples who need therapy most are often the ones whose lives leave no room for it.

They cancel because of a work emergency. They reschedule, build some momentum, and then their kid gets sick. Weeks go by. By the time they find their way back, they feel like they're starting over.

And it's not just work. It's the four kids' sports teams, the school volunteering, the aging parents, the babysitter they'd have to hire every Tuesday night so they could come to therapy - while they already feel guilty about how much time work takes them away from their kids.

Life is full. Beautifully, exhaustingly full. And somewhere in all of it, the relationship waits its turn.

What if they could get a sitter for just one weekend? Step out of their lives for two or three days and do three months of therapy, all at once, face to face - without the clock running out just when something real starts to surface?

That's marathon therapy. Also called a couples intensive. And for a lot of couples, it changes everything.

It's not a quick fix. It's real work - the kind that builds momentum instead of losing it, that pushes through the hard things instead of circling them, that gives couples the time and space to actually understand each other.

If you'd like to read more about marathon therapy - what it is, what to expect, who it's for, and how it works - click www.jrmft.com/blog

Janette Robinson, MFT San Francisco and Placerville, CA

—————————

Not ready for an intensive yet? Here's something to do now.

Set aside a weekend and read a book together.
What Makes Love Last? by John Gottman - especially if trust, disconnection, or betrayal is at the center of things.
Hold Me Tight by Sue Johnson - if the emotional underpinning of your relationship feels like the place to start.
Or commit to one date a week - at home if necessary - and work through Eight Dates by John and Julie Gottman together.
Sometimes the best first step is simply deciding to show up for each other.

05/18/2026

Your relationship is like a house.

I've been using this framework in my practice for years...it’s called the Sound Relationship House, developed by Dr. John Gottman, and I keep coming back to it because it's one of the clearest, most practical ways I know to look at what's actually going on in a relationship.

Seven levels. Two walls. Each one building on the one below it.

Some couples come in with a solid foundation but a leaky roof. Some have big dreams for the house but the ground floor is crumbling. Most of us have a mix of strong spots and places that need real attention, and that's okay. That's human.

Here's what the seven levels look like:

Level 1: Love Maps. How well do you actually know each other's inner world?
Level 2: Fondness & Admiration. Do you still see what's good in your partner, and do you tell them?
Level 3: Turning Toward. Are you showing up in the small, everyday moments?
Level 4: The Positive Perspective. Do you give each other the benefit of the doubt?
Level 5: Managing Conflict. Not eliminating it, learning to move through it without leaving damage behind.
Level 6: Making Life Dreams Come True. Does your partner feel like you genuinely care about what they want out of life?
Level 7: Creating Shared Meaning. The rituals, values, and identity you build together that make your relationship yours.
And holding it all up? Two walls: Trust and Commitment.

Which level do you think is the strongest in your relationship right now, and which one needs some work?

If you'd like to learn more, go to www.jrmft.com.

05/13/2026

Q***r Couples and Couples Therapy-You Deserve More.

You are worthy of love, of joy, of a deep partnership. And you deserve a space where all of that is not just accepted, but celebrated.

Most couples come to therapy wanting the same things: to feel heard, to stop having the same fight, to find their way back to each other. Q***r couples are no different in that regard.

But there's often another layer. Sometimes several.

The psychological weight of loving someone in a world that wasn't always sure it would let you, that leaves marks. And those marks don't disappear just because the law changed.

As a Certified Gottman Therapist and Certified Narrative Therapist, I've found the combination of these methods to be transformative for q***r couples. The Gottman Method gives couples practical tools for breaking the patterns that erode even the most loving relationships, and for rebuilding the friendship at the center of a partnership. Narrative Therapy adds something equally important: the chance to examine the stories you've absorbed about love, commitment, and relationships, and ask which ones are actually yours.

The research backs up what I've seen in my own office: q***r couples not only benefit from Gottman-based therapy, they often thrive in it. And layering in the deconstructive work of Narrative Therapy, examining and rewriting the stories that have shaped how you see yourselves and each other, real healing becomes possible.
Your relationship is worth fighting for.

You are worthy of love, of joy, of a deep partnership. And you deserve a space where all of that is not just accepted, but celebrated.

If you'd like to learn more, go to: www.jrmft.com.

05/10/2026

Go do something nice for yourself this Mother's Day, even if relationships are complex. Happy Mother's Day!

Are you dreading Mother's Day because your adult child isn't in your life? It's important to honor yourself, no matter the reasons for the emotional cutoff.

05/08/2026

Are you losing yourself trying to hold onto the relationship?

Healthy love isn’t about enmeshment or emotional distance — it’s about staying connected while still being fully yourself. Differentiation allows couples to build intimacy without losing identity, creating space for both “me” and “us.” 💛

Read more from the Gottman Institute on enmeshment, detachment, and differentiation in relationships:

Find the right equilibrium in your relationship. Certified Gottman Therapist explains how to function within a healthy dynamic.

04/22/2026

Healthy couples don’t fight to win—they look for ways to understand, validate, and say “yes” where it matters.

What does "accepting influence" mean? Gottman therapist Sinead Smyth, breaks down this concept and how it is the way to resolve conflict.