08/19/2026
Unicorns!
There was a past homework about connection. Connecting to your friends, the ones you can stop by on a moment notice and will hand you a drink or a job.
I love this write up about friendship from the Arnold in his email yesterday. (I really enjoy his positive corner of the internet. Link in the comments if you want to sign up)
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The Real Reason Making Friends Gets Harder
Loneliness might be one of the most underrated variables of overall health.
Studies suggest that people who are socially connected appear to be happier, healthier, and live longer.
And yet, we all know the reality. At some point, we don’t see our old friends as much. And it feels harder to make new friends.
Life and adulthood throw in the never-ending mix of surprises, obligations, and exhaustion.
Were you better at making friends when you were younger? The research offers a perspective that might help you recapture some social magic.
Making friends doesn’t necessarily get harder because you get worse at it. The structure that made friendship easier disappeared.
When you’re younger, school, sports, dorms, and early jobs create repeated contact without requiring much effort. Adulthood replaces that built-in time with work, kids, errands, and calendars that rarely line up.
Research suggests closeness often grows through repetition, not instant chemistry. One study found that spending more time together was associated with stronger friendships.
The researchers estimated it took roughly 40 to 60 hours to move beyond an acquaintance, about 80 to 100 hours to become friends, and more than 200 hours to become close.
You don’t need to start logging hours like a time sheet at work because those aren’t precise requirements, but the larger point matters: friendship needs time in the same place, often without every interaction being carefully planned.
And then there’s the other side that slows connection: your brain can make rebuilding that structure feel riskier than it is.
Across 13 experiments, people consistently underestimate how much someone would appreciate hearing from them. The effect was even stronger when the message was unexpected, or the relationship had become more distant. And another study found that after conversations, people tend to underestimate how much the other person liked them.
It’s a recipe for loneliness: you have less time with people, and you’re less likely to reach out because you don’t realize how much your messages mean to people when they are received.
This doesn’t prove that sending one text will cure loneliness. But it does suggest holding back and not reaching out contributes to the lack of connectedness.
As Arnold says, it’s “reps, reps, reps,” and your friendships are no different.
If you want to feel more connected, schedule time for text, talk, or meet in person. You don’t need to be around people all the time, but you do need to maintain the relationship.
And if you’re looking to make new friends, pick one activity that meets at the same time and place each week. It’s a chance to meet people with similar interests, routinely. Or you could take someone you recently met and invite them to join something you already do.
Friendship rarely disappears because nobody cares. More often than not, life removes repetition, and you just need to commit to rebuilding it.
(the picture of a group of us relaxing after Yoga Venture and just being around each other while we could)
