07/16/2026
Real life for pregnant women and midwives.
Things my clients text me at 11pm:
"Is this weird tingling pain at the top of my belly normal?"
I mean, if your skin stretching to the literal point of tingling and numbness is normal... then yes. Absolutely. Your body is doing something incredible and also completely unhinged.
"I haven't pooped in four days."
Magnesium, friend. Magnesium. I'm not going to make you wait for this answer. Then hydrate, hydrate, hydrate.
"My legs are so swollen."
Yes. In this heat, after being on your feet all day, your legs can and will transform into stuffed sausages. This is your season. Invest in some Crocs and make peace with it.
"It feels like the baby is going to fall out at any second."
They won't. And honestly? If they did, you'd be one of the luckiest women alive. That's the dream scenario.
"I felt a weird zap in my cervix."
Lightning crotch. That's a real term and I use it with a completely straight face. It's rude. It's normal.
"How do I know if my water broke or if I p*ed?"
The sniff test, friend. Does it smell like p*e? Then congratulations, it's p*e. If it doesn't and it smells slightly sweet, call me.
"My toddler keeps jumping on my belly. Is that going to hurt the baby?"
Your baby is in a fluid-filled fortress specifically engineered to withstand big brother's antics. Baby's fine. But maybe encourage some gentleness for YOUR sake. You are not a trampoline.
"Should I be leaking colostrum all over my shirt? And my bed? And my partner? And apparently my dog?"
Congratulations. Your body is a functional dairy operation and it's opening early. Good sign. Get some pads for your bra.
"Everyone keeps telling me my belly is huge." / "Everyone keeps telling me my belly is too small."
People need to stop discussing the size of pregnant women's bodies. Full stop. Your belly is perfectly gestationally appropriate and everyone else needs a hobby.
"Is it normal to hate my husband's chewing this much?"
Yes. Hormones have turned you into an apex predator with supernatural hearing. He's fine. You're fine. He should probably eat in another room.
"Can I PLEASE have a turkey sandwich from Jersey Mike's?"
Here’s the thing nobody tells you: Listeria doesn’t only live in deli meat. Bagged salads and pre-cut fruit have caused outbreaks too, and nobody’s warning you off the spinach. So weigh the risk, weigh the benefit, and decide if you want the sandwich. Your body, your baby.
"Sorry to text so late."
Never apologize. This is the job. This is literally why you have my number.
Here's the thing about these texts.
Every single one is a woman lying awake, wondering if what she's feeling is normal, with nobody to ask.
She could Google it and spiral. She could wait three weeks until her next appointment. She could just... worry about it silently and lose sleep.
Or she can text her midwife at 11pm and get a real answer from someone who knows her, knows her pregnancy, and genuinely doesn't mind. My goal is for you to feel well supported and this is part of that!
That's the whole point. 💚
