Anne C. Totero, LMFT

06/19/2026

I used to say “love is not enough.” And I meant all the hard work, compromise, communication. But this statement alone IS false because you don’t make all those sacrifices if there IS NOTTT love. It’s the driving force. Do I still believe as a and that you need all those other things? Yup. And. If you don’t have love and like? How do you sustain?

06/19/2026

Even if I screamed for him not to. It’s not a coincidence to me that 6 days after he moved in, I lost my brother, gained a doggy daughter a few months after that and in November 2017, my health shifted as we started our relationship. He sat with me as I saved myself from my own fire pit. Asking no questions. We were both in our 20s at that time. Nothing about this relationship made sense and it went against ALLLLLLL of my rules. Yet somehow? We keep defying and overcoming. Each year. Tony is a real one. He by no statistical means should be as sweet, kind or loving as he is. He’s literal sunshine in a human. And I never understand how he says the same about me. But that’s the point. You feel chosen and choose. I know God put us together. Oh, we have our sh ⭐️ t, you guys. Heavy stuff. But you keep evolving alongside and choosing each other. I was wrong. Love absolutely is enough.

06/19/2026

“What’s it like 8 years after a tragic loss?”

You’ve kept living your life. You’ve kept meeting goals. You build new relationships and sustain the healthy ones. You get so much better at that. You really turn sifting through someone’s true character much easier. You don’t dismiss a slow burn connection, you just move on from falling in love with the potential. You don’t wait for the exhale. You observe the inhale. Your nervous system gets used to saying no. To going out when you’re tired, to self destruction, to letting grief linger too long.

Because letting it linger is not honoring them.

Talk about them.
Share about them.
Yet don’t linger on loss.

This becomes a smothered pillow effect. Just enough to breathe but not enough to get out of bed because it’s oddly comforting.

What I do know is if you stay inside and isolate at home, your brain starts to shift. It sees it as comfort and safety. Like the concept of putting your bones out in the world becomes a threat. And that’s just not what they’d want. Someone who no longer has a life would not choose for us to sacrifice ours by staying inside with the shades shut.

So take this as a sign to open the shades, shower, get clothes on, and it doesn’t matter if you’re done up or right. Just be done with isolation if it’s lingering. Heal your broken heart.

Living life is honoring those we have loved.

So, today on the death anniversary, what am I doing? In honor of 8 years without my brother, I’m getting brisket AND sushi. Sharing the brisket with Friday girl in honor of him. I’m getting out in the sun ☀️. And I’m going to bed early. Even if it’s a Friday. Because I want to.

Evolve and heal on, my friends.

May your grief be the most annoying yet beneficial teacher of our lifetimes.

06/18/2026

I’ll hold her and love her so tight until you can again, Lukie. I promise.

06/16/2026

She’s been on this earth for 16 years. Luke got her for 8 and so did I. She is our soul dog. She kept him alive as long as he was and she saved my life. Both in grief and in my health journey. There’s so much attached to her loss. It’s not just her but him. I could hug her if I missed him. I could talk to her about him. I will show her mercy and love when it’s her time and NOT keep her here for me if she’s suffering. I also know I will both be comforted and destroyed. It’s almost time for them to run on the beach and each brisket together again. Friday is the death anniversary and her name is Friday. We WILL be eating brisket in honor of Luke.

06/14/2026

Professionals in therapy can confuse transparency and honesty.

Honesty is about saying what is true, and more importantly: NOT misleading.

Transparency is sharing relevant information, sometimes details that haven’t been requested.

When you omit a fact that could change someone’s understanding or a trajectory of a situation based on their understanding? Slippery slope.

One of my favorite statements as a couples therapist specializing in working with one or both clients with ADHD: “I wasn’t hiding it, you never asked.”

The client with ADHD is most likely being honest, yet not transparent. Sometimes they can be due to family of origin impact, past interpersonal or intimate relationship communication patterns, yet with ADHD, it sometimes can be deficits in working memory or rejection sensitivity. Purposeful or not, it impacts. Understanding impact and potential barriers is often a key point in this work. Sometimes resolve doesn’t = something changes in the pattern of thinking. Sometimes the change is increasing understanding.

For example:

☀️ Forgot to pay a bill but didn’t mention it.
☀️ Overspent and didn’t tell their partner.
☀️ Missed a deadline at work and kept it to themselves.
☀️ Agreed to something and forgot, but didn’t update their partner.

This can often times lead to tension and expanding further, tension surrounding trust, even about basic everyday completion of tasks. The secondary ripple? A winding road to fatigue for both involved. Fatigue in frontal lobe use, fatigue in patience, and more.

Bridging the gap and honesty, transparency, expectation, and facts can help couples. “What’s the impact of finding out something sooner rather than later?” “What happened when you were honest before you entered this relationship, and now after?” Aka engage the systems work!

Share any great questions you ask your clients about honesty and transparency.

06/13/2026

I know not everyone has ethical experiences. I know not all of us come with good intent. I know. I know all the movies and shows portray us as villains. Please consider real life, and the majority. I’m not asking you to change your mind about us, and please don’t impact someone else we’re helping who find it helpful.

06/13/2026

06/13/2026

I can speak for me and no one else. Every human I interact with, I consider and am compassionate. Yet those who have been my clients know me. They know that I don’t just treat them, I care. And I have not forgotten one of you. I think of you in passing. And my current clients, I’m busting my extra hours finding ways to help you while you heal your wounds. I am paid to treat, I’m not paid to care. Rhe care I give to others is me showing you my human.