09/08/2026
Sometimes a complaint contains a reasonable need wrapped in words that are hard to hear.
Just imagine that you’re preparing for a meeting when a colleague walks in and says, “You never tell me anything until the last minute. Apparently, my time doesn’t matter.”
You immediately think of the emails you sent. You’re busy, too. You didn’t even know about this change until yesterday.
“That’s not fair,” you respond. “I sent you everything I had.”
“Well, I didn’t get it.”
“Did you check your email?”
And there it is. A conversation about a scheduling problem has become an argument about who is careless, unreasonable, or wrong.
Now imagine pausing before defending yourself.
“You had to rearrange your morning, and you’re frustrated that you didn’t have more notice. Am I understanding that?”
Your colleague doesn’t suddenly smile and thank you for your excellent communication skills.
Instead, they say, “Yes, and it keeps happening.”
You still feel defensive. But you ask one more question.
“What part keeps catching you off guard?”
“The changes get buried in email. I don’t see them until I’ve already made other arrangements.”
That gives you something specific to work with.
“Okay. I can send a direct message when a change affects your schedule. Sometimes I get very little notice myself, so I can’t promise every change will come early. Would flagging it directly help?”
“Probably. I just need to know.”
You can also address the accusation:
“And I do care about your time. I’d appreciate us talking about the specific problem without assuming I don’t.”
The issue may still need follow through. The frustration may take time to settle. But now there is a practical next step.
What can we learn from this?
1. Listen for the need. A complaint may point to a need for notice, clarity, support, fairness, or consideration.
2. Check your interpretation. “Am I understanding that?” leaves room for correction. We cannot assume we know what someone means.
3. Acknowledging frustration does not require accepting every accusation. You can understand someone’s experience and still explain your limits.
4. Make the next step specific. “Communicate better” is vague. “Send me a direct message when the schedule changes” gives both people something to act on.
Give it a try: When a complaint makes you defensive, pause and ask yourself…
“Underneath these words, what might this person be asking for?”
Then ask them. Their answer may give you a much more useful conversation.
Identify the Need beneath their complaint because successful communication includes conflict resolution.
